Here With Me
by Sunsetwing
Summary: Eight years after he left Bella still has not moved on. She has lost so much in those eight years that she is altered forever. One night out may change everything. Adult themes.
1. Loss

**A/N - This is the first fanfic that I have ever put out there. I feel like I have walked the plank and now there is no return. I h****ope that you all like it. Let me know. If it's crap let me know that too. I would love reviews. I have also updated this chapter with a few edits, thanks to my wonderful Beta Breath-of-twilight. Let me know if you like. The obvious song for this chapter is Here With Me by Dido.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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_**Here With Me**_

_**I didn't hear you leave**_

_**I wonder how am I still here**_

_**And I don't want to move a thing**_

_**It might change my memory**_

_**Oh, I am what I am**_

_**I do what I want**_

_**But I can't hide**_

_**And I won't go**_

_**I won't sleep**_

_**I can't breathe**_

_**Until you're resting here with me**_

_**And I won't leave**_

_**And I can't hide**_

_**I cannot be**_

_**Until you're resting here with me**_

_**-Dido**_

**Chapter 1**

**Loss**

It had been eight years. Eight years since the day _he_ left, the end of my world as I knew it. _He_ had left a tangible imprint on my soul that would taint me. I was damaged beyond repair, and that meant that I would be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. _He_ would be the first man who would leave me over the years, but not the last.

Immediately after _his_ departure I leaned on Jacob for support. Jake was there for me in a way that no other person could possibly have been. He brought the light back into the void in me that _he_ had left.

We carried on with my false sense of happiness for over a year. I even started to think that maybe Jake was going to be able to at least partially fill the shoes _he_ left. But those shoes were enormous, and no sooner had the thoughts entered my head, Jake imprinted.

She was beautiful, and she was his. Her name was Haven, and she was Paul's cousin. She had been sent to spend the summer with her aunt and uncle. Paul had brought her to a bonfire that the pack was having, and…BANG, she was his everything. Deep down I knew that it bothered Jake that he would never be able to be the same with me, but I was happy for him. He deserved someone who could love him the way that I never could. Fate felt like it was never on my side.

Jake would always call and try to get me to come down to La Push to spend time there, but I just didn't want to be submersed in all of their happiness. I knew it was selfish, but if I was going to spend my life alone, I needed to come to terms with that and get on with living, or maybe even just... existing.

Charlie tried to be the best father that he could be, but I was proving to be a lost cause. Eventually we fell into a pattern that was comfortable to him, and I wanted to make him as happy as I was capable of doing.

I finished school and was Forks High School's valedictorian. I had more than enough time on my hands to study, and by the end of school I had aced every class.

Angela was really the only friend that I had left from school. Everyone else saw that I was withdrawing and at some point I became almost invisible. I was okay with that too. There was only one person that I cared for _his_ view of me, and since _he_ couldn't see what I was becoming, it really didn't matter. After graduation Angela left to spend a summer abroad, and I was left alone again.

In the fall that same year I decided to attend college at the University of Washington. It was close enough that I could go see Charlie every other weekend and still put a little bit of distance between us. I knew what Charlie thought of me. He loved me, but thought that I was a little insane for hanging on to the thought that_ he_ would ever come back. He had tried to send me to Renee's more times than I could count. I would put my foot down every time. Renee and I had grown apart, and really that was what was best for the both of us. I was already hurting Charlie, I didn't need to drag Renee through hell as well. I talked to her once a month just to touch base with her and Phil, and that worked just fine for all parties involved.

I studied hard, and was on track to have my bachelors' degree in literature within my four years at school. I was hopeful that eventually it would be less painful to think about my life. Knowing what I know now, I was so wrong.

On the eve of my twenty-first birthday the last person I had left in Forks left me. A drunk driver came careening around a corner and hit Charlie while he was making a routine traffic stop. I was in the kitchen when the call came. The hospital wanted me to come down immediately. They didn't tell me what had happened until I got to the hospital. I got there just in time to watch him take his last breathe.

I spent the night in the waiting room of the hospital that night. I didn't want to go home, and I couldn't bring myself to leave that last thing that would tie me to this place. That would tie me to Forks.

In the months that followed I was beyond lost. I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare that my life had become. Charlie had left me the house, which was already paid off and a life insurance policy that he had through the police department. I would be comfortable for awhile even with attending college, but that wouldn't bring him back. It wouldn't bring any of them back. The family that I had lost, Jake, Charlie, they were gone. It was definite.

Billy, Jake, and Haven would check in on me from time to time, but for the most part I pushed them away. Without having anyone to care about I wouldn't have to worry about losing them either.

I graduated in the summer before I turned twenty-three, and subsequently was hired as an English teacher at Forks High School. Renee and Phil had made it to my graduation but went back to Florida within days of the ceremony. They stayed long enough to help me clear out my small apartment and fully move back into Charlie's house.

As soon as they left I found a routine that I took comfort in. Once I started teaching my schedule filled up a little more. I was home a little less, and getting out helped lower my mental chatter. With so much time on my hands it was hard not to think about the bad things that had happened. When I was laying in bed at night was the hardest time of day. The house was so quiet, and I couldn't help but look out through my window and hope that one day _he_ would come back. Sometimes it hurt so much I couldn't breathe.

I had thought about _his_ return many times over the years. The pain that I felt was almost to the point of unbearable. I only allowed myself to think of _him_ when it was late at night and I could mourn _his_ loss without interruption.

I had remained faithful to _him_, with the exception of my little pink vibrator. I had not lost my virginity, because my intent was always to give _him_ that gift. It wasn't mine to share with anyone else, so I took matters of my needs into my own hands. The thought of someone besides _him _laying their hands on me made me sick to my stomach.

Angela always came home for most holidays, and she was always ready to set me up with one of Bens' friends. She had married Ben last year, and was ready for me to join them in married bliss. I hated to upset her when I knew that that would never happen. I humored her though, and went on a few double dates with them. Most of the guys were nice, but as I sat at the table looking over at them I would think of anything that I possibly could to compare them to _him_. It was unfair, but I didn't care.

Angela was very persistent in trying to make me happy again. She and Ben had moved recently to Port Angeles so that they could be close to their families, but without staying in the confines of Forks. I started spending time with them on weekends as well. It was nice to have them around, but I wasn't prepared for what changes would occur within me. I also wasn't prepared for the Friday night that would change things again for me forever.


	2. Control

**A/N - Here is the second chapter. I realize that some of this is out of character for Bella, but in 8 years she had to change and adapt. Who wouldn't change in her shoes. Again, i****f it's crap let me know that too. I would love reviews. I have made a few more edits, and again thanks to my Beta Breath-of-twilight. The song for this chapter is Bad Romance by Lady Gaga.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 2**

**Control**

"Hey, I'll be leaving here in about fifteen minutes. Do you need me to pick up anything on my way?" I knew Angela would never let me bring anything to her house. She had wanted a girls' night, and after much begging on her part I gave in.

"You are not to bring a thing, do you hear me? I am just so excited that I am getting you over here at all. Ben said that he would drop us off downtown so we don't have to worry about leaving our car when we come home."

I really wasn't sure what she thought we were going to do that would entail leaving a vehicle downtown. I know I had promised that I would try to let loose, but not that loose.

"Okay, well I should be there in about an hour, so, I guess I'll see you at your place."

"Okay, be careful, Bella, see you then."

I knew that Angela worried about me. I worried about me too. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be happy like Angela and Ben, but my fate was sealed. I just needed to make the best of the situation.

I set my cell phone down on the bathroom counter and examined myself in the mirror. I was being very bold. I was a teacher, and if any of my students caught me in this outfit I would be in serious trouble. I had a black mini dress on with a low slung bodice. I normally wouldn't be caught dead in this dress, but Angela had it gift wrapped and sent to me especially for this night, and no matter how uncomfortable I was I would endure this for her.

I had let my hair down and curled the ends so that there was a soft-wave through it. My makeup was very soft as well. Even though I wasn't dressed like myself I still wanted something that looked like the real me.

I slipped on a pair of black heels that had to make me at least four inches taller and admired the way they looked on my feet. One thing that I had learned to do was walk in heels. It took a long time considering that I barely walk on a flat surface without tripping. I felt like it was part of my professional wardrobe to wear them to work, although not this high. So I taught myself a little every day until I could go almost a whole day and not fall.

The woman in the mirror was not the one I was accustomed to see staring back at me. I had spent so much time staring at a near lifeless soul that the glowing skinned, rosy cheeked woman in the reflection was a foreign sight. She even almost looked content. That's how I knew it was all just an illusion. I had become a damn good actress after all these years. Sometimes I could almost fool myself.

I grabbed my leather jacket and cell phone and made my way to my car. The truck had rumbled its last putter the year Charlie had died. Without having anyone help me to pick out a new car I ended up with a Jeep Wrangler. It was red just like my truck. I picked it for the four wheel drive, but it also was small enough that it didn't guzzle too much gas. I locked the door and was on my way.

I reached Angela's house in record time. I wasn't a speeder, but there wasn't any traffic either. They lived in a small white house with a white picket fence. It overlooked the port, and on nights that I visited I loved to watch the fog roll in. Ben answered the door before I could even knock.

"Hey there, Bella, how goes it?" He had a huge grin on his face. It made him very happy to see Angela happy, and by the look on his face I could only guess at Angela's excitement.

"BELLA, you're here, I am so excited. Ben, invite her in for a drink before we go," Angela hollered from somewhere in the house.

"Come on in. So are you excited about tonight?"

"Yeah, Ben, I am."

I could tell that he could see through my half hearted response.

"Well thank you anyway for humoring her. She really misses seeing you all the time since school started, and I know she really worries about you."

I could only imagine how much she worried. I didn't want to think about that tonight though. Angela was my best friend, and after everything she had stuck by me. I owed her.

Ben led me into the kitchen, and proceeded to make me a dirty martini. Since I turned twenty-one that was my favorite drink, and there were definitely times when I drank one too many. I didn't have a drinking problem, but I found that if I got drunk I could forget my life even for just a short time. I could probably count the number of times I had gotten completely inebriated to the point I blacked out, so, I understandably didn't do it that often.

"So, Ang, what's the plan?"

Angela came bouncing down the hall toward the kitchen in the smallest red dress that I had ever seen. It looked like it had been made out of bandages. I suddenly felt a little over dressed.

Ben eyes glazed over when he looked at his wife. He wasn't a jealous man, but I could tell that he wasn't sold on the idea that we would be going out without him, especially when Angela looked like she did. If all went well Ben would be getting some later.

"Look at you. I can't go out with you looking like that. You are hot!" I laughed at my own choice of words.

"Shut up, let's get our drink on and go get something to eat." Angela wiggled her hips with excitement.

I downed the rest of my drink, and we made our way to Ben's Ford Explorer. I hopped in the back and waited to see where we would be going for the evening.

Angela turned around and said, "I thought we'd go for dinner at Bella Italia, and there's this new club downtown we can hit afterwards for some drinks and dancing. What do you think?"

I thought, actually, that I was going to be a little sick just thinking about the restaurant that we were about to go to. I hadn't been there since the night that I almost got attacked when _he_ took me to dinner. I tried to hide my distress, and just smiled and nodded my head.

"Great, whenever we're ready to go home we just need to call Ben, and he'll come and get us. I want you to stay the night, that way I don't have to worry about you. You can stay in the spare bedroom."

"Thanks, Ang, we'll see how tonight goes."

It was only a five minute drive from their house to downtown Port Angeles. This place held a lot of memories for me, but I struggled to push all of them to the back of my mind for Angela's sake.

Ben pulled up in front of Bella Italia, and we hopped out of the car.

"Call me when you guys are ready. I love you, and have fun." He then pulled away from the curb and Angela linked her arm in mine, pulling me into the restaurant.

The hostess seated us near the window. While we waited for our waitress, I stared out the window fighting internally to not think about _him_.

"Bella, what's up? Did you hear anything I just said?"

"Sorry, I was distracted there for a minute, what's up?"

"I was just asking what you wanted to eat, I cannot decide. Everything looks so good."

"The mushroom ravioli is really good." And there it was festering at the surface. That night came flooding back into my brain. The way _he_ looked at me with those golden eyes.

"Hey, what's up, Bella? Are those tears?" Angela's face was shocked. I could only imagine that she thought I was about to lose it.

"Nothing really," I sniffed, "this is where _he_ first took me out. I had the mushroom ravioli, and our waitress shamelessly flirted with _him_ the whole time that we were here."

"Bella, I had no idea, we can go somewhere else if you want."

"No, I'm fine, really. Let's just eat and get outta here. I think I need a drink."

"I second that, now let's get our waitress. Waitress!"

A minute later a familiar face walked up to our table, and I couldn't help but smile to myself knowing that she still worked here and hadn't moved up in the world.

"What can I get you two?" She smiled sweetly at us.

"I'll have the fettuccine with a Caesar salad and a dirty martini." That drink was definitely going to get me on my way to forgetting this place, this town, and _him_.

"I think I'll have the same," Angela replied.

As the waitress turned to walk away I couldn't help but gloat internally. She was probably a nice enough person, but since I didn't have what I wanted the fact that she hadn't excelled in life made me smile just a little inside. I hadn't turned into a mean person; honestly, it was just this waitress in specific.

"Ang that was her, the one that flirted with _him_ that night."

"No way, she still works here, what was that about nine years ago?"

"Yeah, I think it would have been about that long. Man time flies."

"Tell me about it. Ben and I have been married for almost a year."

We continued to talk about her and Ben, and work, but never brought up _them_, or High School, or much else around my life. Angela knew that I would be fragile probably for the rest of my life, so she helped me out by not asking too many questions.

The time passed quickly after our food came. We ate in a comfortable silence and after two more martinis' we paid the bill and walked out without so much as a good bye from the hosting staff. I curiously wondered whether or not my waitress remembered me.

Angela grabbed my arm again and pulled me up the road to the club. There was no fancy neon, and the line extended around the corner. Port Angeles had a few bars, but this was the only dance club around the Northern Peninsula. We walked right up to the bouncer at the door. The hair stood straight up on my neck. I thought for a minute it was the 6'4", three hundred and fifty pound man standing in front of me, but it was more of a creepy feeling of being watched. I tried to act inconspicuously and look behind me, but there was no one there.

Angela spoke with the bouncer for a minute, and he opened the rope for us.

"How did we just get past all those people in line?" I wondered if she paid him off.

"I called the owner couple of days ago. He's a personal friend of Ben's, so we were already on the list."

"Oh, okay then… let's get a drink." Now it was my turn to drag her to the bar.

We grabbed two dirty martinis and a shot of Patron each and made our way to a high table near the dance floor.

"Shall we toast to girls' night out, and for getting you out of Forks?" Angela said.

"To girls' night," I said slamming my shot back at the same time as Angela. I could immediately feel the warmth run down to my throat, and then the hair rose up on my neck again. I could feel eyes on me, but as I looked around I couldn't see anything or anyone. There were people everywhere, but the lights flashing and the dark corners made it hard to make out any faces.

"Bella, what's up? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I thought someone called my name. Hmmm, guess not."

We sat at our table sipping our drinks and watching the people around us. We both finished our first drinks at the same time, and laughed when we realized we both had the glasses tipped as high as we could to get every last drop.

"I think we should go out there and dance," Angela said without a second thought of who she was with.

Now normally this was definitely not something I would have done, but I felt like maybe if I was surrounded by other people I wouldn't feel so exposed. Not only that but I was starting to feel a little giddy with all of the alcohol that I had consumed.

"Ok, what about our other drinks?" Angela didn't want to waste the five dollars that we paid for the drink, and neither did I.

I slammed down my drink, and then left the table before I could change my mind. I was definitely going to be fairly tipsy with that last drink. Angela looked at me like I had grown a second head; this wasn't the Bella she was used to.

I dragged her out on the dance floor, and I could feel the music beating through my body. Angela and I started moving to the music, and I could feel the alcohol taking over my movement. I was moving back and forth, and up and down to the music. If anyone I knew was at the club there was no way they'd ever recognize me. This was just so out of character for me.

Something deep inside me seemed to take over. Maybe it was smell of sex in the air mixed with alcohol but I was starting to feel quite sexy. I noticed that Angela was dancing right along next to me, but every once in awhile she would glance at me and smile. I could tell that it made her happy to see me let go. As I moved about the floor I could feel the alcohol flowing through my system. I was on the fast track to being drunk.

I looked around the dance floor and noticed that it was cram packed. Around the perimeter of the floor there was a row of high tables and then about three more rows towards the back of the club. My eyes scanned across the crowd because I could feel eyes on me again. There wasn't anyone that I recognized. I continued to dance but I could feel my movements getting slower. I was definitely drunk.

"I'll be right back, I have to pee," Angela hollered as she pushed away from me, and maneuvered her way through the crowd towards the bathroom.

I figured since I was already on the dance floor that I would just wait for her out here. A faster song came on over the speakers and I lost control of my body. All I could do was move with the music. I glanced around the room and my attention was caught by two sets of golden eyes staring in shock at me.

This had to be a hallucination. There was no way any of _them_ were here. If this was a hallucination then I wasn't sure I was ready for it to end. I locked onto the general area that they were in and started to dance for _them_. For some reason it looked to be Emmett and Jasper. A third person was standing there with their back to me. From his size he had to be male. The alcohol was dulling the ache that came with thinking those names. It was funny though that my subconscious wasn't conjuring up Edward first. Now that name brought forth a little bit of the pain that I was used to feeling.

I danced with the sole purpose of moving towards those eyes. I suddenly felt a set of hands on my hips, and was pulled back into a hard chest. I could feel an erection grinding into my behind, and as I struggled he only pulled harder.

"I've seen you out here, and it should be a crime to let this body move by itself." I could smell the liquor on his breathe as he hissed in my ear.

I looked around frantically for Angela, when all of a sudden I was surrounded by three tall males. They were all so close that I couldn't see their faces.

"Get your hands off of her, now!" I recognized that voice instantly, and my legs gave way. I could feel the arms that caught me, pull me closer as the sweetest scent permeated my senses. As I tried to focus on those arms I could hear the men arguing. Where was Angela? What was going on? How did this night change so quickly?

"Bella, are you okay?" At the sound of that voice everything went black.


	3. Shock

**So here's the next chapter after I have officially fought with it for the last several days. The next part is from Angela's POV. I felt like she needed to have her voice heard. Let me know what you think. Oh, and last but not least, thank you to Teresa for supporting and helping me out with this one. This chapters song is Apoligize by OneRepublic. Thank you so much to my beta, Breath-of-twilight, again for checking me, you are the master, and I have been schooled!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 3**

**Shock**

**ANGPOV**

I came out of the bathroom and was headed back to the dance floor when I noticed a group of men standing about the same place that I had left Bella. I rushed toward them, worried that something had happened to her.

"BELLA, BELLA!!" I pushed through the people on the dance floor trying to get to her. There were four men standing close around her, all I could see was the top of her head.

"What the hell is going on here?" I frantically pushed through the men, only to see her hanging limply from the arms of one of them. I immediately was struggled with him to get Bella out of his arms. Out of the corner of my eye I could see one of the men push through the crowd away from our group.

"It's ok, I got her." I looked up at the man, and he looked so familiar. He was very muscular with dark hair and a huge grin on his face. I couldn't quite place who he was… and then it hit me.

"Angela, it's ok, we were only helping Bella." That voice made my blood run cold. I turned to look at the man standing to my right.

Gasp, "Edward?" It couldn't possibly be him. Standing on either side of him were both of his brothers, Emmett and Jasper. Oh God, what was I going to tell Bella? Eight years, after all this time, this was going to ruin everything. If she found out he was here it would destroy her. Not to mention what it would do if he left right away. I was just now able to get her out of the house to socialize with me in public.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped again.

"Angela, can we talk about this somewhere else, maybe somewhere with a little less noise?" he said as his eyes took in the crowd around us.

"Um… yeah, let me get our coats." I hesitated, debating whether or not to leave Bella with Edward, but before I could say anything they all started to follow me out of the club.

I went straight for the coat check, retrieving both Bella's and my coat. I turned to check that they were still following me, and made my way for the door.

Once outside and away from the prying eyes of the people waiting in line I spun around to face Edward.

"Again, what are you doing here?" I normally wasn't an angry person, but after watching my friend mourn the loss of this man for eight years it had taken a toll on me, as well.

"I'm back here with my family for the summer." He looked like he was holding something back or hiding something.

"Okay, so am I supposed to believe that it was pure coincidence that you ended up at the same club that we just happened to be at?" He didn't seem surprised that I had come to that conclusion.

"Yes actually, we just wanted to have a night out without the girls, not that I owe you some kind of explanation. Why would you think that I had any other motivation?" He had to think I was an idiot to not know what he and Bella had. Did he really think that she had never confided anything in me? That I didn't know that Bella loved him more than she loved anything else on this planet?

"Cut the crap, Edward. Yes, actually, I do think you have another motivation, Bella. Didn't twist the knife hard enough eight years ago did you? You just had to come back and make sure you finished her off this time. Bring your girlfriend with you to rub it in Bella's face?" Wow where'd that come from? I could feel my over protectiveness for Bella start to consume me.

"Girlfriend, I have no girlfriend, just my sisters and mother are with us. What exactly are you talking about? What knife? Finish her off?" His voice sounded so confused.

"Don't act like you don't know what you did when you left. She told me what you said about her not being good enough for you. That girl is ruined, broken beyond repair because of you. To this day I am still trying to find the pieces and put her back together." I let the thoughts of the last eight years flood through my head in hopes of coming across something that I could use as verbal ammunition against him.

His face suddenly distorted into a mask of pain.

"What, was that not something you expected to find when and if you ever came back? Did you think that she would just move on with someone else, forget everything? Well I am so sorry to disappoint you, Edward. She did not forget, nor did she move on." I was furious with him. I felt that it was so presumptuous for him to come back and not face any repercussions for what he did.

"How bad was it, Angela?" He asked in a low voice. It almost sounded like he was crying.

"Why do you really care? Never mind…it doesn't matter. I don't think this is a conversation for the middle of the street. I need to call Ben and have him come and get me and Bella…"

"We can give you a ride. Our car is just up the road here. It would be faster than waiting for Ben, and we could continue this conversation," he said politely.

I didn't want to answer him, because I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was so much better that I was the one that was going to tell him what had happened since he left, even though I didn't want to. I wasn't going to leave anything out or sugar coat it for him. He needed to know what he did, what his words did. Bella would never have condoned me saying anything to him, but she couldn't argue in her current state. At the end of the day, I hoped she never found out what went on tonight.

I followed Emmett still holding Bella towards a black Mercedes. Jasper climbed into the driver seat with Edward taking the front passenger seat. I sat on one side of Bella with Emmett on the other side in the back seat.

"Ok, so you want to know how bad it was, Edward. I'll tell you exactly how bad it was. Death would have been kinder to her than you were. She was catatonic for the first few months. Didn't speak, eat, hell…she was barely able to breathe. She started to drastically lose weight. All the friends that she had made here, with the exception of me and Ben, left her without a second thought.

"She started hanging out with Jake from La Push who was a childhood friend of hers, and then he got a girlfriend and didn't have time for her.

"I had to leave and spend a summer in France. I talked to her as much as I possibly could, but when I got home, three months later, nothing had changed.

"We both went off to college and tried to keep in touch, but I usually just saw her on holidays. She just existed. Not living her life, not having fun, making friends, or going to parties, nothing."

"When Charlie was killed…"

"Wait, Charlie's gone?" He asked with genuine concern in his voice.

"Yeah, he was killed the night before her twenty-first birthday while on duty. He died later at the hospital. She was just in time to see him take his last breath." I didn't want to think about that time. I hated that I couldn't be there with Bella more, but school didn't allow me much leeway for absences. Charlie may not have been father of the year, but he loved Bella unconditionally, and tried to do his best. It made me think about my dad. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like if he were gone.

Bella started to toss and turn between us, and my blood ran cold. I had forgotten that she was passed out cold beside me. How was I going to prevent the inevitable? Before I could even think of a way to wake her up the night terror started.

At first she was just tossing her head back and forth and saying, "No…no, no, no...," and I glanced at Edward in horror. It always started out this way, every night for the last eight years, and then she screamed.

"NO, EDWARD you can't leave. PLEASE, please don't leave me. What am I going to do, please, PLEASE…," and then she started to sob uncontrollably. It always baffled me that she could continue to sleep through her episodes. In the beginning, she had told me that it would wake her up, but over the years she must have learned to subconsciously tune it out.

"I need to get her home now." I felt spent. I didn't even have the energy to be angry anymore. No one said another word for the duration of the drive. We pulled up behind Bella's Jeep, and I found it strange that I couldn't remember telling them where I lived.

"Edward, look, I just want what is best for Bella. If you're going to stay I need to know, but if you're going to leave you just need to go." I looked at him, searching his face for an answer.

"I'll be staying," was all that he muttered. His eyes were locked on Bella, and I could see what appeared to be longing and a bit of remorse reflected in them.

I grabbed a piece of paper out of my purse and wrote my cell phone number on it and handed it towards him.

"If you need some advice or just want to talk about Bella's situation you can call me. I'm doing this for Bella because I can't see what this will do to her if it doesn't work out. Thank you for the ride." I opened the car door and stepped out into the quiet of the night. I started for my house watching Emmett out of the corner of my eye carrying Bella like a sleeping child.

When I opened my door the house was quiet except for the television in the living room. I could see Ben asleep in his arm chair.

Emmett followed me into the house and down the hall into our spare bedroom. He gently laid her on top of the bed, and I covered her up with the thick down comforter.

Once she was tucked in we both turned to leave the room. I could see that Emmett's shoulders were tense, and as he reached the front door he turned around to face me.

"I know that this is an impossible situation, but I want you to know that he has never stopped loving her. He just did what he thought was best, but he is just as broken. It took this long for him to realize what a mistake he made all those years ago."

"Thanks Emmett, I know you're just looking out for him." He turned to leave, and I stood in the doorway and watched him walk to the car. The black Mercedes pulled away, and it was then that I realized I had been holding my breath.

Only if he really was going to try to make this right could Bella know he was back. I didn't want to think about any other possible scenario.

I closed and locked the door and went into the living room.

"Hey, I thought you were going to call me when you wanted to come home?" Ben said as he stretched, standing up to greet me.

"Bella had way too much to drink, and I just needed to get her home fast. How was your night?"

"Good, just watched the game, and waited for my beautiful wife to get home." He moved toward me, pulling me into his arms.

"You ready for bed?" I just wanted to snuggle up with him and let tonight be over.

"Sure, baby, let's go," he said as he led me to our bedroom.


	4. Remorse

**So now we're getting to the good stuff, so for the next two chapters they will be from Edwards POV. Please let me know what you think. This chapters song is Colorblind by Counting Crows. I also want to thank my beta, Breath-of-Twilight, you are sooo awsome.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 4**

**Remorse**

**EPOV**

This was the first time that I had been back here in eight years. This very spot held the beginning of the end of my existence. I had walked away from my world, my everything, and left her in this very spot. She believed every lie that had left my mouth. I had lied, and she had not fought me on it. I had come back, though. Even when I told her that she would never see me again. That it would be as if I never existed.

The first few months were excruciating. I didn't think that I would be able to stay away from her. I had left everything, my family, my home, and wandered around the world in search of something, anything that would keep me away from Bella. After a few years, and much coaxing from my family, I eventually came back to them. We lived on the east coast for a couple of years, and then made our way west, first living in Montana, and then Vancouver, Canada.

We had only been in Vancouver a few months when Alice asked if she could check in on Bella. She just wanted to see her without letting her know that she was there. We had talked about it together as a family and decided that the girls could all go together. The only conditions were that they could not let her know that they were there, and they had to get a different vehicle that had no ties to us.

Two weeks later the girls were ready to make their trip back to Forks, I was so anxious for them just to leave and get back so I could just see here through their thoughts. It had been eight years since I had seen her, and I just wanted a glimpse. It was all that Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett could do to keep me from following the girls that day. So I did the only thing that I could, I waited.

They were gone for nearly five days when they finally called Carlisle to say they were coming home. I nearly wore a hole in the floor, pacing back and forth, while waiting for their return. When the car pulled up the driveway I was the first one through the door to greet them. What was strange was that they were all blocking their thoughts from me. I was frantic to find out what they had learned, and nearly destroyed the house in a panic because I thought that something had happened to Bella

Carlisle called a family meeting to find out what was learned on their trip. Alice spoke for the three of them, and still they veiled their thoughts from me. The first day back in Forks they had decided that they would wait to go see Bella until the following day when they could spend the entire time following her. The house was still in the condition that we had left it in, and when I saw the house reflected in their thoughts it made the longing for Forks that much greater. That house reminded me of her. It was the only home of ours that she had ever been a part of. _She_ was my home.

The next day they had all gotten ready and made their way to Charlie's house on foot, in hopes that Bella still lived there. When they arrived Bella was in the house by herself. There was no other sounds coming from the house, and Charlie wasn't home either. They had all mutually decided not to seek anyone out in town to inquire about Bella or Charlie because it was too high of a risk, that it in such a small town it would get back to one of them. When Bella finally emerged from the house she was definitely not the same girl that we had left eight years prior. She was still small in stature, but looked as though she had lost weight. I was desperately searching any thoughts that they would let slip, but they were all still blocking me.

They followed her around the whole day and found out that she worked at Forks High School, but that was the only thing that brought her out of the house. When school was out she immediately returned home. They stayed outside the house listening and said she only received one call the whole evening. The call had been from Angela, and she was just calling to make sure that Bella was okay. Charlie never came home, and after eating dinner Bella had gone to bed at eight that night.

Thinking that Bella was just having an off day, they had all decided that they needed to spend another day following her. The thing that they had not planned for was that the next day would be much the same as the last, just without any phone calls. Alice couldn't believe that Charlie still had not come home, and he had not phoned Bella either so they decided to stay one more day since she had to be doing something on a Friday night. They, again, arrived early the next morning, and by the end of the day they were noticing a pattern. Bella had no life, no friends, and apparently Charlie was not concerned about his daughter enough to even call and check in on her.

The realization that she was all alone struck me deep within my heart. She hadn't moved on. She had not lived her life like I had wanted her to. What had I done to her?

I immediately started firing off questions at them, but they didn't know much else. I sank to the floor wishing that they would just let me glimpse her from their thoughts. Esme almost gave in, but Rosalie shot her a look and she quickly recovered her block.

"Carlisle, we have decided that we think that it is time to go home. Clearly Bella is not better off without us." Alice then turned towards me.

"Edward, whether or not you want to resume a relationship with Bella is up to you, but we cannot simply stand by any longer and let what life she has left be lonely. We miss her too. We love her, too. This doesn't just affect you, Edward." Alice stood firm in the middle of all of us, and it seemed that Esme and Rosalie were firm in their resolve, as well.

"Edward, I'm sorry, but I think that I have to agree with the girls on this one. We may not be able to resume a normal life in the town of Forks, but if they feel strongly that Bella needs us, I won't stand in their way." Carlisle was looking me straight in the face with a look of remorse.

_Edward, I don't want to do this if you are not on board. We all miss her so much, and this has definitely taken a toll on all of us. Please, you need to come with us. If you need to stay away from Bella we understand, but you cannot leave your family again._

I couldn't help the range of emotions that were coursing through me, and I threw Jasper an apologetic look.

_That's alright, brother, I can't blame you. This is definitely something that I think none of us were prepared for. You know I'm here if you need to talk._

I needed some air. I needed to get my head around the thought of being able to see Bella with my own eyes again. I left the house and wandered through the surrounding woods that night, and came to a decision. I would go with my family back to Forks, but I would have no expectations when it came to Bella. I would wait and see what she wanted from me.

Alice jumped on me the second I made my way back into house, so I assumed that she had told the rest of the family that I was coming with them.

We packed up the Vancouver house and decided that we would truck our belongings back in the middle of the night. We had been gone for eight years, but people may notice that we had not aged. We were going back strictly for Bella, and we didn't want her to find out until we were all ready.

We drove in the middle of Thursday night, and arrived early the following morning. Once back in the house we all went our separate ways to reconnect with the place we all loved the most. That's how I ended up in _this_ spot, thinking about the love of my life and the evening that was sure to be the happiest one I had had in so my years. Tonight Jasper, Emmett, and I were going to go out and have our turn at seeing Bella. Carlisle decided not to come because he was working on locating a hospital out of the immediate area to work for.

Tonight I would see Bella, but would I be prepared for what I would find.


	5. Awe

**A/N - So this is the longest chapter yet. I just felt like Edward needed to share his side of the story before we moved on. Promise, next chapter does go forward. Please review, I love it hearing what you think. For some reason when I was writing this chapter You Know I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse seemed appropriate. Also, this chapter is updated since my beta, Breath-of-twilight, checked it out. Thank you so much.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Awe**

**EPOV**

I was so anxious that my skin was crawling. I've hunted three times since we returned to Forks, and we had only been back a day and a half.

Today would be the day that I would see my Bella for the first time in eight long years. If I were being completely honest, I was very conflicted. Nothing had changed for me in the time that I was away, but everything could have changed for Bella. I didn't know her anymore. I also was not sure what kind of damage I may have inflicted on her when I left. I had told her that she was no longer good for me. I often pondered the damage that statement alone may have caused, making me wonder if I was actually strong enough to see her again.

I stood in my room, contemplating what I should wear to look the most presentable for my long lost love, when I was interrupted by Alice's thoughts.

_I hope she will forgive us, Edward. She was hurt the most by you and me. I just don't know what I'll do if she doesn't want to be my friend again._

"I know, Alice. I'm sure she'll forgive you. This wasn't your fault. I can't even think about her not forgiving me. What if she despises me? What am I going to do then, sit outside her house and pine for her for the rest of her life? Now that I'm here, I feel the insecurities that I felt when I first met her."

Alice moved to stand next to me and wrapped her small arm around my waist.

"She'll forgive you eventually, Edward. I remember how she felt about you. That just doesn't fade away with time, no matter what you've told yourself." She smiled at our reflection, then turned and left the room.

_Edward, let's go! If we want to get to her house before she goes anywhere, we need to go now!_

Emmett always felt the need to scream at me through his thoughts. Today was even worse, considering he was so excited to see Bella. He was not as vocal as some of my other siblings when it came to seeing Bella again. He held in as much as he could because he knew it was worse for me when anyone thought about her.

"Coming," I said, as I turned to leave my room. As I descended the stairs I could see Jasper and Emmett conversing with Carlisle. They stopped speaking and waited for me to join them.

"Edward, I know you want to do this your way, but I really think you need to be careful and take this slow." He was blocking his thoughts from me, and I knew he had information that I did not.

"Is there something that I should be made aware of?" He could tell by my tone that I knew he was hiding something. His features softened, and he smiled at me.

"You have always been able to see through all of us. We all just think that maybe it would be a good idea if you met Bella on mutual ground. You have always had an unfair advantage, and I think this situation is very sensitive. There isn't one of us that know exactly what has happened to Bella. We just know what the girls saw when they were here last…"

"Which they have so kindly blocked from me." I interrupted Carlisle which was out of character for me, but I was scared of the unknown.

"Yes, they have been keeping that from you. You need to see her with your own eyes. We couldn't risk you changing your mind when you saw her. This is something that we all need, Edward. We need _all_ our family back together. Alice has not looked into her future, and we do not know whether or not the years have been very kind to her." That last statement nearly brought me to my knees. What if they had been awful for her, I would never forgive myself.

"Okay, well you should get going. You can take my car; it will be the least conspicuous car for you to be in. Take care, and let us know what's going on." We all walked towards the car in silence. The gravity of the situation weighed heavily upon us, and Jasper was warring with all of our mixed emotions.

Jasper drove while I sat next to him in the front seat. Emmett was bouncing around in the back seat like an excited child. We parked several streets away from Bella's house, then entered the forest to keep our presence unknown and made our way towards her home. Reaching a good vantage point, where we could clearly see the front of her house, we settled in to wait.

Charlie's cruiser was not in the driveway, and neither was Bella's beast of a red truck. Instead there was a newer red Jeep parked in the driveway. I silently wondered if this was her car or someone else's. Jealousy spiked through me, and I could feel Jaspers' hand on my shoulder, sending me calming waves.

_Calm down, man. She may have just gotten a new car. There's no need to jump to conclusions. Remember, eight years is a long time to a human._

I nodded my head in agreement, although I felt like it was a long time for a vampire as well, at least _this_ vampire.

I was trying so hard to contain myself that I hadn't even noticed the faint rustling from within the house. Someone was walking around upstairs, and then I heard her voice.

_"Hey, I think I should be leaving here in about fifteen minutes. Do you need me to pick up anything on my way?"_

I hadn't realized how much I missed that voice until the sound rang through my ears.

_"Okay, well I should be there in about an hour, so, I guess I'll see you at your place."_

I could hear apprehension in her voice. She didn't want to go, but she had made a promise. She was just pleasing someone other than herself, at least that much was the same.

The house was quiet again, and then I could hear her walking down the stairs. I hadn't remembered her step being quite as loud as it was. It seemed like it had a click to it. There was a rustling of fabric and then the front door opened…

All the air in my body seemed to rush out all at once. It was as if I had never seen her before. She had gone from an innocent teenager to a stunning woman. I couldn't comprehend that she was one in the same. She had on a pair of black high heels that made her creamy legs seem impossibly long and a black mini dress with a low slung bodice. I couldn't tell what the back of the dress looked like because it was covered in a leather jacket. She did seem a little thinner than I remembered, but she still radiated vitality. Her hair was still long and tousled. It looked as if she had just got done rolling around in bed.

That last thought brought me back to reality. I could hear a low growling, and I could feel Jasper and Emmett restraining me.

_Whoa there, Lover Boy, calm yourself down. Don't want Bella to find you hiding in her bushes just yet, now do we? But damn, Eddie, Bella grew up to be quite the hottie._

If I could have gouged Emmett's eyes out right there, I would have. Emmett could be so crude.

I shifted my attention back to Bella. She climbed in the red Jeep and started to pull out of her driveway. We watched her drive down the road until she was out of sight, and then at the same time, turned and headed back to the car.

It was easy to catch up to Bella. She still drove incredibly slow. We hung back as far as we could so that she did not suspect we were following her. Driving in silence, even Jasper and Emmett's thoughts were quiet. We followed until she pulled her car in front of a little white house in Port Angeles.

Bella opened her door, and when she stepped out of the Jeep her skirt hiked up her thigh. The world tilted on its axis, and I lost all semblance of control. I could then feel Jasper's waves of calm again.

_Edward, you are going to have to control yourself. I feel how hard this is on you, but keep it together, man._

I settled back into my seat and watched a man open the front door of the little house, and Bella entered. I could hear their conversation from within the house, and knew that Bella would be going out with Angela. Gathering the information that Angela was providing about the evening ahead, I started forming a plan in my head.

"I want to follow them tonight. Stay back as far as we can so that they don't notice us." The thoughts had flown out my mouth before I could suck them back in.

"Okay, but you have to keep it under control, man! Emmett and I will be here to catch you if you lose yourself, but we have no idea what will happen if Bella sees you." I could feel Jasper's concern for me, and I was grateful that I had brothers who would wallow with me in the trenches if I needed them to, and clearly, I needed them.

"I know I have to keep it together. Seeing her for the first time was so much more emotional than I had planned. God she is so much more beautiful than I remember," I said reminiscing about our time together.

"Yes, she definitely has grown to be quite the woman." I could tell that Jasper was trying to be respectful, unlike Emmett who was going on in his mind about how hot Bella had turned out.

While we were in conversation we had not noticed that Bella, Angela, and Ben had climbed into a Ford Explorer. It finally caught our attention when they pulled away from the curb and headed back toward downtown Port Angeles.

Again, we followed with enough distance that they would not suspect that we were following them. I could hear Angela talking to Bella.

_"I thought we'd go for dinner at Bella Italia, and then there's this new club downtown for some drinks and dancing. What do you think?"_

Dancing? There was no way that I heard her correctly. My Bella did not dance. My Bella also did not wear high heels, but, of course, that had changed, as well. I waited for her response and there was nothing. I wondered what she was thinking. My mind instantly went to that night that she had found out what I was. I remembered the thoughts of the men that had stalked her, and felt the overwhelming sense of panic when I couldn't find her. I thought about how insecure she was about our pretty waitress, when I hadn't even noticed anything. All I could see was Bella, and to me she was perfect.

_"Great, whenever we're ready to go home we just need to call Ben and he'll come to get us. I want you to stay the night, that way I don't have to worry about you…"_

They were going to be drinking and dancing? This definitely did not sound like my Bella, but she wasn't my Bella anymore. I had to remember that I no longer knew this person.

"They're going to go to Bella Italia for dinner. Then I guess there is this new dance club in town, and that will be where they go after." Both Jasper and Emmett were thinking that I had misspoken.

"Did you just say dance club?" Emmett said.

"I'm just relaying what I heard Angela tell Bella."

"Well, hell, Edward, I think you're in for more than you bargained for. She's turned into a party animal." I glared at Emmett. He just couldn't keep his mouth shut. He had this incessant need to talk just like a child.

Since we knew where they would be having dinner, we decided to check out the area where the dance club was located. It was just a few doors down from the restaurant. We parked on the opposite side of the road, away from the restaurant. We were close enough that I could hear their conversation through Angela's thoughts, but when they left the restaurant they would not pass our car.

We could see that they were seated close to the window, which made it easier to interpret their conversation.

_"Bella, what's up? Did you hear anything I just said?"_

"_Sorry, I was distracted there for a minute, what's up?"_

_"I was just asking what you wanted to eat, I cannot decide. Everything looks so good."_

_"The mushroom ravioli is really good." _When I heard that last statement, my heart soared from my chest. She remembered.

Jasper and Emmett were waiting anxiously to hear what I had just discovered. I couldn't answer them as I watched Bella's face fall, and tears spring in her eyes.

_"Hey, what's up, Bella? Are those tears?"_

_"Nothing really… this is where he first took me out. I had the mushroom ravioli, and our waitress shamelessly flirted with him the whole time that we were here." _She remembered me. No, she was thinking about me. Knowing that I wasn't forgotten was more than I could have hoped for. The only thing that dampened the moment was that she was sad when she thought of the memory. My chest cramped, and if I could have cried with her I would have.

"Edward, what is it?" Jasper asked with such genuine concern in his voice.

"She's telling Angela about our first date at this restaurant, but it's making her cry. She remembers me, though. If anything, that was more than I expected."

"You can be such an ass, dude. What, did you think that she was just going to forget about you? About all of us? Wake up, Edward!" Emmett was pissed. I could hear exactly what he thought about me, seeing Bella cry had deeply upset him.

_"Bella, I had no idea, we can go somewhere else if you want."_

_"No, I'm fine, really. Let's just eat and get outta here. I think I need a drink."_

Did she despise me so much that she had to drink to stop thinking of me? She couldn't even say my name. Oh God! What have I done?

I listened to them for a little longer, when a familiar face walked up to the table. I couldn't believe that the same waitress would still be working there after all these years.

I could hear in her voice, that the minute she laid eyes on Bella, she also remembered that night, me in particular. She snidely thought to herself that Bella wasn't with me. I wondered if Bella recognized her as well.

_"Ang, that was her, the one that flirted with him that night." _I smiled knowing that she remembered.

"Edward, what's going on?" Jasper and Emmett said in unison. I had to remind myself that they could hardly hear anything through the windows.

"Sort of an inside joke if you will, nothing terribly important." They both sat back in their seats and we continued to wait. The girls sat in a comfortable silence. Angela was thinking that she hoped Bella didn't overdue it with her martinis. She had counted four martinis already, and the night had just begun.

"Apparently Bella has acquired somewhat of a drinking problem." I hated to think that I had something to do with that, but my brothers both thought that I was the root of the problem.

The girls finished their meal, paid the bill, and left the restaurant. When they exited they headed toward the dance club, and away from us. We continued to watch them until they reached the bouncer at the main entrance. Emmett made a move to exit the car.

"No, Emmett, wait… let's make sure they get in first before we go after them." At that same moment Bella turned to look over her shoulder. It was a look that someone would get if they were checking to make sure that they weren't being watched. She turned back around and they went into the club.

Once out of sight, we all left the car and walked past the line and straight to the bouncer. Jasper slipped him a fifty dollar bill, and we were permitted in.

The club was packed. The smell of blood, sex, and alcohol was thick in the air. I spotted Bella and Angela immediately at the bar. We moved to sit in the darkest spot in the club. When they left the bar to find a table, each girl was carrying a shot and two other drinks. At the rate they were going, both girls would be quite drunk in no time.

They toasted to girls night and threw back their shot. It was strangely erotic to see Bella, the woman, throw her head back and drink that shot. Her neck elongated and her hair spilling down her back.

Bella turned suddenly, looking around her. Her gaze traveled past our table, but it went right over us without stopping.

The three of us all exhaled at the same time. It was so close that we could have been caught.

Bella turned back to Angela and they sipped their drinks and watched people on the dance floor. After both of their drinks were finished Angela suggested that they dance. I watched as the decision warred in Bella's eyes, and then without any reluctance in her voice she agreed. They slammed down their second drinks, and Bella dragged Angela out onto the dance floor.

"Did everyone see what just happened? Our little Bella not only just tied one on, seriously, she's dancing." Emmett was so amused with himself, and then his eyes glazed over.

_Holy shit; there is no way that our little Bella has turned into that sexy beast._

I didn't even have a word to say at that moment because my mouth had gone dry, and my pants were suddenly tighter than they had ever been in my life. I had never seen hips move like that, especially attached to Bella.

She had always avoided dancing. This Venus shaking her hips in front of us wasn't my Bella. She was sin incarnate, and I was in absolute awe.

Angela whispered something in her ear, and then disappeared into the crowd. Instead of leaving the dance floor Bella continued to move and sway with the music by herself. She was lolling her head back and forth when suddenly her eyes locked onto where we were sitting. I immediately turned my back so that she couldn't see me. Jasper and Emmett however were absolutely mesmerized.

"Dude, I think Bella just eye fucked me," Emmett said, more than proud of himself.

"Emmett, there is no possibly way that Bella would do that!"

"I hate to say it man, but Emmett is right. In fact, I think she just eye fucked us both." I tried to watch through Jaspers' mind since he was way less obscene than Emmett. Bella was locked onto my brothers and dancing like she was seducing them. Jealousy scorched my very soul.

Less than a split second later a man came up behind Bella and placed his hands on her tiny hips. I could hear the vulgar thoughts in his brain about what he wanted to do to her.

"_I've see you out here, and it should be a crime to let this body move by itself."_

I could see the panic in her eyes as she tried to comprehend that she was alone and this man was going to try to take advantage of her.

My brothers and I flew into rage at the same time. I couldn't hear anything but the frantic beating of her heart. Immediately we were all surrounding her, not bothering to move at a human pace.

"Get your hands off of her, now!" Emmett bellowed in the loudest voice that I had ever heard him use. Bella looked around, with unfocused eyes, trying to comprehend what was happening. Her legs gave way, and Emmett reflexively reached out and caught her. She was trying to get her bearings.

"Bella, are you okay?" At the sound of my voice her eyes widened, and then she went limp.

Everything had happened so fast that the man didn't have time to react. He stood stone still in front of us, every fiber of his being told him to be terrified.

"BELLA, BELLA!" Angela was screaming as she pushed past the man. "What the hell is going on here?"

She hadn't noticed us yet, but was struggling to get Bella from Emmett's grasp.

"It's okay, I got her," Emmett said to her. She looked at his face in confusion, and then realization hit.

"Angela, it's okay, we were only helping Bella." She slowly turned to look at me, and then gasped my name. Her eyes flitted from myself to both of my brothers and then back again.

_Oh god, what am I going to tell Bella? Eight years, after all this time, this is going to ruin everything. If she found out he was here it would destroy her. Not to mention what it would do if he left right away. I was just now able to get her out of the house to socialize with me in public._

I blanched at her thoughts. It would destroy her if she knew I was home?

"What are you doing here?" she gasped again, getting her bearings.

"Angela, can we talk about this somewhere else, maybe somewhere with a little less noise?" I looked around hoping that she understood that this was not an appropriate place to have this conversation. I had to make her understand.

"Um… yeah, let me got our coats." She looked a little confused, and then thought that maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave Bella with us. Before she could argue we started walking to the front door. Angela spoke to the coat check attendant and retrieved both of their jackets, and then exited the club.

Once outside we headed in the general direction of the car, but when we were out of earshot of the people in line Angela wheeled around to face us.

"Again, what are you doing here?" Angela's thoughts were frantic and angry. I was trying desperately to sort through them when I heard Jasper clearly in my head.

_Edward, Angela is so furious right now that she is nearly in a rage. You need to tread very lightly in this situation. Also, I just thought that you would want to know that Bella, even though she is unconscious, is emitting more sadness than I have ever felt in my life. The despair is so strong that I cannot even begin to explain it. Just want you to know. I'm going to try and help out the situation as much as I can._

I tilted my head to let him know that I understood, before answering Angela. "I'm back here with my family for the summer." It was then that I heard everything very clearly in her head. _I watched my friend mourn the loss of this man for eight years; it has taken a toll on me as well._

Mourned my loss? Could I even hope that she still waited for me?

"Okay, so am I supposed to believe that it was pure coincidence that you ended up at the same club that we just happened to be at?"

"Yes actually, we just wanted to have a night out without the girls, not that I owe you some kind of explanation. Why would you think that I had any other motivation?"

_I thought I said tread lightly, not piss her off more!_

Her thoughts immediately changed again to remembering how happy Bella and I had been all those years ago. My breath hitched at her next thought.

_Did he really think that she had never confided in me anything, that I didn't know the Bella loved him more than she loved anything else on this planet?_

If I could have screamed to the heavens in that moment I would have. She did still love me, but that love had cost her.

"Cut the crap, Edward. Yes, actually I do think you have another motivation, Bella. Didn't twist the knife hard enough eight years ago did you? You just had to come back and make sure you finished her off this time. Bring your girlfriend with you to rub in Bella's face?"

_What is she talking about Edward? _Both Jasper and Emmett thought at the same time.

"Girlfriend, I have no girlfriend, just my sisters and mother are with us. What exactly are you talking about? What knife? Finish her off?" I was struggling to keep up with her thoughts.

"Don't act like you don't know what you did when you left. She told me what you said, about her not being good enough for you. That girl is ruined, broken beyond repair because of you. To this day I am still trying to find the pieces and put her back together." I saw clearly in that moment what Bella had been like when I left. She looked sallow and extremely thin. The skin around her eyes was purple and sunk in. Angela's thoughts flitted through time, and I could see that she had remained that way for years, even now. I wondered if that was what my family had kept from me. I could only imagine the makeup that she had worn to cover it up.

As if I did not already feel like I had ruined everything, she let me know that I had single handedly destroyed my only love. I hated myself more in that moment than I ever had before.

_Edward, you told Bella she wasn't good enough for you? Have you lost your fucking mind? We are definitely going to be talking about this later!_

I couldn't even focus on Emmett's anger. I was wallowing in Angela's memories of the years that I had lost. They were almost too much to bear.

"What, was that not something you expected to find when and if you ever came back? Did you think that she would just move on with someone else, forget everything? Well I am so sorry to disappoint you, Edward. She did not forget, nor did she move on."

I had to have her articulate into actual words so that Jasper and Emmett could hear.

"How bad was it, Angela?" I could barely make the words escape my lips.

"Why do you really care? Never mind… it doesn't matter. I don't think this is a conversation for the middle of the street. I need to call Ben and have him come and get me and Bella…"

"We can give you a ride. Our car is just up the road here. It would be faster than waiting for Ben, and we could continue this conversation." I wasn't ready to let Bella go just yet.

I could see the tears building up in Angela's eyes. I turned to walk to the car, and sat in the front passenger seat. I wasn't ready to touch her yet. I wanted her to be coherent when we made that connection.

Angela climbed into the back seat on the other side of Bella while Emmett still held her.

"Okay, so you want to know how bad it was, Edward. I'll tell you exactly how bad it was. Death would have been kinder to her than you were. She was catatonic for the first few months. Didn't speak, eat, hell… she was barely able to breathe. She started to drastically lose weight. All the friends that she had made here, with the exception of me and Ben, left her without a second thought." I was trying to gage Emmett and Jasper's reaction to this news. I was surprised to find that neither of them was surprised, just extremely furious with me.

"She started hanging out with Jake from La Push, who was a childhood friend of hers, and then he got a girlfriend and didn't have time for her." I was so green with jealousy. Thinking of another man's hands on my love was unacceptable.

"I had to leave and spend a summer in France. I talked to her as much as I possibly could, but when I got home three months later, nothing had changed.

"We both went off to college, and tried to keep in touch, but I usually just saw her on holidays. She just existed. Not living her life, not having fun making friends, or going to parties, nothing." Everything that I had wanted for her hadn't happened. I had wanted her to live her life, and instead she hadn't lived at all.

"When Charlie was killed…"

Charlie dead? No, no, no, that couldn't be possible.

"Wait, Charlie's gone?" I was trying hard not to let the panic in my voice come through.

"Yeah, he was killed, the night before her twenty-first birthday, while on duty. He died later at the hospital. She was just in time to see him take his last breath." I could see the images of those days again in Angela's thoughts. Then it hit me, she had been utterly alone for the last five years.

_Does she mean that Bella had no one! She has been here by herself?_

The silence that descended on the car was deafening. Bella started to toss back and forth, and I could tell that she was having a nightmare.

"No…no, no, no...," she screamed. "NO, EDWARD you can't leave. PLEASE, please don't leave me. What am I going to do, please, PLEASE…," and then she started to sob uncontrollably.

My brothers and I stared in stunned silence at what had just happened. I felt like someone had stabbed me through my chest and ripped out my black heart.

"I need to get her home now," Angela broke the silence.

No one said another word all the way back to her home. We pulled up behind Bella's Jeep, and I realized that Angela hadn't told us where she lived. She only thought on that for a second and then the thought flitted away. The evening had been intensely emotional for her, and she was feeling a little hazy on the details.

"Edward, look, I just want what is best for Bella. If you're going to stay I need to know, but if you're going to leave… you just need to go." She searched my face for an answer.

"I'll be staying," was all that I could mutter. I couldn't tear my eyes from Bella.

While I was focused on Bella, Angela had written her number on a card and handed it towards me.

"If you need some advice, or just want to talk about Bella's situation, you can call me. I'm doing this for Bella because I can't see what this will do to her if it doesn't work out. Thank you for the ride." She opened the car door and stepped out. Emmett followed her, still holding Bella in his arms.

Jasper and I sat in silence waiting for Emmett to return. We could hear the sounds of them putting Bella to bed. A few seconds later Emmett was back at the front door. He turned back towards Angela.

"I know that this is an impossible situation, but I want you to know that he has never stopped loving her. He just did what he thought was best, but he is just as broken. It took this long for him to realize what a mistake he made all those years ago." I hurt even worse when I heard that come from his mouth. I knew he could tell that I was crushed, and in his own way he was trying to make it better.

"Thanks, Emmett; I know you're just looking out for him." Angela turned and shut the door.

Emmett walked back to the car and got back in the back seat. Neither him nor Jasper said or thought anything.


	6. Found

**A/N - Here's the next chapter. Sorry that I keep jumping between POV's but everyone has a little somethin' to say. I want to thank my absolutely fabulous Beta, Breath-of-twilight, who is betaing all previous chapters as well as this one. I will be updating previous chapters soon. I also have specific songs in mind when I write so I will update previous chapters with that as well. This chapter was best represented my Cemetery Road by My Chemical Romance. Please review and let me know what you really think.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 6**

**Found**

**BPOV**

I woke in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. It took a second before I realized that I was still at Angela's, still in the black dress from the night before, and I hadn't taken any of my makeup off. I could smell something so heavenly wafting through the air. I leaned down and smelled the front of my dress, and the smell was coming from me. It was vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place it.

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was six in the morning. I couldn't hear anyone else moving about the house. I felt a little embarrassed about the night before, especially since I couldn't really remember that much of the previous evening.

I walked to my bag that had been set on the night stand sometime while I was asleep. I had brought some extra clothes just in case I happened to spend the night. I changed out of my dress and into black stretch pants, white shirt, grey sweatshirt, and a pair of grey Ugg boots.

I quietly stripped the bed of the sheets, and tidied up as much as I could. I left the room and went to bathroom in the hall.

I looked in the mirror, and my reflection was awful. My makeup was smudged all around my eyes, and they were red and swollen. My hair was sticking out in all different directions.

I turned on the water in the sink and then washed my face as best I could. My head was starting to hurt, so I looked in their medicine cabinet and found some aspirin. Pulling my hair up into a pony tail, I looked back at my reflection and decided that this was the best my appearance was going to get under the circumstances.

I found a pad of paper on the kitchen counter and wrote a note to Angela and Ben to thank them for the night out. I didn't feel like waiting around to make conversation; I just wanted to go home.

I slipped out the front door, locking the door handle behind me, and made my way into the misty and foggy morning air. I had to run to my Jeep to get out of the dampness, and turned the ignition over to start warming the car. I sat in the car waiting for the heater to kick in, shivering and hung over, until I could feel the slightest warmth from the vents. I put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb.

The drive back to Forks seemed to take me a long time, but that was because all I wanted to do was lie down. My head was pounding, and I was trying so desperately to remember what had happened last night. The smell on my dress bothered me the most. It wasn't a perfume, because it had more of a natural floral like scent. I knew that I had smelled it before, but I just couldn't place it.

The only memories that I could form in my brain were that we had had dinner, went to the club, I danced with Angela, and then… blank. Thinking this hard was doing nothing but make my head ache worse. I started to vaguely remember Angela saying something about the bathroom, and then… a man… I think he was dancing with me... no, I think he was rubbing himself against me… then that voice… I had to be hallucinating. My mind tended to want to go to a happy place when I was distressed, but it had felt so real and then there was that smell.

Who was I kidding? It was just wishful thinking on my part. For eight years I had hoped that _he_ would have a change of heart, but _he_ had made himself perfectly clear about how _he_ felt about me. _He_ was not coming back.

I could feel another pain flare up. As if my head and stomach weren't giving me enough trouble, my heart was going to start aching as well.

As I neared the outskirts of town I felt the familiar sense of home. I had lived many places in my life, but this was where I felt I belonged. After I lost Charlie, I hadn't wanted to sell the house and move in with Renee. I don't think she ever understood why. I had only really gotten to know Charlie in the last couple of years of his life. His home was my home, and I just wasn't ready to let him go.

I pulled into the driveway at seven thirty, and was so relieved that I was finally home. I dragged my bag from the car and made the familiar walk up the path to the front porch. I barely made it through the front door and locked it behind me before I collapsed on the couch.

I heard the phone ring. Once… twice… I lifted my head looking for where I left the portable phone. It was lying on the end table next to the couch. I wiggled my way up towards the table and snatched the phone to my ear.

"Hello." My voice sounding very husky.

"Helloo." This time with irritation in my voice, there was nothing that I hated more than a crank phone call.

"Is anyone there?" I let out an exasperated breath, and hung up the phone.

Feeling as if it was only a mere second since the last phone call the phone rang again.

"Hello!" I snapped into the phone.

"Bella, is everything okay?"

"Angela… yeah, no, everything is fine. Hey, did you just call?"

"No, are you sure everything is ok?" I wasn't sure what she was so concerned about.

"Yeah, someone just called, but they didn't say anything, just creepy breathing. I thought you were the same person calling back." I let my head lay back down on the couch.

"I just wanted to make sure you got home, since you weren't here when we got up."

"Yeah, I got here," I glanced at the clock and it said it was eleven, "wow, I've been here since about seven thirty."

"You got up so early I didn't have a chance to find out how you felt today." I could hear the apprehension in her voice, and that deeply concerned me. What had I done that would worry her?

"Well, other than a little hung over and almost complete lack of memory, I'm okay I guess, why?" I could feel the panic rising in my throat.

"Bella, what are your plans for this evening?"

"Ang, what's up? What am I missing? I mean, I can hear you hesitating about something. Did I do something awful last night? Cause you're really starting to freak me out."

"No, Bella, you didn't do anything. It's just… I need to talk to you about something, and I feel like it would be better if I came there and talked to you in person." That achy feeling was getting worse, and I felt like I was going to need some air.

"Okay, well I think I'm going to go for a run, so maybe like four? If you want we can eat, and watch a movie maybe."

"How about five and I'll bring pizza?" She was trying to butter me up with the pizza.

"Sounds good then, see you later."

"Bye, Bella, see you later."

I hung up the phone and laid there feeling very paranoid. The nauseous feeling was starting to subside, but I still felt a little frayed around the edges.

I dragged myself off the couch and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. The kitchen was empty and clean. Not even a dish left in the sink. I was usually so busy with work that I brought home that I tended not to notice the loneliness of this house, but as it descended upon me I felt like I was going to suffocate. I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air.

I had taken up running after _he_ left. In a strange way it made me feel close to _him_. I had learned to love when _he_ ran with me on _his_ back. Being sadomasochistic, physical pain that I felt from running helped dull all other pain. I could find solace in the few hours of peace in my head. It had taken several weeks for me to be able to run without falling, and now I was well versed with the road.

I pulled off my Uggs in exchange for my trainers, grabbed my iPod, and stepped out into the cold misty afternoon.

The music from my iPod blared in my ears loud and consuming.

I ran to the end of my road and then headed for the highway. There weren't many cars on the road this Saturday afternoon, so I could run partially on the road instead of the gravel shoulder. The constant thud of my feet hitting the asphalt and my breathing had an even, comforting rhythm. I could normally block all other thoughts from my mind but last night was weighing heavily. The hair on the back of my neck rose again with the feeling of being watched. Glancing around, I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, just the trees and forest as far as the eye could see. I tried my best to ignore the feeling, but after hitting the three mile mark I was too paranoid to continue on the main road.

I turned off the highway onto the road that led to La Push. About a quarter of a mile ahead there was a trail that led through the forest back by my house. I had been on it once or twice, but mostly avoided it because it was in to close a proximity to _their _house. Without a second thought I cut through the trees and into the seclusion of the forest.

The path was clear with ferns and trees lining the way. I was always amazed at how surreal the forest seemed. Like it was ripped from the pages of a fantasy novel. The light barely showing through the thick canopy and with less visibility I had to slow my pace considerably.

Since Jacob and the pack had been patrolling the woods around La Push and Forks I felt safer being in it. After the run in with Laurent I hadn't seen another vampire since _they_ left. Of course there was always the occasional bear or cougar, but for the most part they were higher in elevation than Forks.

I slowed and turned to look behind me, and I could no longer see the road. I checked the clock on my iPod and it said that it was around one o'clock. I had four hours until Angela would be over, and if I walked briskly I could get back this way in two hours tops. That would definitely leave me enough time to take a bath and relax.

The nauseous feeling was almost completely gone, but had been replaced with butterflies. I was maybe only a quarter of a mile away from the big white house. I had only seen it once in eight years. The happiness that surrounded that house left with its occupants. Thinking about it, I felt like the house was a reflection of me. When my family was with me I was full of life and love, and when _they_ left it was just a huge empty shell like me, hollow and lifeless.

I turned my music up again and tried to focus on the path before me. I was paying such close attention to the ground that when the path turned into a gravel road I hadn't given it much thought. When the realization hit me that I was on a driveway, I slowly looked up and instead of a dark empty house there were cars in the driveway and lights on in the windows. It seemed as though every window was illuminated and for a brief second I could see movement in the downstairs window.

I was frozen to the ground. I couldn't even consciously move if I wanted to. This had been what I had been waiting for, for eight long years. But the cold realization hit me like a slap in the face. They were back, and not one of them had bothered to let me know. They didn't owe me anything as far as they were concerned, but I thought that I had at least meant something to them.

A massive figure walked directly in front of the living room window, and turned to look out, and right at me. I made eye contact with Emmett then I turned and ran full tilt down the driveway.

I was pushing my legs harder and faster than I had dared to run before. I just wanted to get away from there. Away from the people that I thought had once loved me. I could feel the wetness on my face from the misty air and the silent tears that were streaming down my cheeks.

Before I realized where I had run to I was at the end of their driveway. I was disoriented, turning in a circle around myself trying to figure out why I hadn't just continued on the path towards my house. How had I gotten so far out of my way? I spun back around debating on trying just to blaze my own path through the underbrush when I saw Emmett standing not ten feet away.

"Bella?" He said with confusion in his voice.

I was trying hard to find my voice. Internally I was rejoicing that Emmett was actually standing in front of me, but at the same time I was deeply conflicted. I turned, void of all emotions, and just started walking through the bushes.

"Bella, wait…" I could hear him walking behind me, but I didn't stop.

"What are you doing here?" I muttered under my breath.

"Bella, would you just stop please." I wanted to stop, but my legs kept on in a forward motion. I felt strong hands grip the sides of my arms and pull me to a stop. They turned me around and I was suddenly up against his broad chest with his arms holding me close. The tears were free flowing now, and I just wanted to bury myself in his embrace.

The last eight years of pain came flooding out of me and I clutched at his shirt for dear life. I could hear myself mumbling, "Why… why… why…" over and over again. He held me tight to him, and just rocked me back and forth. I could hear him talking low, but it was too low for me to understand, and I wasn't aware of anyone other than him and me.

After what felt like hours of exhausting sobbing, I broke my hold on his shirt and pulled away enough to see his face.

"Hey there, little sis, are we a little better?"

I nodded my head, sniffing and wiping the tears from my face. Out of force of habit I looked at my iPod and saw that it was ten minutes to five o'clock.

"Shit, I have to go…" I looked at his face and I didn't want to move. He could see my hesitancy.

"Do you have to be back at a certain time?"

"I told Angela that I would meet her at five, and now it's going to take me forever to get home." I started to get up, but Emmett wouldn't let me go.

"I think I can help you with that." Before I could comprehend what was happening I was flying through the trees. It was so exhilarating that I hadn't even noticed when seconds later he set me down on my front porch. I grabbed his shirt again.

"Please, can you stay… a little while at least?" He smiled that huge grin that I missed so much and picked me up, swinging me around like a small child.

"Of course I can, little sis, whatever you want."

He set me down and we both turned to see Angela's Explorer pull in the driveway.

She got out of the car, and as she approached us I noticed that she didn't seem at all surprised to see Emmett. All at once the pieces fell into place. The smell, the voice, the creepy feeling of being watched, all suddenly made sense. I turned back to face Emmett.

"So, how much time did Angela and I spend with you last night?"


	7. Confession

**A/N - I would like to thank my beta Breath-of-twilight again. She is so amazing, and when I feel like slamming my head in a door she helps me out. The song that kind of inspired this chapter is Last Leaf by OK GO. Please review and tell me what you think, whether you like it or not. I love all your feedback, and thank you to those of you who always review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 7**

**Confession**

**BPOV**

"Well, are we talking about time spent conscious or time spent unconscious?" He was smirking, and that worried me most of all. I was definitely excited to see him, but at the same time I had to be cautious.

"Both, I guess." He laughed and when Angela came up the stairs he relieved her of the pizza and a grocery bag. I hugged Angela and then let us all into the house.

Flicking on the overhead light I noticed that my stuff was still just sitting on the floor from this morning. I scrambled to pick it up and remembered that I had not showered since yesterday. I tried to sniff myself inconspicuously but I heard Emmett let out a giggle. I turned to face him.

"Did you just giggle?" I grinned back at him.

"NO, I don't giggle." Angela was watching our exchange with curiosity.

"Can I ask you guys a favor, would you mind terribly if I took a quick shower?" I felt bad for asking but I needed to wash the last twenty-four hours away.

"Yeah, take your time." Angela smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Yeah Bella you stink." I socked Emmett in the arm and had forgotten he was hard as a rock.

I took my stuff and ran up the stairs, dumping it on the bedroom floor. I grabbed some clean clothes, stripped off the dirty ones, and then chanced running back to the bathroom, hoping that no one saw me. I waited for the water to heat up in the shower, and when I stepped in I could feel my muscles start to relax. I needed to make this shower as quick as possible for two reasons; one, I had company and I didn't want to be rude, and two, I was ready to face Emmett and what _their_ return meant.

I washed up quickly and changed into a pair of black yoga pants and a green tank top. I ran the brush through my hair and left to join my company downstairs. I paused at the top of the stairs, eavesdropping on the conversation going on below.

"… That's why I came over. I wasn't just going to tell her on the phone, and she left before I had a chance to tell her this morning." Angela sounded irritated.

"I think I heard her come out." Damn Emmett and his superior hearing ability.

I descended the stairs and saw them sitting on opposite ends of the couch. It made me feel almost normal again seeing Emmett. I had thought about him often, but I hadn't really realized the depth of my sisterly affection for him until that moment. They both looked at me at the same time and smiled. I walked past them and into the kitchen where I grabbed plates and the pizza before going into the living room.

"Ang, want something to drink?"

"Sure, waters fine."

I looked at Emmett and he shook his head declining my offer. He seemed impressed that I still remembered to act like everything was normal.

I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of water out of the refrigerator, and noticed that the motion light on the side of the house was illuminated. I peeked out the door and didn't see anything. I locked the door and returned to sit on the living room floor with my back against the couch.

"So you had something that you wanted to talk to me about?" I eyed Angela as I took a bite of pizza.

"Yeah, ummm, I'm not really sure of where to start. Okay, last night we ran into Emmett, Jasper, and… ummm… Edward." I blanched at the last name and could see Emmett grimace at the pain the name caused me.

"Was that before or after I lost consciousness?" I didn't remember, so I had to be unconscious. That or my mind was intentionally blocking that memory to save itself.

"Actually Bella you went out like a light when you saw my face." I turned red knowing that Emmett was trying to lighten the mood.

"What were you guys doing in Port Angeles?" I asked, staring intently into Emmett's' golden eyes, searching for at least a half truth.

"We were having a guy's night out. It was just a coincidence that we saw you." He was lying. He had always been the most honest person I knew, which translated into him being a terrible liar.

"Bella, I just didn't want to tell you over the phone. I felt like this was important enough that I really needed to be with you when you found out." Angela smiled weakly at me. I was dying inside and she knew it. I didn't deserve her friendship, but I would be forever grateful for her presence in my life.

"I know, Ang, you know me better than anyone. Thank you for at least telling me." I tried to keep the tears from filling my eyes, but they spilled over before I could compose myself.

"Bella, I just want you to be prepared for the off chance that you might run into him. I can't watch you go through all this again. It hurts too much." I rose to my knees so that I could give Angela a hug. The pain in my heart was worse knowing that this affected her too.

We ate in silence for a few minutes when Emmett's phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and checked the caller id.

"Rose… I gotta get this Bella, I'll be right back." He stood up and went into the kitchen. He was talking so low that I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I knew it had to be about me.

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what's up?"

"Are you really going to be okay? I mean, I know that you probably will be just fine, but I just worry, you know?" She grimaced probably thinking back to my catatonic days.

"I'll be okay, eventually. I need to deal with it anyway, so I might as well just pull off the bandage. Really, I'll be okay." She wasn't convinced, but I could only hope that she would eventually believe in me.

"I hate to eat and run, but since Emmett is here I really need to get back to Ben. Do you mind if I take a rain check on the movie?"

"Of course I don't mind. If I monopolize you now, Ben won't ever let you go out with me again."

"Shut up, you know he absolutely adores you." She hugged me tighter this time, and then rifled through her purse looking for her keys. We both stood so that I could walk her to the door.

"Oh, here, don't forget your pizza." I grabbed the box off the floor and handed it to her.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, Ben will eat it, won't he?"

"Yes, this pizza is the one thing that he misses the most about Forks. Even more so than his family I think. He has yet to find a pizza place that even comes close to this." We giggled and she embraced me again, this time squeezing me hard before she turned and walked to her car.

"Drive careful, and call me when you get home. Bye."

"Bye, Bella, oh, and tell Emmett that I said good bye, also." I watched her get in the car and drive off down the road.

Shutting the door behind me I could still hear Emmett on the phone. I didn't want to interrupt him so I curled up at the end of the couch and waited for him to finish.

A minute later he walked back into the living room and sat next to me.

"Is everything okay?" I tried to sound indifferent.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Actually, Rose was calling to ask if you would mind coming over." He wasn't looking at me, and there was no smile on his face. He knew my answer, but felt obligated to ask anyway.

"I don't know, Emmett. I'm not sure if I'm really ready yet. I think maybe Monday I could meet up with you guys after work. That way I kind of have tomorrow to prepare myself." He met my eyes, and even though he could not cry, I think at that moment, he was.

"Bella, can you tell me what happened. I mean what he said and how it was from your side." Again he would not meet my eyes.

"Well, I mean, I'm sure you know a little bit. You did spend time with Angela last night." Now it was me that couldn't meet his eyes.

"Yes, but I want to hear it from you." I looked up to see him searching my face for something, but I wasn't sure what.

"He told me I wasn't good for him. I had always known that he was better than me, but it hurt to hear him say it." Emmett tried to interrupt, but I held my hand up to stop him.

"No, Emmett, I always knew he was too good for me. When you guys left I felt like I had lost my family not just the love of my life. I tried so hard to just go on living, but… I guess I didn't do a very good job. I pushed everyone away, including Charlie. I just hurt, everything hurt. When Charlie died I actually wished for death, Emmett. I haven't ever told anyone that…" The tears started to stream down my cheeks.

Emmett didn't say another word; he just reached out and pulled me into his chest.

"I… Bella… I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say, because sorry is not enough. There is no way that we can ever make this right. We shouldn't have left. We should have stood our ground and stayed…" I couldn't listen anymore.

"No, Emmett, what's done is done. Now all there is left to do is to try and salvage what friendships we have left." Emmett pulled back and looked at me.

"Wait, what are you saying?" He seemed confused.

"Well, depending on how long you all have decided to stay, I guess we should see if we can still be friends…"

"Bella, we love you. You've always had our friendship. You're part of our family…"

"Don't, Emmett, because you know that if that were true I wouldn't have spent the last eight years wondering why no one loved me enough to stay." He dropped my shoulders and put his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Emmett, I don't trust very easily anymore…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. As far a trust goes, we'll do whatever we have to do, Bella, to make this right. I don't want to leave, but I need to get home and have a little talk with my family." He was angry, but I could see determination in his features.

"Okay, just let me know if Monday is good for you guys, and we'll work out the details." Emmett stood and then knelt in front of me.

"I don't think that there is anything in this world that can make this situation right. I want you to know though, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love you. You are my little sister, and I promise I won't let anything hurt you again." He kissed my forehead and then turned to leave, closing the door quietly behind him.

I wasn't sure what awaited the Cullen's when Emmett got home, but I was glad that I would not be on the receiving end of his wrath. I didn't want to make him angry but it felt good to really tell someone how it was. There were so many secrets. Secrets that I felt obligated to keep just that, secrets. With so many of them I had never really been able to truly express my feelings with anyone.

I felt lighter… almost. I still had yet to see the one that meant the most and come to terms with the fact that friendship may be all that I was ever be able to have with him. Just to have him in my life was enough.

Tomorrow was going to be a busy day of preparing for my next week of school, and I was already a little bit sleep deprived. I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I had opted to keep my room when Charlie died. I just wasn't ready to move his things.

I disposed of all my clothes, except for my tank top sans bra and my underwear. Padding quickly back to the bathroom, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Walking back into my room felt oddly comforting. It hadn't been a place that I liked to spend much time in since Edward had left. Remembering the nights we spent together was too painful.

I realized in that moment that this was the first time I had allowed myself to think his name.

I crawled between my sheets and lay there finally thinking about Edward. It had been so long since I had allowed myself the pleasure of my memories, and even though I was still angry and hurt I would allow myself this one moment.

Without a second thought my hand moved to my stomach and under my tank top. I stopped for a minute until I could clearly picture Edwards' face in my mind. Thinking of that beautiful face would have brought me to my knees a week ago, but the prospect of seeing him in a couple of days excited something within me. My left hand moved up my smooth, flat stomach and came to rest between my breasts.

I then turned my thoughts to his mouth, remembering what his cool lips felt like against mine. My hand moved directly over my hardened peak and squeezed. I let out a moan of pleasure and continued needing and pulling on my breasts until my body hummed with pleasure.

My right hand move to the waist band of my underwear, with thoughts of his hands running up and down my sides I slowly slipped two fingers into my wet warmth. My fingers immediately sought my sweet spot and I gasped with intense pleasure as I imagined it were him inside of me moving in and out.

I pumped harder as the pressure inside me mounted; becoming all consuming and then as if a fire cracker had gone off inside me I came hard. Writhing and arching from the bed as explosions of pleasure rippled through me.

Without realizing what I was doing I gasped out Edward's name at the peak of my orgasm and glanced towards my window.

I gasped in surprise and mortification; there in the tree were two golden eyes blazing back at me. It must have been a figment of my imagination though, because no sooner had I seen them, they were gone.


	8. Right

**So, sorry about all of the craziness with the reposting of the chapters. Don't know what kind of technical difficulties I was having, but at least I finally got it squared away, right? So, since it took me forever to get this chapter up it is especially long. Longest one to date, and it has a lemon, so there. Had to show all of you that regularly read some love. The song for this chapter is Need by Hana Pestle. Another big thank you to Breath-of-twilight, for betaing this and putting up with my lameness, you are awesome on so many levels!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 8

Right

EPOV

The ride home from Port Angeles was almost harder for me than leaving Bella the first time. I had literally been in the same car with her after eight years, and I couldn't touch her or talk to her. She did not even know that I was back, and from the way events had unfolded tonight I wasn't sure if it was a good thing for me to be here.

Seeing that man rub himself on her threw me into a rage. His thoughts were full of what he had intended to do to her, and since she was so drunk she was an easy target for him. Had it not been for Angela, I may have taken a human life that night. I did not need that to add to the list of wrongs that I had committed.

My heart shattered into thousands of pieces hearing her night terrors. Knowing I still affected her after all this time was disturbing. I had possibly irreparably damaged Bella. I had left, therefore doing the one thing I could for her to make her life better and I had been wrong.

As Emmett held her in the back seat I had to fight back the jealousy that coursed through me. Instead I tried to memorize the new person before me. She was no longer a girl; that much was evident. Her hair seemed to be a little fuller and longer. Her figure, although still slight was more curvaceous, and her legs looked longer with the addition of her high heels. I smiled thinking about her tennis shoes, and wondered whether or not she still wore them on occasion.

Her face was the same, except for the darker shadows under her eyes. Makeup covered them to the human eye, but I could tell. There were a few new frown lines that I had noticed, but her face was so expressive that I wondered what kind of emotion would have made them. As I thought about it though, the only logical emotions would be pain and anguish. I had only seen her in pain a few times, but it was apparent it was more common now.

I had wished desperately just to touch her. Her scent was so strong, that it hit me like a Mack truck, but the demon in me did not rejoice. My love for her was so all consuming that it was the only thing that I could focus on.

Emmett and Jasper kept telling me to keep cool. My conversation with Angela was so emotional for me that Jasper was ready to abandon me all together. He was trying to keep it together for me. I knew that he felt like it was partially his fault in the first place that we left, bringing me back to leaving her now.

"Emmett, why did you stick up for me back there?" I had been wondering since we left Angela's.

"I wasn't sticking up for you dude, just stating the obvious. I know you love her man. That needs to count for something in this mess." With that Emmett was silent again.

The ride home was quiet after that. Both Jasper and Emmett were mentally quiet as well, and that left me with nothing to focus on but Bella.

As we pulled into our driveway we could hear the family assembling in the living room. I could tell by Jaspers' thoughts that the emotions inside were filled with worry.

We entered the house, and all eyes turned toward us. Carlisle spoke first.

"How did tonight go, and how is Bella?" He searched our faces awaiting an answer.

"Everything went about as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Bella…" Emmett cut me off.

"Carlisle, I don't even have words for what happened tonight." Emmett's thoughts were chaotic and he was angry.

"Emmett, do you think that I honestly knew that what was going to happen? I just need to figure out to make this better." I wasn't even sure if that was possible. I had quite literally fucked this situation so badly, and when I told Bella that she wasn't good enough for me… I could never take those words back.

Carlisle was looking between Emmett and me for an explanation.

"If she loves you still, she will find a way to forgive you." Jasper was being supportive yet again, because as cliché as it sounded he truly believed that love conquered all.

"That's bullshit man, and you know it! Even if she does, we all have fucked up her life, ahhhhh!! Don't you see, she is broken, BROKEN, man. WE left her. Not just Edward, but all of us. This is not just something that Edward needs to right. I think there are pieces of her with all of our names written on them, and it's all of our responsibility to put her back together again." Emmett was passionate, I would give him that.

_Quit analyzing me, Edward, I can't even begin to tell you how pissed I am at you. She's my little sister, and I WON'T, I repeat won't let you hurt her again. So I think you need to start thinking about getting your priorities in order, brother!_

Emmett was right, and with this outburst I wasn't sure whether he was even going to allow me to be alone with Bella again. If he only knew what I had actually said to her that day he would rip me limb from limb.

Carlisle, Esme, Rose, and Alice hadn't moved, still waiting for an explanation.

Jasper intervened, "We followed Bella to Port Angeles. She met up with Angela, and rehashed some memories of her first dates with Edward over dinner. They went to the new dance club there, and we had managed to keep our distance until some man started to try and take advantage of a very drunk Bella. She apparently has acquired somewhat of a small drinking problem. Anyway, we reacted, obviously, and when she saw Emmett and heard Edwards voice she passed out."

Their looks turned to stunned to say the least, and Jasper continued.

"We were standing there with Bella when Angela saw who was with her friend. We escorted them out of the club, and Angela proceeded to tell Edward exactly how much damaged he had done. She told us about the lonely life that Bella led, and when Charlie died…"

"Jazz, did you just say Charlie's dead?" I knew that Alice had told me that she wouldn't be looking in on Bella's future. I thought that with her connection to Charlie that she may have at least seen this, I was also wrong about that. Charlie had loved Alice like a daughter, and she in turn loved him like a second father. Jasper hated to have to tell her this, not just because it was his mate. The pain that she felt he also would have to endure, and it would be great. All the other faces were grim as well, and if we had the capability to cry there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.

"Yes, Charlie died about five years ago. He was killed making a traffic stop. Renee also apparently has not been close with Bella for some time, because Angela mentioned that she and Ben were all that Bella had left. At this point Bella was still passed out when she started to have a night terror, also something that apparently happens on a regular occurrence…"

"Don't sugar coat it man. She was crying in her sleep, and screaming, 'NO EDWARD you can't leave. PLEASE, please don't leave me. What am I going to do, please, PLEASE.' Angela says that she does it every night." Emmett wanted no detail left out.

The faces of my family members were all blank, but as I sifted through their thoughts, they were anything but blank. The one question that plagued them all was, '_Could us having left done that much damage to one human girl?_'

_How could we have possibly prevented this outcome? _Carlisle's thought rang in my head.

_Our poor sweet Bella, I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive us, and if not at least Edward, she has to understand… _Esme just wanted to see me and Bella happy, and she knew that love had to prevail, but what if she didn't really love me anymore?

_Edward? _My eyes flashed to Rose's face.

_I would have done the same thing in your position. _I looked into her eyes searching for the answer to what she was trying to tell me.

_Had Emmett not had been dying I would not have had Carlisle change him. Please don't say anything to him. The point is moot now because we all know how events played themselves out, but had he a life to live, I would have gladly sacrificed our life together for the chance he would have had to live a full and complete life. I know how hard it was for you to leave, and I stand by your decision still. You would know that I was lying if I said that I didn't miss Bella, in my own way, but if she isn't living her life Edward, then maybe you need to reconsider changing her._

Did Rose just tell me that she wanted me to change Bella?

"Edward, how shall we move forward then?" Carlisle said.

"I don't want to rush into her life when it would seem that we just left her the first time. We all know that isn't the case, but still I think we need to air on the side of caution. Not to mention, I am not even sure that is what she wants. She may still think of me, but that may not mean she is going to be so easy to forgive." I wanted nothing more than to run to Bella and just be with her, but I knew I had a long road ahead of me. For all I knew she may have actually believed what I told her that day, and sooner or later I was going to have to tell my family exactly what I had said to her.

_Edward, do you think that I could try to go see her by myself? _I wondered why Alice would ask me when she could see the outcome, but then I saw her vision. Bella refusing all of us, thus taking even more time to converge back into her life, and time was not on our side. I had already cost us eight precious years, I wasn't sure whether or not I could survive much longer without her. I slowly shook my head no, and then focused on how to get my Bella back.

"Well, clearly I think we all need some time to process this information and see what we can come up with." Carlisle just wanted to find a solution, but with that statement everyone dispersed.

I went to sit in front of my piano, hoping that it would provide an answer to my problems. We had spent hours talking about last night, when it seemed like only a few minutes, and we were no closer in deciding how to approach Bella. We needed to be quick about it or I was going to spontaneously combust. I was also worried that she might flee, and then I would have no clue where to find her.

I could tell where my family was throughout the house, their thoughts flickering in and out of my consciousness. Out of the blue, Emmett had thrown up a mental block singing his ABC's. That was a new one. I walked into the living room to see what he was up to, when Bella's lovely scent met my nostrils. I could see her small frame standing in the middle of our driveway not three hundred yards from where I stood. I watched as she turned and ran in the opposite direction of the house, just as Emmett took off out the front door.

I stood there stunned. Clearing her scent from my head I quickly tried to bring myself back to reality and ran after them. After just a few seconds I could see them clearly standing in front of me. Bella was sobbing, and Emmett was comforting her. In that moment I think I hit rock bottom. I was green with envy, and I wanted nothing more than to rip her from his arms.

I heard Emmett let out a low growl, clearly meant for me, and then so low that I'm sure Bella had not even heard he said, "Back off, I'll let you know what's going on. She just needs to wrap her head around this."

In his mind I could see Carlisle and Alice standing a few feet behind me. I sagged in relief then, realizing Emmett's statement was not just meant for me.

We all started back towards the house, leaving Emmett and Bella alone. As we reached the house Rose stepped out and stared deep into my eyes.

_So he's with Bella. _It was more of a statement than a question.

I nodded and then sat down on the stairs. Rose sat down next to me and took my hand in hers.

"Edward, can I be frank with you?" When had Rose ever not been frank with me, or anyone for that matter?

"Of course…" I couldn't wait to hear what she was going to say. I could hear the thoughts start to form in her mind and they surprised me.

"I have made it clear how I have always felt about my situation. I have also made it clear how I felt about Bella for the most part, and I'm sorry about that. I have always been a little bit jealous of her for more than a few reasons. She is the only girl that I have ever seen you truly open up to, and since I was made essentially for you that stung that you wanted her and never me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want you either, but I still felt the rejection." That was fair. I could see what she meant, especially since this was Rosalie.

"But then she found out what we are, and I was seething knowing that she held our fate in those fragile little hands of hers. That and she has the one thing that I don't…life. I mean like the opportunity to actually live her life and then die, and she wanted to give that all up. What I wouldn't give to trade her places.

"Over the last eight years though I have been able to really think about this, and I wasn't fair to either of you, ever. Everyone else has some sort of relationship with Bella but me and I regret that. I've seen how she has affected all of our family, including my Emmett, and I wish that I had seen how special she was before. She should be as important to me as Esme or Alice is. I never gave that a chance, and now, I'm worried that I may never get to." She lowered her eyes to her knees.

I sat there waiting for her to continue.

"I feel like I owe you the most though. You're my brother, and I love you dearly. I know that I don't say it, but it doesn't make it any less true. I didn't give your mate a chance and I feel horrible about it. I promise that I will do anything to help make this better." She finally looked up and met my surprised gaze.

"I really appreciate that, Rose. More so that I think you will ever know." I hesitated for moment before continuing. "I think that maybe I could use a little help with Emmett. I know that he is just protecting her, but how am I supposed to make anything better if he won't let me around her." She squeezed my hand and we shared a moment of complete understanding.

"Leave that to me, I think I might be able to do something about that." She reached into her pocket with her free hand and took out her cell phone. "I think I can get Emmett away from her long enough so you can get to her, then it's all you."

"Wait… hold on a second, Rose. Is this really happening? What am I going to do if she doesn't want me anymore?" I couldn't believe that I was within minutes of finally seeing Bella and I was having a full blown panic attack.

"Listen, Edward, she would be crazy to not take you back. I know you think that she won't forgive you, but if she loves you at least half as much as you love her then she'll forgive you. You just need to make her see that you were trying to protect her by leaving. Edward, you just need to relax. I'm not saying that she's going to run right into your arms either, but she will eventually forgive you. How about I go with you, and I'll call Emmett on our way." She smiled, stood up, and then pulled me up to stand next to her.

"Let me change my shoes, and we'll be on our way." Rose turned and ran into the house. I stood there on the porch waiting for her and listening to my family quietly moving about the house mixed with the muted sounds of the forest.

Alice came to stand in the doorway, and I could see a vision forming in her mind. Bella was speaking with Angela and Emmett. I couldn't make out any of the conversation because there were still some decisions being made.

"Thank you, Alice, for at least trying to see what you can." I heard her exhale, and then she was gone.

Rose was back within seconds and we were off.

Different shades of green were flying past us, and this was the first time in a very long time that I was trying to enjoy myself.

We reached her house quickly and could tell that there were three people inside. I quickly identified Angela as the third person as we listened to their conversation from the shadows of the trees.

_Have you told her about Edward being back?_

_Well Emmett, clearly that's why I came over. I wasn't just going to tell her on the phone, and she left before I had a chance to tell her this morning._

Rose started to move closer to the back side of the house, towards the kitchen, when she unknowingly set off the motion light by the kitchen door. We could hear Bella walk into the kitchen, and Rose immediately pressed herself close to the house and out of sight_._

I could see her through the window, and I had the overwhelming urge to walk out into the yard so that she could see me.

Bella moved to the back door, opened it, looked around, and then satisfied that there was nothing there, locked the door and went back to join her guests.

_Dude, I know you're out there with Rose, and now is not the time. She's still trying to process that we're back. I need more time._

Rose was watching the expression on my face, gauging my reaction to what was going on inside, and then was instantly next to me.

"What's going on, Edward? Did Emmett say something?" She knew that he knew we were there. It was only a matter of time before he communicated with me.

"He says that he needs more time with her, and that she is still processing our return." I had to hold back an eye roll. He was doing his damnedest to keep me from her as long as he possibly could, and I wasn't even sure if he knew that he was doing it.

We listened to them talk about the night before and our return, and both Emmett and Angela both were voicing the same concern in their heads.

_What's going to happen when she sees Edward?_

I wanted to know the answer to that question as well, but I was going to have to wait.

"I think it's time for me to intervene." Rose said, pulling me from my thoughts.

She pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly dialed Emmett's cell. We could hear it ringing in the house and waited from him to pick up.

_Ros_e… _I gotta get this, Bella, I'll be right back._

Emmett moved into the kitchen so he could look out the window at us.

"Emmett, I think you need to come out here. I know you want to help, but I think that Edward needs to be able to finally see Bella, don't you think?"

_Rosi_e, _you know how much I love you, but I need a few more minutes. I just need to hear it from her. She doesn't have anyone anymore, and I think she needs her big bro! Let me just have a few more minutes. It sounds like Angela is leaving anyway, so it will be a perfect time for me to talk to her._

Rose looked at me knowing that I was listening to their exchange. I shrugged and then nodded my head in agreement.

"Okay, Emmett, but only a little while longer, it's been a long day and she's going to need to rest soon."

_Okay, Rosie, you gonna wait for me?_

"Of course I'll wait, just don't be too long." She shut her phone and we stood there in silence as we watched Angela leave.

A few seconds after her car pulled out of the driveway, Emmett returned to the living room with Bella.

_Is everything okay?_ Bella asked trying to hide the worry in her voice.

_Yeah, everything is fine. Actually, Rose was calling to ask if you would mind coming over. _What? Where did that come from? He had been hiding that one from me. Apparently he thought it was better to see me in a group environment.

Rose looked at me and smiled, knowing that her husband was doing what he thought was right.

_I don't know, Emmett. I'm not sure if I'm really ready yet. I think maybe Monday I could meet up with you guys after work. That way I kind of have tomorrow to prepare myself._ Ouch, she needed time to prepare herself, to see us?

_Bella, can you tell me what happened? I mean what he said and how it was from your side._ I listened, knowing that was she would say would ultimately determine how I proceeded with our reunion. This also would be clearly a defining moment for my family, once they knew the truth would they ever see me the same or would they be they be overcome with disappointment?

_Well, I mean, I'm sure you know a little bit. You did spend time with Angela last night._ She knew her friend well. Angela would stick up for Bella no matter the situation.

_Yes, but I want to hear it from you._ Both Rose and I waited to hear her answer.

_He told me I wasn't good for him. I had always known that he was better than me, but it hurt to hear him say it._ The pieces started to fall into place and Emmett was livid with me, and he wasn't masking his desire to beat the living shit out of me. Rose just grimaced and nodded, knowing what I had tried to do. It had all made sense that I didn't want the family to have contact with her, this just added to the reasons.

_No, Emmett, I always knew he was too good for me. When you guys left I felt like I had lost my family, not just the love of my life. I tried so hard to just go on living, but… I guess I didn't do a very good job. I pushed everyone away, including Charlie. I just hurt, everything hurt. When Charlie died I actually wished for death, Emmett. I haven't ever told anyone that…_ I dropped to my knees listening to the pain and anguish in her voice. Rose knelt next to me and put her arm around me. I tried to contain the sobs that racked my body, but the effort was futile.

_I… Bella… I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say, because sorry is not enough. There is no way that we can ever make this right. We shouldn't have left. We should have stood our ground and stayed…_ He was thinking that he may not give me a chance to fix this, but no matter what stood in my way, I would try.

_No, Emmett, what's done is done. Now all there is left to do is to try and salvage what friendships we have left._ Friendship? Is that all that she would want from me? There was no way I could ever just be her friend.

_Wait, what are you saying?_ He was trying to decide what she meant, but was confused about her expression. I could tell by her image in his thoughts that she had already come to some sort of resolve.

_Well, depending on how long you all have decided to stay, I guess we should see if we can still be friends…_

_Bella, we love you. You've always had our friendship. You're part of our family…_

_Don't, Emmett, because you know that if that were true I wouldn't have spent the last eight years wondering why no one loved me enough to stay. I'm sorry, Emmett, I don't trust very easily anymore… _Rose was trying to comfort me, while I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

_You have nothing to be sorry for. As far a trust goes, we'll do whatever we have to do, Bella, to make this right. I don't want to leave, but I need to get home and have a little talk with my family._

_You catching all this man, because you need to have the shit knocked out of you. Really Edward, what were you thinking? Did she mean so little to you that you had to lie just to leave her? Did you not even consider that you OWED her the truth?_

At that moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than Bella.

_Okay, just let me know if Monday is good for you guys, and we'll work out the details._

_I don't think that there is anything in this world that can make this situation right. I want you to know though, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love you. You are my little sister, and I promise I won't let anything hurt you again. _I could hear him start to move, and then he was out the front door and standing directly in front of me.

His eyes were blazing and his thoughts were murderous. Rose stepped in front of me and put a hand on his chest. He finally registered her touch and slightly relaxed.

"Em, I get that your angry. We all are in our own way, but you need to step back and get a hold of yourself. I love you, but I love Edward too, and I can't have you trying to dismember him right now." She wanted me to know that I should stay away from him for a couple of hours so that he could cool down. She definitely had ideas about how to do it, but I didn't want to know.

Bella… I was all consumed with her scent coming off of Emmett.

He started to back away with Rose so that I could finally be alone.

_Don't fuck this up man. I mean it. I love you, too, but this is serious, dude._

I nodded at them, and they took off into the darkness, Bella's scent lingering in the air to keep me company.

I could hear her moving around upstairs, and I hoped that she still resided in the same room. I had wanted to make this as comfortable for her as possible.

I swiftly moved across her yard and up into the tree in front of her window. The sky decided to open up at that precise moment, and the rain was falling all around.

I looked through the window and was not prepared for what I saw. My beautiful Bella's eyes were closed and he lay on the bed lightly covered by her sheets. I could see her hands roaming over her stomach and up underneath her top, gently squeezing her perfect breast as she let out a low moan.

My breath caught in my throat, and I knew I needed to turn away and give her privacy, but my muscles wouldn't move. I was transfixed on the siren writhing on the bed in front of me.

Her little hand continued needing and teasing her breast, and I was overcome with the urge to help her along. I had lain with her many times, and being a man, I tried desperately to keep myself in check, but this time was different. My need for her surpassed my need to be a gentleman, and I watched intently for her next move.

I then saw her other hand start to move down her stomach before dipping beneath the sheet and what I would assume would be her underwear. I could imagine what that would feel like, her warmth and her wetness beneath my fingers. I could see the shape of her arm moving back and forth under the sheets, and she was gasping and moaning as she picked up speed.

My pants we getting tighter by the second, and I thought that I would lose what control I had built up.

"Oh, Edward, uhnmmn…" She moaned out quietly and I nearly came undone. She was thinking about me touching her. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my mouth. She slowly turned towards the window, and I knew I was caught.

She gasped in surprise now, and I could see the blood flood her cheeks, turning them a beautiful shade of crimson.

I dropped from the tree and quickly moved to stand near the edge of the yard bordered by the trees. I could hear her heart rate slow, and then suddenly it picked up again and I could hear her running down the stairs before the front door flew open and she was standing there in the doorway.

The rain was pouring down now, and I was soaked through. I turned to face her and she slowly started to walk out onto the front porch.

She was in just a tank top; her nipples peaked against the thin cloth, and tiny boy short underwear. If I had a beating heart it would have stopped dead in my chest. Her hair was wild and blowing all around her face. Her eyes were dark; almost pitch black, as she stared down at me from the porch. I slowly started to move forward, gauging her reaction as I moved. She just stood there, her chest heaving and her heartbeat pounding, but she did not move an inch. I walked right up to the stairs, lowered my gaze and knelt down at her feet.

I wanted to touch her, run my fingers up her legs, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself this time. I knew at this moment that whatever she asked of me I would give it to her. There would be no hesitation this time, it had gotten me nowhere in the past. It made me untrustworthy in her eyes. I wanted, no, needed to change that with every fiber of my being.

She knelt down next to me and brought her hand up underneath my chin. I felt the wonderful spark that occurred every time we touched, and hadn't realized how essential to my survival it had become. I slowly brought my eyes to meet hers, and when I opened my mouth to speak and she quickly cut me off by placing her hand to my mouth. I raised my hand to cover hers and placed a soft kiss on her finger tips.

She laced her fingers with mine and pulled me to stand up in front of her. Her gaze dropped to my feet and moved up my legs, memorizing every inch. She stopped her exploration at the button on my jeans and they became painfully tight again knowing she was looking at the effect she had on me. Her eyes went to mine and then she jumped and was wrapped around my body, crashing her lips against mine.

It took me a second to realize what was happening; my hands wrapping themselves around her of their own volition.

I opened my mouth to speak, and she took the opportunity to lick the inside of my lower lip and moved to touch my tongue. I had never kissed Bella this way for fear that she would be harmed by my teeth or venom, but in this moment, I could have cared less.

Her hips were grinding into my stomach, and I could smell her arousal engulf my senses. Before I knew what I was doing my hands moved to her hips, slipping my right hand below her thigh and touching the soft fabric between her legs. She gasped and threw her head back, and I clutched her tighter to me.

Knowing exactly where we would be going if we continued down this path, I moved through her front door, and kicked it shut behind me. I flew up the stairs, into her bedroom, and was overwhelmed with the scent of her arousal. It was hard enough to keep my head clear with her grinding hips into mine.

I walked to her bed and gently laid her down, then stepped back to fully take her in. She moaned with the loss of contact, and I couldn't help the pang in my gut. Her hair was wild from the wind and rain, and her lips were red and swollen from our urgent kisses. Her tank top and underwear were almost soaked through in the front from being slammed into my wet clothes.

She rolled to her side, then rose up on her knees in front of me and then reached out to touch the hem of my shirt. Her hands slid underneath, and I could feel her finger tips graze the skin of my abdomen. She curled her fingers around the helm, looked into my eyes, again gauging my reaction. When I made no move to stop her she slowly started to raise the wet material up and over my head. She tossed it, and I could hear it slop when it hit the floor.

If it were possible her eyes grew even darker, and her scent slammed into me again. She was biting her bottom lip, eyes scanning my chest, and I heard her breath hitch as she moved closer to me, kissing my chest. My head fell back, and I moaned from the feel of her warm wet lips against my cold hard chest. She moved to take my nipple in her mouth and sucked hard for a second before looking up at me and gently biting down.

I was not prepared for what that bite did to my body. I felt my release, and it was like an explosion of pleasure coursing throughout my body. She popped my nipple out of her mouth, smirked, and I knew then that she had me exactly where she wanted me. I stood there trying to compose myself when she pulled her tank top over her head and threw it somewhere in the room.

She was the most beautiful creature that I had ever seen. She had definitely matured since I last saw her. Her breasts were fuller but still perky, and her rosy pink nipples were exquisite. Her smooth stomach gave way to her hips that were also a little bit curvier. She smiled watching me take her in and grabbed my hand and pressed it to her left breast. I could feel her nipple pebble with the contact, and I had to stifle another moan, not wanting to release again until I was inside her. Wait, inside her, where had that thought come from? Before I had left I had never contemplated this moment. Now that I was in it, I couldn't imagine stopping.

I moved closer and dipped down to kiss her again, and she pulled me tight to her body. The feeling of having her naked chest pressed against my own was pure torture. Her warmth radiated into my cold chest, and I could feel her heart beating fast in her chest. For the first time in over one hundred years I felt truly alive.

Cradling her in my arms I lowered her onto the bed and tried to hover just above her so as not to crush her under my weight. Her hands ran up and down my back, over my sides, and finally settled at the button on my pants. She undid the button and zipper and slid them over my hips. I had gone commando since there was really no need for underwear and my erection was pressed hard to my belly. Her eyes widened at the site of me, and I was suddenly a little nervous that I wasn't acceptable to her. I had no idea how much experience she had since I left. What if I wasn't good enough for her anymore?

"Bella, I…" She placed her hand over my mouth again, and I could see tears forming in her eyes.

"Shhh, just be with me." That was all she needed to say and my mouth came crashing down upon hers, claiming it with mine. I was running my hands through her hair and reveling at the feel of Bella beneath me. That thought was the most amazing and unexpected thing. I wanted her wrath for what I had done, and maybe I would eventually get it, but now, she wanted to be with me and me with her.

I was so caught up in our kissing that I hadn't felt her squirming below me. Suddenly the heat from her core was stronger against my member, and her arousal was drowning my senses. Her small hand wrapped around my shaft and rubbed slowly from hilt to tip.

I moaned into her mouth, and my breathing sped up with my excitement. Thanking my lucky stars that she still wanted me after my first release, I could not have imagined what would come next.

I was focused on her hand when I could suddenly feel the wetness between her legs. The tip of my member had come in contact with her soft folds and I nearly lost it again.

She positioned me at her entrance and looked into my eyes, searching for my approval. Maintaining eye contact I slowly pressed into her warmth, feeling her adjust to my invasion until I was almost fully sheathed within her. To my surprise, I hit a barrier and looked at her in shock.

"It was always for you," she whispered to me. That was all that I needed to fill her up to my hilt. I heard her squeak, and I waited for a sign that it was ok for me to continue. She looked up at me and nodded for me to continue. I pulled out and then pushed back in, gliding through her slick folds with ease now. Every thrust was met with a moan of pleasure from both of us. If there was a heaven I was surely already there. I could feel the pressure building inside of me, and my thrusts were harder and faster.

I could hear her moans getting louder and her walls started to contract around me, and I knew she was so close to her orgasm. I pushed harder and deeper than before and pushed her over the edge, bringing her with me into my orgasm.

Sparks of electricity were shooting between our bodies, and I looked to see the results of her magnificent release. Her body was glistening with sweat and her whole body seemed to glow. I hesitated to pull out of her, not wanting to disturb the moment and instead leaned down to kiss her sweet lips. I slowly removed myself from her warmth, mourning the loss of her when I notice the blood on me. At that moment, I realized that I had not thought about killing her even once. I had been so wrapped up in her and the most unimaginable experience of my life that I hadn't even considered the possibility.

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**So, what do you think for the first, real lemon. I would love to know what you think so please review. Also, just to throw this out there, Bella has NOT forgiven Edward, just in case some may have been confused on that point. I'll get to that in the next chapter.**


	9. Dream

**A/N Okay, I know, it has been two weeks, and I officially suck. I have no excuse other than I have two kids, and no time. I try really hard though, and I promise that I will try to be better and update once a week. Now, again, Breath-of-twilight, you are the most awesome beta in all the universe. Thank for putting up with me. The song for this chapter is Dream by Pricilla Ann. Please review, and I hope this chapter helps out those of you who didn't like the last chapter. Also, I did a one shot for Breath-of-Twilight's Countdown to April Fools Day. You should go on over there and check them all out!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 9

Dream

BPOV

I sat straight up in bed when I realized that I had indeed seen Edward. I flew out of my room and down the stairs and wrenched open the front door. As I stood there in the doorway, I saw him with my own eyes, standing at the edge of the front yard, obviously ready to dash into the nearby trees. My heart clenched, and I silently pleaded with him to turn and look at me. As if he had heard me, he slowly turned to face me. The second I saw his face, my feet began to move towards him.

It was freezing and wet outside, the wind blowing my hair fiercely around my face, but I barely noticed. Seeing Edward standing in front of me, soaking wet caused my blood to blaze with a desire just to touch him.

He started to move cautiously towards me, and my heart started to pound in my ears, drowning any other sound with its rapid thump, thump. He was eyeing me warily, like he wasn't sure if he should approach me or not. As he reached the front step, just before me, he knelt directly in front of me on the stairs. I hesitated, afraid that if I reached out to him, he would vanish. Feeling something deep inside me break apart, I knew that I had to touch him.

I knelt down next to him, bringing my hand up to his chin. The same spark of electricity shot up my arm, and I hadn't realized until that moment how much I had really missed it. I tilted his face up to meet my gaze and he started to speak. I placed my hand over his mouth; I didn't want to hear anything that he had to say just yet. I just wanted to be with him in the most primal way. I had never wanted anything so much in my life.

He brought his hand up to cover mine, and pressed my fingers to his lips. My body craved his touch, and I would not deny myself this opportunity if he was willing. I laced my fingers with his and pulled him up to stand next to me. It had been so long since I had really looked at him that I just wanted to drink in every inch of his gorgeous body. I glanced at his waist, immediately noticing his erection straining against the rough fabric of his jeans, causing wetness to pool between my legs.

His expression hadn't change as I looked back up into his golden eyes, and with every last bit of strength I could muster I threw myself at him, jumping into his arms and crashing my mouth against his. He wrapped his arms around me and opened his mouth. I took that opportunity to lick his cool bottom lip, begging for entrance. My tongue touched his, and he tasted so sweet. This was the first time that he had ever allowed me to go this far with him. I wondered if his judgment was clouded in the moment.

I ground my hips against his, and I could feel his erection rubbing against my core. I was balancing precariously on the edge of a cliff, ready to throw myself over the edge when he pushed me into oblivion. His cold hand had snaked down my hip and under my leg until he was caressing my soft core through my underwear. I threw my head back and pressed harder into him, wanting to be fused to his body.

He moved into the house, kicking the door shut behind us. The hallway flashed by me, and then we were back in my room. Edward laid me down on my bed and then stepped back.

I whimpered at the loss of contact and the chill from my wet clothes. I had absorbed the water from his clothes, and the wetness gave me an idea. I rose up on my knees and reached out to him, grasping his shirt in my hands. He was wet and disheveled, and all I could think about was getting his clothes off and touching him again. I grazed his stomach with my fingers and looked back into his eyes to see if he would stop me. There was fire behind his eyes, and I knew I could continue. I slowly started to lift his shirt up and over his head, throwing it on the floor.

His sweet smell was so much stronger with his naked skin exposed, and if it were possible, I was ready to self combust with the fire coursing through my veins. My eyes moved over his muscular chest, drinking him in like it was the last thing I would ever see. I just wanted to taste him, some kind of tangible evidence that I wasn't just imagining him, so I leaned forward and kissed his rock hard chest. It was cold, like the rest of him, but my skin was so warm that I could feel his temperature rise slightly against my face.

His head lolled back, and a moan escaped his lips, effectively making me brazen. I slowly placed my mouth over his nipple and sucked. When I saw that he was enjoying himself I thought I would turn it up a notch and gently bit down. His body immediately reacted, and by the tremors running through him, I knew that he had felt some kind of release. The thought that I had brought this beautiful creature that much pleasure superseded any other thought in my brain.

Taking advantage of his overwhelmed state, I slipped my tank top off and threw it to the floor. He stilled, and I could feel his eyes run over my skin, taking in every inch that was visible to him. I reached for his hand and brought it to my breasts, pressing him hard against me. He moved down until his lips were pressed gently against mine, and then pulled me tight against his body. His temperature was shocking against my flush chest, but only served to make my body crave him all the more.

He cradled me in his arms, and lowered us to lie on the bed. He hovered just above me, making me want to touch him. I ran my fingers up and down his spine, then over his sides until I was at the button on his pants. I swiftly had the button undone and the zipper down before he could change his mind. I was not prepared to see Edward this way. He didn't have any underwear on and his erection was straight against his stomach. He was so well endowed that I wondered how exactly he was going to fit in me.

"Bella, I…" I placed my hand over his mouth as the tears started to well in my eyes. I didn't want to do this now. I didn't want to think about the bad things, or the things we couldn't change. I just wanted to be with him, and forget, if even for a moment, that this was an impossible situation. I didn't want to be mad, bitter or resentful. I just wanted to be with him, above everything else in the world. I could deal with the other shit later.

"Shhh, just be with me." His mouth came crashing down on mine. This was a side I had never seen of Edward. He was confident, and I could tell that he wasn't holding back anything, just by the fervor of his kisses. I ran my fingers threw his hair, feeling his gorgeous locks between my fingers. My arousal was at an all time high, and I couldn't stop my body from seeking friction from his, so I wiggled my hips trying to get my underwear off. Once I was free I wrapped my legs around his and slid my hand between us to grab his erection in my hand.

I slowly stroked him from top to bottom, causing him to moan into my mouth. I took advantage of his distraction and positioned him at my entrance and pressed forward on him, until his tip was just between my folds.

Looking into his eyes I waited for him to let me know that this was okay. He held eye contact as he slowly pushed in me, and then stopped at my barrier, a look of surprise on his face.

"It was always for you," I whispered. An intense look shadowed his features, and he pushed past my barrier, filling me until I could feel his hips against mine. A squeak slipped out from behind my lips with the sudden pain that accompanied the loss of my virginity. I hoped that this was his first time, too, or I would feel foolish that I had saved myself for him. He was staring at me intensely, waiting for me to give him the okay to continue. He slowly moved in and out, and the sensation of his cold member in my throbbing hot core was exhilarating. Every thrust was met with a moan of pleasure from both of us. If there was a heaven I was surely already there. I could feel the pressure building inside of me as his thrusts became harder and faster.

Pressure was building inside my body, and I felt like I was getting ready to explode. He must have been able to sense my impending orgasm because he pushed harder and deeper within me until I was exploding with pleasure. His body went rigid inside me at the same time and he came deep within me. His cold seed made me feel tingly inside.

I lay there panting and sweaty while his eyes roamed over my naked body. He leaned in to kiss me softly. His lips felt so good against my own, and I wanted to savor this moment forever, not let reality seep back into the moment.

It was over a moment later when he slowly pulled out from me. I whimpered feeling the loss, but a wave of exhaustion hit at the same time causing everything to fade to black.

I awoke the next morning to the sweetest smell. I thought that I may have been dreaming, and in that case I didn't want to wake up. Memories from the night before slammed into me, and I immediately knew that the smell was Edward.

I lay there with my eyes closed wondering if I should even open them or spend just a few more moments before dealing with the situation. If I was honest with myself I really wanted to avoid this situation, all together. I was reeling from his return, but so hurt and bitter inside for the years that he was gone. I needed to let him know how I felt, but at the same time I was so afraid that he would leave again.

I could feel his eyes on me as I internally debated what to do. Just because I had made love to him didn't mean it had erased all the pain that he inflicted on me. I needed to get away from him so that I could try and think clearly. I needed to go for a run.

I slowly opened my eyes to see him lying directly in front of me. He was still as a statue, and his face held no expression. I blinked a couple of times, just to make sure I was indeed conscious. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he didn't say a word.

"Edward… I… I just can't talk right now. I need to clear my head. Last night was amazing on so many levels for me, but… I'm just not ready to talk about… you know, while you were gone." I looked away, knowing that if I looked into his eyes I would forgive him. I owed it to myself and to the people that were left with this half person to let him know exactly what he had done. One night could not erase eight years.

"Bella… please look at me. I know I can't take back what I did, and I don't expect you to just forgive me. I just want a chance." His voice cracked, and I struggled to keep my eyes averted.

"Really, Edward, I can't do this right now. I'm going to go for a run, and I really need the rest of this day to prepare myself for school tomorrow. I'm coming over to your house tomorrow and we can talk about it then." I continued to divert my eyes and slowly moved from the bed. As the covers fell away from my naked body, I could see that he was still naked under my covers, too. He was magnificent, but if I stayed much longer I wouldn't want to leave him, hell, I didn't really want to leave him as it was.

I tried not to focus on the fact that I was naked and went to my dresser to retrieve underwear and a sport bra. I tried not to look in the mirror, but I could see him still lying in the exact same way he had when I had woken up. I needed to get out of this room, and fast, before I did something that I would be disappointed in later.

I grabbed a pair of stretch pants and a hoodie, threw them on and headed downstairs. My trainers were sitting by the front door. I pulled them on and stepped out into the cold, foggy morning.

I headed in the same direction I always ran, but when I got into town, I turned and headed towards Hoquiam. I ran passed the Chamber of Commerce and the small air field on the edge of town. I knew if I went this way, I would be less likely to run into anyone that I knew.

Last night had been a defining moment in my life. I would be forever changed by my actions, and I had to figure out what to do from here. Edward could not be forgiven so easily. The way I was after he left hurt a lot of people, especially Charlie. If nothing else, I owed it to my Dad to take my time with this situation.

I hadn't even asked Edward what he was doing back. I just got caught up in _everything_ Edward, and succumbed to all that I had ever wanted.

He had said that I wasn't good for him, yet here he was, back in Forks, and subsequently my bed. That had to mean something. Maybe it was just for old time's sake, or maybe this was something that he had become accustomed to while he was gone. I didn't know, but with every fiber of my being I hoped the latter wasn't a possibility.

I needed to figure out what I was going to say to not only Edward, but to the rest of them, as well. No matter what, if they were back, I craved to have them in some aspect of my life, even if it was just as an acquaintance.

They all needed to hear what they had done. It wasn't just Edward who left, and each one had left some kind of crippling mark on my heart.

Before I realized where I was, I had run all the way to the state park turn off, about five miles out of town. I hadn't even realized how cold it was and the fact that it had begun to sprinkle. I turned back towards town, and brought myself to an even pace, letting my mind go blank, just focusing on my breathing and the smell of the rain.

The Welcome to Forks sign came into view, and I wondered how long I had been gone. I had forgotten my iPod in my haste to leave the house, and my cell phone, as well. As I approached my house I wondered when and if Edward had left.

I reached the front door and tried the handle to find that it was locked. At least he had locked up. I grabbed the key from its hiding place and let myself in. The house was too quiet, and I wished that he had stayed.

I locked the door behind me and made my way up to my room. It still smelled wonderfully of Edward and sex. I went to my dresser and found a note under my cell phone. I hesitated before I picked it up, wondering if it was really a good idea if I looked at what it said. Curiosity won out, and I could see Edward's elegant script on the paper. There were only two lines written on it:

_If I could change everything I would._

_I love you_

I stood there staring at the paper. I wanted to believe him with every last ounce of hope I possessed, but could I ever trust him again. I didn't know the answer to that question, and truthfully I wasn't sure what to do.

I picked up my cell phone to see if I had any missed calls. Someone was trying to get in touch with me; I had fifty-three missed calls, and ten voicemails. I pressed the button to connect me to my voicemail and put it on speaker phone so I could change out of my sweaty clothes.

_You have ten new voicemails, to listen to your messages press one_, the automated voice said. I pressed one and waited for the first message to start.

_Bella, it's Jake, call me._ He sounded a little bit agitated. I pressed seven when prompted to delete.

_Bella, it's Jake, I need you to call me ASAP._ Now I could tell he was pissed, and deleted that message as well.

_Can you please call me, Bella? I have something very important I need to talk to you about. _Jake never called me thi_s _much anymore.

_Hey little sis, just wanted to check and make sure you were okay. See you tomorrow._ It was so sweet of Emmett to be checking on me, but I wondered what could have prompted him to be so concerned.

_Hey Bella, it's Ang; I just wanted to make sure last night went okay. Call me when you get a chance and we can plan something for this coming Friday._ Angela was such a good friend I didn't deserve her.

_Bella, it's Jake again, and I really need you to call me._ What in the hell could he possibly need to talk to me about?

_Bella, it's Haven and I need you to call the house as soon as you get this message. Jake has to talk to you about something very important._ This was getting ridiculous.

_Hi…Bella, it's Alice. I was hoping to catch you so that I could say hello, but I guess I'll just see you tomorrow._ I hadn't expected to hear from her, and the sound of her voice made my heart ache. I missed her so much.

_Bella… it's Haven, Jake is about to come looking for you. You need to call us soon. I can only keep him calm for so long._ Jesus, Jake!

_BELLA, WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU??_ Okay, what the fuck is wrong with Jake, and then it hit me. He knew. He knew the Cullen's were back and he was trying to make sure that I was okay.

I deleted the last message and immediately called Jake's house.

"Hello," Jake was out of breath answering the phone.

"Jake…"

"Bella, Jesus you scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just went for a jog and forgot to take my phone, that's all, everything's fine."

"Bella, I have to tell you something." I could tell that he didn't want to tell me that the Cullen's were back, but he was trying to prepare me. I couldn't imagine how hard this was on him. He had known me for so long, and even loved me at one time. He watched as my world fell apart when the Cullen's left, and now he was wary to let it happen again.

"If it's about the Cullen's, Jake, I already know."

The line went quiet, and I worried that he might have hung up.

"Jake…"

"Yeah, I'm here. Have you seen _him_?" I couldn't miss the venom in his voice.

"Yes, I have, but…"

"But what, Bella? So is all forgiven?" He was furious.

"No, Jake, all is not forgiven, but what do you want me to say, that I'm not happy they're back? You know I can't say that. I also can't forget about the eight years they've been gone either…"

"You're damn right, and you shouldn't forget, Bella. I can't even believe that you would entertain the idea of having them in your life."

"Jake, I don't want to talk about this now. I just need some time…"

"So you don't want to talk with me about it, because you know I'll call you out on your shit. Bella, what are you thinking?"

"I said I don't want to talk about this right now, and I mean it. It's my life, Jake, and no matter how much you hate them for what happened; it doesn't change the fact that I need them in my life. It's just the way it is. I've got to go. I'll talk to you later." I hung up before he got another chance to say anything.

I went into the bathroom and started the shower. A shower would be just what the doctor ordered. I stepped into the warm stream and couldn't believe how tense my body was. I started to relax and wash myself, and when I got to my lady bits I was really sore. Thoughts of the night before flashed in my head and I couldn't help but smile. Edward and I had made love. It was amazing, and I hoped that it wouldn't be the last time we got to do it.

I was amazed at the fact that he hadn't stopped me. He held no restraint. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, and now my lady bits were paying the price, one I would gladly pay over and over again.

I finished my shower and dressed in some comfortable clothes so that I could run into town and do my grocery shopping.

I finished my shopping in an hour and made my way back home. No one called my cell again, and I was glad. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone today.

When I got home I quickly made myself something to eat and settled in to plan my lessons for the week.

At about nine o'clock I decided it was time to turn in so I was well rested for Monday. Not only would it be a busy school day, but I would see the Cullen's together for the first time in over eight years.

The next morning I could hear the rain steadily hitting the roof. I showered and dressed in a grey pencil skirt, white blouse that tied in a bow at the neck, and a pair of charcoal colored heels.

I threw on my rain coat and ran swiftly to my Jeep. The drive to school was uneventful, and when I pulled into the teacher's lot I was the first one there, and I was glad of that. It wasn't that I didn't like the other teachers', but I just wasn't feeling very sociable.

As the student's started to file into school, time started to fly swiftly by, and before I realized it the last bell was ringing. My classroom emptied out, and when I was finally alone there was a knock at my door. Mike Newton peeked his head in the door.

"Hey there, Bella, how was today?" Mike was the gym teacher at the high school, and had been overly friendly since I was hired. He apparently hadn't lost his determination from high school to get me to go on a date with him.

"Oh, it was fine, I'd like to stay and chat, Mike, but I have an appointment that I need to get to."

"Okay, I'll see you later." He turned and disappeared from the doorway. I was surprised how easy it was to get rid of him today. Normally he would talk my ear off and then walk me to my car. Thankfully he must have sensed that I wasn't in the mood for his antics and just left me alone.

I loaded my car with papers that I needed to grade and made my way home.

When I pulled in the driveway, Emmett was sitting on my front porch steps. I hadn't noticed his Jeep parked on the road when I pulled in and wondered what he was doing here.

"Hey, little sis, ready to go?"

"Ah, well yeah, but I figured that I would drive."

"Well, we kind of thought that today may be kind of difficult for you, so they sent me to get you." He was holding something back.

"Really, Emmett, why are you really here?"

"Alice had a vision that today would be hard on you, so she thought it would be better if someone drove you, that's all. I figured that I was the best option since we are already on speaking terms." He must have heard that I wouldn't talk to Edward, and I was thankful that he had come instead of anyone else.

"Let me take some things in the house and then we'll go."

He moved swiftly to my side, taking all of my things in his large arms and racing back to the front porch.

I opened the door, and directed him to set my things on the kitchen table. I would have to try and work on them a little bit when I got home.

"Okay, Emmett, I'm ready, let's go before I change my mind."


	10. Trepidation

**A/N Okay, it has been three weeks, and I officially suck, again. Between kids, birthdays, holidays, and just all that fun stuff, it has been so hard just to get anything done. Breath-of-twilight, you are the most awesome beta in all the universe. Thank for putting up with me. **

**The song for this chapter is Black Tables by Other Lives. **

**Please review, and thank you to all of you guys that continue to read. I appreciate it more than you know. **

**Also, I participatied in Breath-of-Twilight's Countdown to April Fools Day. You should go on over there and check them all out, lots of great authors and stories! My one-shot is now posted on my profile.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 10**

**Trepidation**

**EPOV**

It had been the longest thirty-two hours of my life. Watching her walk out of her bedroom and out the front door brought me to my knees. I just sat in the middle of her bed, naked for the longest time, trying to come to terms with what had just happened.

Bella and I had made love. We had connected in the most sacred of ways, and she just walked away. I understood why she needed to leave, but that didn't mean that I wasn't hurt by her actions. This was the first time that she had laid eyes on me in eight years, and I didn't want her to think that I had taken advantage of that fact. I, too, had given the only pure thing left that I had to give and I didn't want her to regret it. I had wanted her to spend the rest of the day blissful in my embrace, but I knew that was only a dream.

I didn't know how long I had sat there, but I knew Bella didn't want me there when she returned. I pulled on my pants and shirt, careful to clean up so that I left no trace of myself in her room.

Once I returned home I was careful to avoid everyone. I was in no mood to be confronted on last nights' events. Thankfully no one ended up being home. I made my way up to my room and found a note on my door from Alice letting me know that the whole family had went hunting in preparation for our family meeting with Bella.

I spent the rest of the day, and most of the evening, holed up in my room. I didn't want to change my clothes or shower because I wasn't ready to lose the scent of Bella that was lingering on my body. I had been away from her so long that the scent made me euphoric.

Some time in the early morning hours of Monday, Alice came into my room and patiently waited for me to acknowledge her, while blocking her thoughts from me.

"Alice?"

"Edward, I just wanted to see how you were doing? I tried not to look the other night, but… I just needed to know that you were okay? I think that sometimes the others forget that Bella isn't the only broken one." I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I knew that even if she wasn't psychic she could easily smell Bella on me.

I had asked Alice not to look into Bella's future once we left. I knew that it was going to be hard for her, but in the long run, I didn't want her to have that constant reminder springing up on her. It took a long time but eventually Alice understood and forgave me for leaving Bella. That also came with the realization that, as her best friend, she had inadvertently done the exact same thing that I had.

While my family blamed me for Bella's state, Alice shared it with me. I appreciated the fact that she wanted to look out for me, but I didn't deserve it. I had been the one that brought all this on. If I had just done what Bella wanted, none of this would have happened.

"Really, Alice, I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do or say, it all seems to be wrong. I know that I was wrong, I'm sorry, I just don't see a way to make this right with everyone." I lowered my head to my hands trying to block out my world as I now knew it.

"Edward, Bella loves you, and our family loves you, this is just something that we all have to try and get through. I think before you see her again that you should hunt. I'll go with you." Alice grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the door.

The house was still quiet, and I couldn't help but feel like everyone knew about Bella and me, and now they were avoiding me. As if Alice could hear my thoughts she responded, "They don't know what happened, I didn't tell them, and since they haven't seen you they assumed that you had already spoken with Bella. They just wanted to give you some space in case it didn't go in your favor."

Ahh, now I understood. They thought for sure that she had not forgiven me so they were letting me mourn by myself.

We darted into the forest. I didn't stop until we were at least ten miles from home. I caught the scent of a mountain lion and swiftly took him down. Alice perched herself on a large rock just watching me.

After I disposed of the remains I joined Alice, and we sat there for what could have been hours, minutes, seconds, I wasn't sure.

"I've tried to see what's going to happen, but I just can't. No one has made any decisions. All I keep seeing is Bella come through the front door and then nothing. I just wish I knew what she was thinking."

I laughed, "That makes two of us."

With a small smile on her face she glanced at me. This was so awful; I hated seeing Alice this way. She lost someone special to her, a best friend and sister, now she wasn't even sure whether or not they could ever be friends again.

"Look, Alice, if it comes down to it, and she wants you all back in her life, but not me… I'll leave, for good this time." Alice looked at me with panic in her eyes. I held my hand up to stop her from saying anything, but she shoved my arm out of the way.

"Edward, you can't leave us again, you just can't. I mean, it's one thing to take a break, but you can't mean that you would never see us again."

"That's exactly what I mean. Alice, you don't hear what they think. Most of them try to hide it, but then some don't, but for the most part they won't ever forgive me over this if Bella doesn't. I don't want to live my eternity being resented. I would rather be alone than live with that. Everything hinges on Bella, like it has for the last eight years. I can't tell you exactly what's going to happen until I know what Bella's decision is."

She sat there quietly, trying desperately to figure a way to salvage our family. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess, and I hated that I continually caused her frustration. I didn't want to do that anymore. I just wanted to accept my fate and move forward.

We sat there quiet for awhile, and when the sun started to set Alice looked at me and said, "We need to get back, she'll be arriving any minute with Emmett."

"What do you mean she'll be arriving with Emmett?" Why in the hell was she with him?

"Since I couldn't tell what was going to happen, I asked Emmett if he wouldn't mind picking her up, just claiming I'd had a vision. Edward, whether I know what is going to happen or not, tonight is going to be poignant for all of us. Bella may decide that she's too emotional to stay, and I don't think that any of us would be willing to let her drive if that were the case. Emmett was the likely choice, since she's had the most contact with him."

"I understand, old habits die hard, and maybe things will go better than we expect." I didn't sound very convincing, so I turned and ran for the house so that I didn't have to continue this conversation.

We entered the house through the back door. Everyone was gathered in the living room. Everyone's thoughts were full of questions and excitement to finally see Bella after all these years. They were curious of what kind of woman that she had turned into, and I couldn't help but feel the same way. I just wanted to know everything about this knew Bella, my Bella. Whether she wanted me or not, she would always be my entire existence, and I would never love anything like I loved her. That would never change, even if she hated me.

All thought immediately ceased when the door clicked open and Emmett was the only one that walked in. He smiled a meek smile at us and said, "She wanted a minute before she came in, but when she does come in it would probably be best if we all weren't standing directly in front of the door."

"Yes, of course. I think we are all just a little excited to see her," Carlisle exclaimed.

Everyone started to move to the chairs and couches in the living room. We sat there still as statues, listening to her heartbeat outside in Emmett's Jeep. It was fluttering fast like a butterflies wings, and we could hear her breathing fast like she was having a panic attack. It took her several minutes to calm her down enough just to open the car door, and then we could hear her heels clack on the ground. Her heart sped up as she slowly stepped towards the house. Emmett immediately rose and went outside to make sure that she didn't need his support.

I could clearly see her through Emmett's thought, and she was stunning. So different yet so familiar at the same time, her features were so much more mature. The experiences that she had gone through she seemed to wear on her shoulder, and her eyes had a hardness that I had not previously seen the prior night. I wished that I had been here to shoulder all of the things that she had gone through, but I had a distinct feeling that I was the cause of most of them.

Bella grabbed Emmett's arm for support and made her way up the stairs. Slowly, almost painstakingly, she took one step at a time, and her heart sounded like it would pound right out of her chest.

My family was riveted to the open doorway, and when Emmett and Bella finally came into view, I could hear Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Rose gasp. They were all stunned at the beautiful creature that was standing in front of them. Emmett, Jasper, and I had already had this reaction, but it still didn't stop us from appreciating Bella as a gorgeous woman.

Bella's eyes scanned the familiar faces of the people she had once called family, and I could see the tears welling in her eyes. She had yet to make eye contact with me, and I hoped that she just wasn't completely ignoring my presence in the room.

Esme started to step forward and Carlisle put out a hand to stop her. She disregarded his warning and moved slowly toward Bella. Before we could gage her reaction, Bella launched herself into Esme's embrace and burst into tears. The two women stood in each others' embrace, and I could hear Esme's tearless sobs.

We all stood watching and waiting for them for an immeasurable amount of time when Bella slowly pulled away from Esme. She smiled meekly and then looked around at all of our faces.

Alice was the first one to break the silence, "Bella…"

Bella looked at Alice and the tears started to flow freely now, "Hey, Alice, I've missed you."

Alice looked as though she might fall apart from Bella's statement, and then moved to stand directly in front of Bella to gauge her reaction to Alice's sudden closeness. When Bella didn't move, Alice threw her arms around Bella's shoulders and sobbed.

"God, Bella, I missed you so much. Please, please, please don't hate me," Alice pleaded.

Bella leaned away from Alice without removing herself from Alice's grasp, "Alice I could never hate you. I've missed you too much."

Both girls immediately started sobbing again, holding onto each other like each other life line.

I held my breath as Jasper walked towards Alice and Bella. I knew he wouldn't do anything to Bella, but after the last time that we were all together, I couldn't seem to shake the trepidation that wracked through my mind.

_Don't worry little brother. I couldn't hurt Bella if I wanted to. I have it under control._

Jasper moved next to Alice, and when Bella looked up Jasper embraced both girls.

"Hey, Jasper, long time no see." Bella smiled up at Jasper and laid her head on his shoulder.

I stood in the corner of the room and watched the exchange, jealousy radiating off of me in waves. Jasper glanced at me, sincerely apologetic for being so close to Bella.

Bella pulled away from Jasper and looked at Rose.

"Rosalie," Bella said, nodding a greeting at Rose, clearly not comfortable enough to approach her.

Rose didn't wait for an invitation, but walked right up to Bella and embraced her. Bella was clearly shocked but wrapped her arms around Rose and squeezed her back.

"We really missed you, Bella." I couldn't see Rose's expression, but the shock on Bella's face was priceless.

"Me, too, Rosalie, me, too," Bella said.

The girls separated and Bella looked to Carlisle and smiled. Carlisle walked towards Bella and wrapped her in his fatherly embrace. He had missed her for so many reasons, but at the forefront of his mind was that fact that this was the love of his first child's existence and he just wanted to make everything better.

"Bella, it's so nice to see you again. I know I speak for the rest of us when I say that we have missed you terribly."

"Thank you, Carlisle. For what it's worth, I've missed all of you terribly, as well," Bella said, smiling but not letting it reach her eyes.

Bella hesitantly pulled away from Carlisle, and looked toward me.

"Edward."

"Bella."

Without saying another word to me, Bella turned away from me and sucked in a deep breath, closed her eyes and exhaled.

"So… thank you for being patient with me, I just needed a little time to wrap my head around the fact that you guys have come back before I could actually meet with you. It's just… I… it's just been a long time… and a lot…" Bella couldn't even finish her sentence without tears trailing down her cheeks and sputtering in between, trying to catch her breath.

_She's starting to panic._

Jasper immediately moved next to Bella and guided her to the chair in the corner of the room. She slumped into the chair and buried her face in her hands.

"I had hoped I would be able to keep it together. I just hadn't planned on how I would actually feel seeing you all together again," she whispered still hiding her face.

"Bella, we are so…" Carlisle started, but Bella's head snapped up and she raised her hand for him to stop.

"I know, you're all very sorry, but really, did you honestly think that if you came back and said sorry that would make it all better?"


	11. Honesty

**A/N So it's been three long weeks, and again I cannot apologize enough. I try really hard to be consistent. So here is the visit with the Cullen's. I hope that it doesn't disappoint, but in the end, what needed to be said has been said, and now we can move forward. **

**Thank you to my dear sweet beta Breath-of-twilight. She puts up with my crap and makes me better. Thank you to smokefairy and mighty-moo who gave me their opinions honestly. I really appreciate your support. And to my wonderful readers. Without you I would lack a lot of confidence, and that is invaluable. **

**Now I would love to get feed back from my lovely readers. What you guys think, means so much to me. How am I going to know if I suck if you don't tell me. :)**

**The song for this chapter is Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 11

Honesty

BPOV

When I saw the Cullen's house show through the trees, I started to feel like I was going to hyperventilate.

"You okay, Bella? Do you want me to pull over?" Emmett asked.

"No… I'll be fine, just keep going." I hadn't anticipated being this anxious, but after the last few days of my life what did I honestly expect? So many things had happened in such a short period of time.

As we approached the house, my chest began to constrict, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Emmett kept glancing at me from the corner of his eye, obviously checking to make sure I was indeed fine.

The car came to a stop, and I looked up at the big white house. It looked exactly as it had the last day that I had been here. I felt a little sick inside, knowing what and who was in there waiting for me. Ultimately though, I needed to confront the Cullen's. I needed to be able to say all the things that I couldn't say over the last eight years. I wouldn't be able to move forward until I purged myself of all those feelings.

"Are you ready?" Emmett asked.

"Can you just give me a minute?" I just wanted to pull myself together, as best as I could, before facing the people that broke me.

Emmett just nodded his head and made his way towards the house.

Once I was alone, the panic started to settle in. It took me a few minutes to get myself under control. I wanted them back in my life, and this was the moment that that would come to fruition. I just kept repeating it, and with that thought clearly in the forefront of my mind, I opened the door and stepped out of the car. I smoothed out my skirt and concentrated on taking one step at a time.

The house seemed to grow larger with every step, and the panic rose yet again, coursing through my veins rapidly. My feet stopped at the bottom of the front porch steps. I looked up to find Emmett coming down the stairs to meet me, but I found myself wishing that it was Edward. The realization that things may never be the same, or the way I wanted them to be, was a very hard notion to accept.

I grabbed Emmett's arm and we slowly made our way up the stairs. My feet felt like they weighed a hundred pounds apiece. As we stepped into the open doorway, I was shocked back to reality by the collective gasps of the Cullens'.

I looked back at the seven pairs of golden eyes staring at me, and I was overcome with emotion.

I saw Esme move towards me, and Carlisle moved to stop her. Without a second thought I ran to her and threw myself into her loving embrace.

I had not been close with my mother for a very long time now, and I sorely missed having motherly contact. Esme had always felt like a mother to me, and to just be in her presence made me ache inside.

After that, one Cullen after the other lovingly greeted me. Alice, who I may have missed the most next to Edward, seemed to miss me just as much as I had missed her.

Jasper nervously approached us next. Obviously gauging my emotions to make sure he wasn't scaring me. When he embraced Alice and me, I felt like what happened when we had last seen each other was washed away. I was pleasantly surprised and wanted to make sure that I could tell him that I was never angry with him for what happened.

Rosalie cautiously approached us next, and her reaction completely surprised me. She walked right up and hugged me so tightly that I wondered what had changed her feelings for me. When she told me that she missed me, it not only shocked me to my core, but made me feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time.

Seeing Carlisle was harder than I had anticipated. I missed Charlie, and Carlisle only served as a reminder of what I no longer had… a father. I had missed Carlisle, a lot, but I couldn't allow myself a completely happy reunion. Feeling like I was somehow betraying Charlie with my love for Carlisle.

Edward was the last to greet me, and I wanted nothing more than to run to him and throw myself in his arms. When he left, he said that he didn't want me to come with him, and that I wasn't good enough. The other night proved that he still had feelings, but I wasn't ready to discuss that with him just yet. It was easier to feign indifference than to confront what was really raging inside of me. So I did the only thing that I could, I turned away.

"So… thank you for being patient with me. I needed a little time to wrap my head around the fact that you have come back before I could actually meet with all of you. It's just… I… it's just been a long time… and a lot…" Tears started to trickle down my cheeks, and I could feel the sobs building in my chest.

Panic started to constrict my body, and it felt like I might lose control when Jasper moved to help me sit down. I was so ashamed that I could barely speak, so I buried my face in my hands. I didn't want to face them while I was weak, but realistically, I had been weak for a very long time now.

"I had hoped I would be able to keep it together. I just hadn't planned on how I would actually feel seeing you all together again," I couldn't lift my head to meet their eyes.

"Bella, we are so…" Carlisle started to say something but I immediately cut him off.

"I know, you're all very sorry, but really, did you honestly think that if you came back and said sorry, that would make it all better?"

To say that they were all shocked would be an understatement. They were all rendered absolutely speechless.

"Listen… when you all left, the world as I knew it ended. Everything that I ever wanted walked away from me, including the family that I had grown to love as my own. There is no amount of apologies that can make that right." It was the cold hard truth. Sorry wasn't going to fix the gaping hole in my chest, or the mess my life had turned out to be.

"We want to hear about all of it, Bella. What has happened these last eight years? I know that there are probably many things you would like to say to us, and we want to give you this opportunity to say whatever you need to say to all of us," Carlisle urged.

I wanted to tell them everything, because their actions had defined me, and made me the person I was today. They needed to know the consequences of their actions in order for any of us to move forward. If moving forward with me in their life was what they wanted.

"Hard… things have been very… hard. I try and take it one day at a time but…"

"Bella, just tell us how it was? Don't leave out information because you're afraid to hurt our feelings. We need to know what I did to you… I need to know," Edward interrupted.

"Edward, what _exactly_ do you want to hear? That after the love of my life told me that I wasn't good for him, and walked away from me, that I got lost in the woods frantically trying to find him. I was missing for most of that night when Sam Uley found me nearly comatose in the bushes.

"I was not only devastated but in shock. I couldn't figure out what I had done for you to treat me that way. I withdrew from everyone and everything.

"Charlie was so worried about my behavior that he called my mom to come and take me back to Florida. When she showed up, I vehemently refused to leave. Charlie was at the end of his rope and he just didn't know what to do with me anymore. Between the nightmares and the total withdrawal from everything…I really scared him." My voice had gotten louder as the familiar unwelcome feelings coursed through my body. When I talked about Charlie, sadness overcame me again, his loss having punched yet another hole in my soul.

"What nightmares, Bella?" Esme asked, concern evident in her voice

"I've had the same nightmare every single night since _that_ night. They always start out the same… Edward leaves, but other things happen when I'm alone. I usually wake up screaming… sobbing… disoriented." No one could look at me, clearly upset by this admission.

"The screaming kept Charlie up most nights. He was always by my side trying to help me the only way he knew how, by being there for me, not abandoning me." That was a low blow, but it was the truth. Charlie never abandoned me. He supported me until the end. I couldn't help but glance at Edward when I said this. He was looking at his hands, still as a statue.

"I eventually came to the realization that you all were never coming back. I also realized that I was causing Charlie so much pain… too much pain… and I just couldn't do that to him anymore. I tried to put on a brave face every day, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never leave the house." I noticed that Edward was now looking at me. I took this opportunity to look directly into his eyes and said, "That's what your loss did to me. It made me want to fade away. You took everything when you left, the air I breathe… gone. I don't think you fully understood the repercussions of your actions."

That was the first time that I had looked into his eyes and spoken directly to him, and had him acknowledge me. I just wanted him to know. I just needed him to understand, so that all the pain inflicted on me and my loved ones weren't for nothing.

"I tried to maintain my friendships with the people at school, but… they just didn't understand, no… they couldn't comprehend what I was going through. From the outside it looked like I had just suffered a bad breakup. After a few months, Angela and Ben were all that I had left, and really, that was okay with me.

"I focused completely on my studies and managed to get a full ride scholarship to the University of Washington. I continued to study hard, opting not to have the typical college experience. I came home as much as I could to see Charlie…" I knew that the next part was going to be the hardest part of this conversation.

"On the night of my twenty-first birthday, I was waiting for Charlie to come home and celebrate with me. A drunk driver lost control around a corner and hit Charlie while he had someone pulled over. I rushed to the hospital… I held his hand as he died…"

Everyone was stone silent. Fat tears started to roll down my cheeks, and lowered my head so that I couldn't see any of them. I sagged, defeated, sobbing, and no longer really caring about what I told the Cullen's. It wasn't going to matter in the long run. It wasn't going to make Charlie come back, and it certainly was going to get me back the last eight years of my life.

"Bella… what can we do?" Esme asked quietly.

"Nothing… really… I guess I just want to know that since I have almost nothing left, maybe I could at least have your friendship back… all of you," I said, looking from one familiar face to the other.

"I've held onto so many bitter and angry feelings for so long. I guess I just really never realized what kind of toll that was going to take on the people that loved me," I said sniffing, losing myself in thought and looking out the living room windows. It had started to rain and the fog was starting to settle in the trees making it look later in the evening than it really was.

"This is my fault… everything. From the moment I chose to get close to you, to the day that I left… The reason that my family left and stayed away from you… God, how could I not have seen what this was going to do? The repercussions of my actions... I guess I just wanted to believe that you would move on. You were always too good for me, Bella," Edward said quietly, but I knew that I wasn't the only one meant to hear him.

"Damn right she is," Emmett grumbled under his breath.

"Emmett, you don't have to stick up for me, but thank you." I really meant it. I was just so tired of being… anything. I felt drained of my emotions. I hadn't even noticed that Edward had moved to kneel in front of me.

"No, Emmett's right. You were always too good for me. I think I really took for granted the fact that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I should have given you a choice. That's the way a relationship should work. I want you to know, Bella, I lied. I lied to my family about what I said to you, so they would leave with me. If I hadn't, they never would have agreed to leave you. I can never express how sorry I am to all of you, but most of all to you, Bella," Edward said, looking up at me, his golden eyes boring into my soul. With that last declaration, Edward stood, looking down at me with sad eyes, then turned and left the room.

I watched as he walked away, panic rising in my throat. Alice was immediately at my side.

"He didn't leave, Bella. He just wanted to give you some time. When you're ready, he'll come back. I promise you, Bella, he won't make the same mistake twice." I hadn't noticed that I had nearly crawled in her lap, and Alice had her arms wrapped around me. I broke apart and she comforted me. My best friend that I thought I would never see again. I had missed her so much, in so many ways.

One by one I could feel hands on me… my arm… hands… head… shoulder… neck… I slowly raised my head to look at the people around me. All the Cullen's, except for Edward, were gathered around me in a protective huddle. If they had had the ability to cry, I think there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the room.

"Thank you for allowing me to get all of this off my chest. It's been pent up for so long. It's kind of freeing to actually purge these feelings. I just want us all to try and be friends again, if you can find some way to be a part of my life," I said quietly.

"Of course, Bella, we wouldn't have come back if we didn't want to be a part of your life," Carlisle said.

I just nodded my head. We all sat there for what seemed like hours, sitting in the same position. I took comfort in their closeness.

"Alice, would you mind taking me home?" I asked. I was drained. I didn't have any energy left to continue any more conversations. I knew that I would still need to talk with Edward, but that could wait. If I was going to make it to school in the morning, I needed to get home.

"Sure, Bella, what would you…"

"Tell Edward that I'll call him tomorrow," I said, effectively cutting her off.

I slowly got to my feet and turned to face the Cullen's. They all stood motionless staring back at me. Before my brain could catch up to my physical reaction, I had walked to Jasper and hugged him tightly. I then moved to each one, embracing them like my life depended on it.

After promising that I would be back soon, Alice left to deliver my message to Edward.

I walked outside and climbed back into Emmett's Jeep. Worrying and hoping that I would be able to keep it together once I was alone. I looked back at the house, and thought I had seen Edward in one of the upstairs windows. As soon as I had made eye contact, he disappeared again, somewhere in the depths of his beautiful home.


	12. Distress

**A/N I just wanted to start off by thanking my readers. You guys are so freakin' awesome for waiting so patiently for me. I have been working on some other stories as well and hope that I have some new stuff up soon. **

**I also want to thank my beta, Breath-of-Twilight, I love ya, you're awesome.**

**Please review, I would love to hear where you think I'm going with this, or just what you think of the story so far. What you guys think, means so much to me. **

**The song for this chapter is Which Way Your Heart Will Go by Mason Jennings.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 12**

**Distress**

**EPOV**

I had never felt as helpless in my entire existence as I had, sitting idly by, while the love of my life recounted the pain that I had caused. I tried as best as I could to tune out my family members. The disappointment and anger mixed throughout their thoughts was to be expected, but at the moment, it was the least important thing on my mind.

Bella had come to us, and literally bared her soul. I had never seen her so strong in all the time I had known her. This new, post break up, Bella was a force to be reckoned with, and I wasn't sure where or if I was going to fit into her new life. She had mentioned maintaining a friendship with us, but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to keep myself at her arms length.

When all was said and done, I loved her more than anything that this world had provided me. I would have gladly given up everything for her to take me back, but I was slowly realizing that it was going to take immense effort on my part.

I had never truly believed that it was going to be easy coming back. I was actually more worried that I had done irreparable damage to our relationship, and once Bella saw me again, would clearly choose her life over mine. I had hoped in my heart of hearts, though, that she would know that I had lied to her. I had known that her self worth was very low, and that she had always felt like she wasn't good enough for me. What a joke. If anything, I was the one not worthy of her.

Listening to the words flow from her mouth was slow and torturous. I was shocked to hear that she had not moved on once. I knew the thoughts of the boys at Forks High. There wasn't a boy there, with the exception of Ben, that couldn't wait until I was out of the way so they could have a chance with Bella. I had underestimated her feelings for me. It was a mistake I wouldn't make twice.

When I decided to leave the room, I was bombarded with thoughts from all directions. I wasn't helping Bella by remaining in the conversation, so no matter what anyone thought of me, I was going to give her time and space. I had apparently not thought that through either, because I could hear Alice comforting Bella, telling her that I wasn't going to leave again. That broke my heart a little bit more. She couldn't even trust that I was back for her, for good.

I wracked my brain, trying desperately to figure out a way that I could make this better for her, but I was at a loss. I stepped towards the upstairs windows, looking out at the driveway. So many things were exactly the same about being home in Forks, but the most important element, Bella, had changed immeasurably. As if my thoughts had somehow summoned her from the house, Bella and Alice walked into view. Emmett's Jeep was still sitting in the driveway, and Bella climbed inside. Alice glanced up at me, and then back towards Bella.

_In case you weren't listening, Bella wants you to call her tomorrow. I won't forget to get the number for you. She just needs to process what's going on, Edward. She's resolved to have ALL of us in her life. You are included in that, don't forget that. We'll talk if you want when I get home._

I nodded, and the next moment, Bella looked right at me. I swiftly moved away from the windows. I was a coward. Fearing that she would not let me back into her life, I couldn't look her in the eyes.

I could sense Carlisle approaching.

_Son, can I talk to you?_

I turned and followed him into his office.

"Listen, Carlisle, if you just want to chastise me for what I've done to Bella…"

"You should know, more so than anyone else, that that is not why I wanted to speak with you." Truthfully, I had been blocking out my families thoughts, Carlisle's included. His opinion meant the most, and I just didn't think that I could deal with his disappointment on top of everything else.

_Edward, look at me._

I slowly made eye contact with him and his features softened.

"That's better, son, have you not been paying attention to what I've been thinking?" Carlisle asked.

"Actually, Carlisle, I haven't. I couldn't take all the hostility, no matter how much of it I deserve. I'm desperately trying to figure out how to get my life back." I knew that I didn't need to explain myself, but Carlisle was truly my father. I was his first child. We shared a bond that no one else in our family ever would. He knew me better then I knew myself. I had put him through hell and back because of my actions over the years. No matter what my offense, he always let me speak my peace and accepted me, faults and all.

"Edward, I can imagine what that was like for you. I just wanted to you to know that I understand, every last thing you did, I understand. You and I are more alike than I have ever let you know. I, too, in your shoes, would probably have made _most_ of the same choices that you made. Esme is the air that I breathe, much like Bella is yours. I actually wanted to talk to you about what your plans are."

I tried to hide my shock, but was unsuccessful. "Well… I really didn't have a plan as of yet. I'm just honoring her wishes that I give her a little bit of space, so she can decide what she wants."

"I guess that's what you need to do then. But, Edward, if it comes down to it, and she makes the wrong decision, are you prepared to fight for her?"

My mouth dropped open, shock apparent on my face. Carlisle had just implied that if Bella didn't choose me, then she was making the wrong choice.

"Edward, despite what both of you seem to think, you were made for each other. The tragedy of it is if you were not immortal, there would have been a chance that you would never have met your respective soul mates. You both have a second chance, which is more than most are afforded. You forget that I know you so well. From the first moment I watched you two together, I knew. Neither of you can deny the love that flows between the two of you.

"I realize that the way you handled our departure was not favorable, for either of you, but, could either of you live without the other. I know what your answer is. Bella just needs to be shown her answer. Do you understand what I mean? I do not want you to think that I discount Bella's feelings. You know I love her as if she was my own child. I just know that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't be as hurt as she is."

Everything that Carlisle said was true. Although, I was quite shocked at his candor, it made me feel quite a bit more at ease in the situation. I would fight for Bella without overstepping her boundaries. I would show her that I was the best and only choice for her. Now I just had to figure out how to do that.

"Thank you, Carlisle. I know that I can be a colossal ass sometimes. I act on impulse, and I get caught up in doing what I think is right. I realize now that unless I change, I can never expect a different result." I felt a new resolve. I would change, and I would get Bella back.

"It's like watching a bird take its first flight…" Carlisle joked. I nodded at him, and turned and left the house.

After my conversation with Carlisle, I just wanted to be alone. I really needed to reanalyze every memory I had of Bella, and how I had handled every situation. It was already dark out, and there were very few people out at this time of night. I had an overwhelming feeling to revisit my past, so imagine my surprise when I stopped directly outside of our old biology lab. This was where I first met Bella, possibly one of the most important places in our history. Where we spent time together while we got to know one another, and I fell in love for the first time in over one hundred years with the girl from Phoenix.

I wandered around the school wondering which classroom would be Bella's now. I bet she was a wonderful teacher. I could almost see her passionately talking about her favorite novels and sharing her love of her favorite subject.

Bella had yet to divulge any information to me about her current life, but I had picked up bits and pieces from Emmett and Angela. Undoubtedly, Alice would have more information for me, as well, when I arrived home. The prospect of a having more pieces to my Bella puzzle brought me happiness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was seeing little windows into Bella's life, and that even though insignificant, it made me feel like a part of her life.

I kept wandering and found myself in the parking lot, standing exactly where Bella's truck was on the first day that I almost lost her. There were a few other times; when James tracked her to Phoenix, and when Jasper nearly attacked her on her birthday, but this incident was the hardest on me. I almost lost her before I even had her, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself had she been killed. That was all before I really knew what Bella actually meant to me.

I lost myself, so deep in thought that I started to run. I ran far and fast until I found myself in the field we used to play baseball in. The last time that I had found myself here, it was under very different circumstances. James, Victoria, and Laurent had walked into our lives, and the world that I had finally come to love was tilted on its axis.

After James had been dispatched, Victoria and Laurent seemingly disappeared. I was surprised that Victoria could so easily be driven away. It seemed out of character for her not to seek vengeance after we killed her mate.

Several months after we left, I had run into Victoria again. I was not with my family, they had gone to Alaska and were surprised to find that Laurent had indeed gone to Denali and was living comfortably with our extended family. He had informed them that Victoria was just biding her time until I went back, so that she could get revenge on both Bella and I. Considering that that wasn't going to be an option, I didn't want to give her the opportunity to get to Bella.

Armed with information from Laurent on Victoria's whereabouts, I went in search of a fight that I hadn't been able to finish. I caught up with her near the Canadian border, and she was shocked to see me. It didn't take long before she was on me, pain evident in her movements. I understood that part of Victoria. I knew what it was like to be missing your other half, your mate. She could live out her existence, but she would never love another like she loved James.

The fight did not last long, Victoria eventually losing the will to fight back. I stood before her, looking into her blood red eyes, as I mercifully ended her life. Had I left her alive, her bloodlust would plague the world. She no longer had someone to keep her balanced. In the end, I could see the pleading in her eyes. She wanted it to end. She wanted to be with James, wherever that may have been.

I contemplated where I would be if it been me instead of Victoria. I felt sick at the thought that I would have ever left Bella alone. I just wanted her to be safe and happy, and I now realized that I was tied to her happiness and much as she was tied to mine. If anything ever happened to her, that would be it. I would find a way to be with Bella in her afterlife, even if it took me hundreds of lifetimes to atone for my sins.

A light buzzing in my pocket brought me back to reality. I glanced at the screen on my phone, and a number that I didn't recognize flashed across the screen. I almost didn't answer it but after the fourth ring I was curious. Pressing the little green button, I slowly brought the phone to my ear. I could hear someone sniffling on the other end.

"Bella?" I asked, hoping that it was her. I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I hoped that it really was her and not a wrong number.

"Yeah… Edward… can you please… _sniff…_ can you please come over… _sniff… _to the house." She could barely hold it together to form coherent sentences. My chest constricted and I wondered what I had done to upset her. It seemed, since my return, that she had been in a continual state of distress.

"I can be there in a few minutes, is that okay?" I was already flying through the forest as fast as my body could move.

"Yes… _sniff_… just please… hurry." The phone went dead, and I jammed it into my pocket, pressing my limits to get to Bella.

It took me ten minutes before I was standing on her front porch again, but this time I had been asked, and I was expected. I hesitated at the front door, hearing her sobbing inside. I wasn't sure what was expected of me and whether or not she would want comfort or not. I ached to hold her, but I would never do it again without her permission.

I quietly knocked on the door, and a few seconds later the door flung open and Bella stood directly in front of me. She was wearing the same clothes that she had on at our house. Her hair was stringy and wet around her red, tear streaked face. Without any words she flew through the doorway and wrapped her arms around me, sobbing into my chest. I scooped her up, entering the house and kicked the door shut behind me. I sat down on the couch, and Bella immediately curled into my chest.

Her sobs turned into hysterics and my anxiety at the situation grew exponentially. I wanted to ask her what had happened to upset her, but thought better of it. For all I knew it was my fault, so I quietly waited.

After nearly an hour, Bella had finally calmed down enough that she could breathe evenly and her tears were no longer streaming down her face.

"Bella…" my voice sounded awkward piercing through the silence.

"Jacob was here when I got back with Alice. He was furious with me," she said in a low voice.

"Did he do something to you? Did he hurt you in any way?" I immediately tensed. Jacob was one of her closest friends, and for her sake, I did not want to have to confront him.

"My feelings, but that's all. He figured that I had forgiven all of you and he was so upset with me. Edward… he knows exactly what your leaving did to me. He doesn't trust any of you, and he knows that you're going to do it again. Even though… you… left me, I can't help it… I… need you." She hid her face from me, and if I didn't have exceptional hearing I would have missed that last part.

"Bella, I know that I have not given you any reasons to trust me, but I will never hurt you like that again. Ever."

"Just because I need you, does not mean that you're forgiven. It's going to take a lot of time for me, Edward. I need you, though. If you'll have me in your life, then I'll take what I can get. God… Jake would be so pissed to hear me say that. He'd say that I was rolling over and letting you control me. He just doesn't understand. He just doesn't know what you mean to me… no one does."

It was quiet again, both of us just trying to absorb what she had said. I wanted to talk to her more, but I knew that it wasn't a good time to put everything out on the table. I would settle for the fact that she needed me, and when she was ready, I would tell her anything, give her anything.


	13. Rage

**A/N Sorry that it has taken me so long. Real life just seems to consume a lot of my time lately. **

**WOW, so much has happened in the last couple of weeks and I have so many people to thank this week. **

**First, my beta Breath-of-Twilight. I love her dearly, she is awesome. Thanks for making me better :)**

**Second, the girls over at Twi-ficpromotions. They featured my story on June 1st and I am so grateful. Laura gave an amazing review and I really appreciate it. My confidence level has definitely increased.**

**Third, my pre-readers, Smoke Fairy and iharkcom, thanks girls.**

**Last, but definitely not least, coldplaywhore. You are so freakin' awesome I can't even count the ways. You have helped me and even went out and recommended me. Thank you.**

**The song for this chapter is The Scientist by Coldplay.**

******Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 13

**Rage**

**BPOV**

As soon as Alice and I left the Cullen's, my thoughts were a jumbled mess. I wanted so badly to run back into that house and throw myself into Edward's arms, just so that I could forget all that had happened. Spending time with the Cullen's was bittersweet. On the one hand, it was everything I had wanted for eight years. On the other hand, what was I supposed to do, and where was I supposed to go from here.

I was having such an internal debate with myself that I hadn't even noticed when we pulled up in front of my house. I noticed Haven's car parked directly in front of us, and my stomach dropped.

Jake and Haven were standing at the bottom of my front porch steps. Both of them seemed to be frozen in place and staring directly back at me and Alice.

"Bella… I can't see what's going to happen. I would imagine that that has something to do with Jacob, but I can't be sure. I don't want to let you out of this car if I have to worry that he'll hurt you." I didn't want to fight her about this, and something inside told me that if Alice got in between Jacob and me it would get ugly.

"Listen, Alice, Jake wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. Let me just go see what's going on before you leave."

Without listening to her worry further, I climbed out of the Jeep and made my way over to where they stood. Jake was breathing heavily, standing in only a pair of cut off shorts and tennis shoes. Haven's face was void of all color and she couldn't seem to tear her gaze away from where Alice was sitting in the Jeep.

"What's up, guys? What are you doing here?" I just wanted to hurry up and diffuse the awkwardness going on so that I could go inside and lay down.

"Looks like I should be asking you the same thing," Jake sneered. He had yet to actually look at me, instead keeping his stare fixed on Alice.

It would be ignorant of me to think that Jake would ever accept any of the Cullen's. After Edward departure, there would never be hope of that.

"Jake… look, let me talk to Alice for just a second and then we can talk." Without waiting for his reply, I quickly ran back to Alice.

"Alice, thank you for bringing me home, I really appreciate it. I really need to speak to Jake. So, I'll talk to you later, and we'll plan to go do something soon." I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I just wanted to find out what Jake wanted without hurting anyone's feelings.

"Bella… here… at least let me give you our phone numbers in case you need anything. You just have to promise me that you will call if you need anything. It's just… we just got you back." Her voice trailed off. I handed her my phone and watched as she programmed a few phone numbers into my contacts.

"I'm okay, Alice, really I am. Just go, and I promise I'll call you if I need you for anything." I smiled, trying to reassure her. This was not the way I wanted things to be. I didn't have expectations, but I failed to see how the Cullen's return would affect all the facets of my life.

"Bella, I don't like this at all. Jacob looks furious, and what if something happens and I'm not here to help protect you…"

"You really think that I would hurt her. I would never hurt a hair on Bella's head, unlike you," Jake yelled.

"STOP… both of you, just stop. Alice, go… I'm a big girl, and I've managed by myself long enough without having anyone's help." She sat there for another second and then peeled away from the curb, disappearing down the road.

"What the hell's this about, Jake?" I asked as I approached them again.

"I don't know, BELLA, why don't YOU tell ME! I come here to check on MY friend, because I know that things can't be easy for YOU right now. Then, WE show up, YOU'RE not here, and then YOU pull up with HER! So, tell ME, BELLA, what the hell were YOU doing?" Jacob screamed.

I could see the rage mounting inside of him, and I wondered when he would explode. Haven's eyes kept darting between the two of us. I knew she knew some of the situation regarding Jacob and the wolves, but honestly, I wasn't sure how much. From the look on her face, she at least knew about the Cullen's. In eight years, I was sure they had told her my story. It affected the Quileute's, so naturally she would be informed at some point. Especially since the Cullen's were back.

"Jake, calm down…"

"Calm Down! CALM DOWN! HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN YOU TOOK _THEM_ BACK! HOW COULD YOU? _THEY_ MIGHT AS WELL HAVE KILLED YOU, AND YOU JUST WELCOME _THEM_ BACK!" Jake seethed.

"I don't know what you want from me, Jake. I know just as well as you do what happened. But it's always been him, always. It's not like I just accepted them back with open arms. They have…"

Jake immediately cut me off, "OF COURSE, OF COURSE, _YOU_ WOULD PICK _YOUR_ PRECIOUS CULLEN'S OVER YOUR _REAL_ FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I GUESS EVEN OVER CHARLIE, EVEN AFTER ALL HE DID FOR _YOU_!"

"Stop this shit, RIGHT NOW, JACOB! You know that I loved Charlie; he was MY FATHER, GOD DAMMIT! DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT I DIDN'T love him." Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I anticipated Jake being upset, unreasonable even, but I never expected this.

Jake and I faced each other in a stand off, both shaking and furious. Haven stood off to the side and watched the exchange, clearly not wanting to get involved. She reached a hand toward Jake, and he moved only slightly into her. It was moments like this one, that seemed so intimate, that always made me feel like the third wheel.

"It's just so easy for you, isn't it, Jake? Everything is so black and white, no gray area. You know how the Cullen's are, and you know that they are not like the rest. Yet, you still insist on putting them in the same category. See, they are the gray area. _I_ am in that gray area. Did you really think that if he ever wanted me back, that I would honestly pass him up?

"I know that pisses you off, but think about this Jake, he is to me what Haven is to you. I have no other explanation. I may not be able to instantaneously forgive him, but if he wants me in any way, then I want him. He is my air, Jake. You saw first hand what happened when he left me, do you actually think that I don't remember that. I live it every day… every single day of my life, and I have missed him."

Jake's expression was unchanged. He was still shaking, and nothing I could say was going to change his mind.

"So, Bella, the question is, who do you choose, them or us?" His expression still remained. My expression, however, was one of utter shock. Was he actually going to make me choose?

"I'm sorry, Jake, I don't understand…"

"It's simple really, do you keep us as friends and the only family you have left, or do you choose _them_?" The confidence in his voice rang crystal clear; he thought I would choose him.

"Jake… don't make me do this. Don't make me choose, 'cause… I'm going to pick him. I will always pick Edward. If that makes you hate me then… I guess you're just going to have to hate me…" The tears ran freely down my face, pain rolling through me in waves. I couldn't believe after a lifetime of friendship and loyalty that it would ever come to an ultimatum.

"He's got some kind of control over you… I thought you were stronger than that, Bella…" He turned away from both Haven and me without another word, phased, and disappeared into the trees.

Haven just stood there completely speechless. Jacob had always been completely honest with her about the nature of our relationship. In the beginning, I could tell that she did harbor some jealousy, but Jake quickly put her at ease. But at times like this one, I knew she didn't want to be put in the middle, because she would always choose Jake.

"Haven, I don't know what to say. I wish he could understand."

"Bella… I know that I don't know Edward, and I probably won't ever know him. That makes me sad. You have been supportive of me and Jake from the beginning. I wish that I could return the favor, but…"

"Stop, Haven, I won't make you choose. Go to Jake, he needs you, since he believes that I have totally betrayed all my friends and family…"

"Bella, look, he's upset, give him a couple of days. I'll call you in couple, okay. See you."

She turned and swiftly walked back to their car. I watched as she drove off, headed the opposite direction that Alice had earlier, and I lost it. How much more was I going to have to endure to find some happiness? In the grand scheme of things, this was not the hardest thing that I had gone through. It wouldn't even make the top five, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

What hurt the most were the accusations. How could he possibly think that I didn't love my Dad? Charlie was my rock through everything. Even now, I knew that Charlie would want me to be happy, even if that meant being with Edward.

Jake was pissed, but I didn't think that I deserved the way that he treated me. I wasn't going to roll over for him either. I didn't feel like I needed to apologize to him for anything. Edward was, and would always be, my everything; and Jake would not, simple as that.

The fight had brought out so many feelings to my already raw emotions from the day. I was so overwhelmed that all I wanted and needed was Edward.

Through my tears and sobs, I managed to pull out my cell phone and locate my contact list. While searching through the list, I came across Edward's cell phone number. My intention was to call him at home, but I wanted to avoid talking to anyone else, so I hit the call button. It rang several times. On the fourth ring I was ready to hang up and call his house, when he finally answered. I was still crying so hard that I barely managed to let him know that I needed him to come over. I didn't want to worry him, but I had been so long without him that I just wanted him close by.

Within the ten minutes that he said it would take him to reach me, I managed to make it into the house. What seemed like only moments later, there was a quiet knock on my door. Knowing that Edward was on the other side, I flung the door open and threw myself into his arms. He brought me inside and held me for along time, just letting me cry everything out.

After what seemed like hours, I had finally composed myself enough to at least talk to him a little.

"Bella…" he whispered to me, his voice soothing my soul.

"Jacob was here when I got back with Alice. He was furious with me," I croaked.

"Did he do something to you? Did he hurt you in any way?" Edward was immediately on the defensive. I hated that he expected the worst, but after our tumultuous relationship he didn't really know any different.

"My feelings, but that's all. He figured that I had forgiven all of you and he was so upset with me. Edward… he knows exactly what your leaving did to me. He doesn't trust any of you, and he says that you're going to do it again. Even though… you… left me, I can't help it… I… need you." I hid my face, ashamed that I couldn't be stronger. I was always weak when it came to Edward. I would always love him, and the fact that he held me, for lack of a better term, in the palm of his hand, meant I was always going to be fragile.

"Bella, I know that I have not given you any reasons to trust me, but I will never hurt you like that again. Ever." I was no fool. I could hear the remorse in his voice. It made my soul soar, but I struggled to keep it grounded because I didn't trust him.

"Just because I need you, does not mean that you're forgiven. It's going to take a lot of time for me, Edward. I need you, though. If you'll have me in your life, then I'll take what I can get. God… Jake would be so pissed to hear me say that. He'd say that I was rolling over and letting you control me. He just doesn't understand. He just doesn't know what you mean to me… no one does." That was the truth of the matter. The same reason that Edward couldn't understand, I loved him with every fiber of my being. Maybe if he had really believed me then we could have skipped all these years of heartbreak.

We were both quiet now, and I couldn't help but snuggle deeper into his embrace. I missed him. Not time, distance, or anything could beat back the feelings that I had for this man.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"I want to start over… I mean, I don't want to act like nothing ever happened between us before, but, I want _us_ to try _this_ over again. I feel like I was never really your partner in our relationship. Obviously you never really took anything that I said into consideration. I always felt like my opinion didn't really matter to you." I glanced up at him from under my eye lashes. He was looking down at me with pain and anguish in his eyes.

"I will never forgive myself for leaving you. No matter how many ways I have to make it up to you, I promise, I will never leave you again unless you ask me to. And you're right, Bella, I never fully took your feelings or opinions into consideration. If I had, maybe we would have spent the last eight years together… happy. You were always smarter than me. If I would have just listened to you… I was just trying to protect you. I just wanted to make you safe, and…"

"Edward," I said, touching his face, "I just want to move forward. I haven't been happy in a very long time. I am still scared to death of you. What you're capable of. You hold my heart in your hands, and you absolutely crushed it when you left. I have attempted to piece it back together over the years, but it is by no means whole. All it would take is just a little pressure from you and it would shatter. It would be irreparable. I want to trust you more than anything, but I just don't know how to anymore."

I stopped speaking. These things were all that I had wanted to say to him for so long. If it weren't for the fact that I was upset, I may never have said any of this at all. My defenses were down, and I just wanted to move forward with my life. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I could try and stay away from him. Make him sweat it out a bit longer, or I could take what he says at face value and try to move on.

"Edward… will you stay with me tonight? Just for tonight. I really would like us to start fresh. Maybe we could hang out in a couple of days, like Wednesday?"

"Of course I'll stay. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. And I would love to hang out with you, whenever you want to. Would you like to hang out with just me or the whole group?" He was making an effort not to pressure me into being alone with him.

"I think that maybe for the first time, I would like it to be just you and me," I whispered.

I broke eye contact for the first time. He hooked his finger under my chin and lifted my face so he could look into my eyes.

"That sounds perfect."

Nothing more needed to be said. I sat on his lap, curled into his chest, while he sang me to sleep.

The next morning, I awoke feeling like I was hung over. It had been a long time since I had cried quite so hard. I was now lying in my own bed and Edward was nowhere in sight. Maybe it had all been a figment of my imagination. Before I could explore that option any further, there was a slight tapping at my door.

"Come in."

"Hey, good morning, how did you sleep?" Thinking about it, it was the first night in a long time that I slept soundly. I don't remember dreaming, and I hadn't woken up in the middle of the night, so overall, definitely a good night.

"Well, actually. Thank you for staying with me. I was just so drained from yesterday. I don't think I have felt this turbulent in a long time. My emotions are just all over the place. I guess that's to be expected though… I mean with something so life changing happening." I looked him directly in the eye, but looked away a second late. My eyes flashed to the cut that he held in his hands.

"Whatcha got there?" I asked, smiling.

"Well, I wanted to get your day started off in a good way, so I noticed the coffee and the coffee pot. I thought maybe you would enjoy some." He looked unsure of himself, but I quickly smiled and moved to take the cup from him.

"It's wonderful, thank you." Amazingly, he had made it just right, not too sweet and just enough cream.

I certainly wanted to spend more time with him, but one look at the clock told me that I needed to get my butt in gear and get ready for school. He could tell by my reaction to the time that I needed to get going.

"Well, I guess I should get going."

"Yeah, about that, Edward, I loved having you here, but I need to get back into my routine. It's not that I don't want to have you around. I love having you back. I just need to get back to some semblance of normalcy. I'll call you after work, and we can figure out what we're going to do tomorrow. Does that sound okay with you?"

"Perfect. I'll be waiting for your call." Edward turned to leave and then stopped, turned, and looked hesitant for a second. "And Bella… thank you, for letting me stay with you. You have no idea… well, thanks again."

"Wait, Edward." I rose from the bed and walked slowly towards him. I wasn't sure what protocol I should be using in this situation. I know that I told him that I needed time, but on the same token, I needed him.

I slowly reached my hand toward him and edged myself closer to him. I was scared to look in his eyes, but when I did, he looked just as scared as I felt. I rose until I could lightly press my lips to his. For one perfect moment we were just together, there was nothing else.

All too soon I pulled away, waiting for a negative reaction that never came. I looked back into his eyes and they was such a strange emotion filling them. I couldn't place what the emotion was, but it made me feel happy inside.

He smiled and turned and left the house.

My day at school seemed to fly by. I was just starting to get back my feel of ease when the final bell had rung for the day. I was loading my papers into my bag when a knock sounded at my door. I glanced up to see Mike Newton, as per his usual routine, standing there with a smile on his face.

"So, Bella, how was your day today? I noticed you seemed a bit off yesterday so I just wanted to see if everything was alright with you."

I inwardly groaned, knowing what was coming next.

"Fine, Mike, just have a lot of things on my plate lately."

"Well why don't you let me take you out, help you relieve some stress." He smiled, trying to sound genuine. He apparently didn't think I was smart enough to catch the innuendo in his invitation.

"Mike, listen, you know I like you as a friend. I just don't want to go out with you. I don't know how to say it any other way to make you understand. Every couple of days you ask me out, and every time I tell you no. I just want you to know that I will not change my mind. I won't go out with you."

He turned a deep red, obviously completely embarrassed. I looked down at my papers, and when I looked back at him he was gone.

I finally made it home, and after checking that I had no messages, I changed for my run.

It felt good to get back out in the fresh air and just run. I half expected Emmett to join me but was glad that he didn't. I was nice to be able to think with a clear head, away from pressure and responsibility. I couldn't believe all that had happened in such a short period of time. Last Friday I was on my way out for a girl's night, and now, the Cullen's were back, and I was going to be spending time with Edward again.

Before I noticed where my feet had taken me, I was standing at Charlie's grave.

"Hi, Daddy, I miss you. I just wanted to stop by and talk to you. Let you know what's been going on.

"The Cullen's came back. I know, I know what you would say. I just think that maybe this time will be different. At least that's what I'm hoping. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm also scared."

I sunk down to the cold, damp earth.

"I just miss you so much, Dad, and I just wish I could ask for your advice. I would just love to talk to you one more time."

The light was starting to fade, and I knew I needed to start back home.

"I promise that I won't stay away too long. I love you, Dad."

I turned and ran, not looking back as the tears silently slipped down my cheeks.

I was just climbing the stairs when my cell phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hello, Bella, how was your day?"

Edward.

"It was good. How was yours?"

"Mine was good, as well. You sound out of breath, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just finished my run. So what's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I would pick you up at six tomorrow, if that's okay with you?"

"Yeah, six sounds great. That'll give me just enough time to get ready after work. Where are we going?"

"And ruin the surprise, never. You should know better than that, Bella. Just dress comfortably. It's going to be cold tomorrow evening, so keep that in mind."

Curiosity was going to kill me. I really wanted to know what he had planned.

"Please, Edward. Just a hint?"

"No, you'll just have to wait and see."

"Okay, well… I really need to go get cleaned up. I have a ton of extra work that I need to get done before tomorrow. I mean, I don't want to be rude…"

"No, Bella, I should let you get back to your evening. I'll see you tomorrow at six. Have a good night, and… sweet dreams, Bella."

"You, too, Edward. I'll see you tomorrow."


	14. Block

**A/N Sorry that it has taken me so long. I know, I know, it has taken me a freakin' month, and the only excuse I have is that I have a very demanding 3 and 4 year old. They seem to have a problem with letting mommy have any down time to write. **

**I want to first, again, thank my beta, Breath-of-Twilight. I love her dearly, and I don't know what I would do without her.**

**I also want to thank Mean Mrs. Mustard aka coldplaywhore. She featured my story and interveiwed me on P.I.C.'s Fanfic Corner and I am so grateful and humbled. I absolutely love her work (definitely check her out) and it meant so much to me that she chose me and my little story.**

**I also want to thank my pre-readers, Smoke Fairy and iharkcom, your imput means so much. Can't thank you enough.**

**The song for this chapter is Sea Of Teeth by Sparklehorse.**

******Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 14

Block

EPOV

She had agreed to go on a date with me, which continued to give me more hope, when surely I deserved none. After holding her all last night, I couldn't help the smile that had etched on my face. There would be plenty of questions from my family, but I hadn't felt like sharing my wonderful mood with them yet. So, after I left Bella's, I immediately headed into the woods to hunt.

It didn't take long, however, before Alice's thoughts drifted into my mind, just as I was taking down my second deer.

_So… things went better than you expected?_

"Well, I guess you could say that. Except for the damage that Jacob Black has done, I would say that she's starting to _try_ and let me back in."

_Edward, she loves you. There is no denying that, you just have to realize that what you did, what we all did, has impacted Bella's life in ways that we can't even imagine. _

_She hasn't had Charlie. She has barely had anyone. We just need to do what she wants… anything that she wants._

I could tell by her thoughts that Alice missed Charlie immensely. Alice seldom even bothered trying to hide things from me, but I could hear the murky painful thoughts bouncing around, even when she was trying to block me out. It pained her that she didn't see Charlie's death coming, and it pained me that deep down we both knew that was my fault. If I hadn't asked her not to look for Bella's future she would have seen what was coming, and could have possibly changed the outcome. Even though the possibility was miniscule, it was the fact that there _was_ a possibility at all that bothered Alice. Knowing that there was even a chance meant she would shoulder the blame.

"You know, Alice, it's not your fault. If anything it's mine." Remorse seemed to be the only emotion that coursed through me as of late, an emotion I rightly deserved.

_At some point, Edward, we need to stop talking in matters of blame. We can't change any of that now. We have to make sure that her future is bright. I obviously can't see anything… yet. Between Jacob and her indecisiveness, I just keep getting flashes of what could happen, nothing concrete. I just wish I wasn't flying so blind, for all of our sakes._

"Alice, Bella has already forgiven you, don't you see that? It's me she can't trust. I plan on doing whatever I can to make it better… with all of you."

Alice and I slowly made our way back to the house. Esme was in Carlisle's office going over plans that Esme had drawn up for a green house. Emmett, in one of his obviously more tender moments, was reading to Rosalie in their room. Jasper met Alice in the front room and they immediately curled up on the couch together. It was moments like these that broke me, forced me into coming back to Forks.

Over the last eight years, I had missed Bella in ways that I couldn't even comprehend. She was my air, my earth, my sky… my heaven. I had thought about her so much and so often that I half expected her to be just as frozen in time as I was. Eight years was but a blink of an eye to me, but to Bella, it was time enough to become a woman. She had grown up without me, leaving me a seventeen year old boy, while she was now a twenty-six year old woman.

That very moment, I felt insignificant. I wondered if in some way, even though Alice said that Bella still loved me, if she had in her own way outgrown me. Did I look like a child to her, or did she just simply overlook that because of the past feelings she so desperately clung to?

I thought back to the first night that she saw me with her own eyes. The storm that raged outside was no match for the tumultuous emotions that ran between the two of us. In that moment, I wouldn't have denied her anything. I would throw myself into a pit of fire if that was what she wanted.

Feeling her lips on mine and her skin beneath my finger tips, sparked a fire within me that I thought had died out. In that moment, I knew I would give her anything she wanted, including my body.

How ironic, after fighting off all her advances for so long, that I would succumb so easily. It was more than just a physical need. Whatever the need, it was so deeply rooted in me that I wasn't sure if I would ever uncover exactly what it was. It was part of my very being.

I was also surprised at how easily it was to physically be with her. I was so caught up in her that I truly hadn't realized what a major step we had both taken. To say that I was surprised that she was still a virgin was an understatement. I had in no way expected her to not be with another man physically. I was selfish, and to think about her with anyone was the worst kind of physical pain, but I had accepted it. The fact that she hadn't been with anyone was a confirmation to me that she held out hope that we would be together again. I had always held that hope, as well, but I was stubborn, and couldn't believe that it had taken me so long to see the error of my ways.

When she called me about her fight with Jacob, I wanted to do nothing more than make her happy again. I wanted to erase all the damage and hurt that she had been through, both at my hand and his. I wasn't quite sure as to what extent their relationship was, but if I could be sure it wouldn't hurt her, I would have killed him for making her cry. What a hypocrite I was, when I had done so much worse.

I was abruptly brought out of my thoughts by my phone buzzing in my pocket. I immediately answered, knowing the only person it could be was Bella.

"Hello… Edward?" a voice croaked on the other end of the line.

"Bella, is that you?" What had happened to her voice?

"Yeah, it's me. Sorry I'm calling so early, but I wanted to let you know that I don't think I'll be able to make our date tonight." She spoke slowly and sounded as if she was straining just to get the words out.

"What's wrong?"

"I think the excitement of the last couple of days is finally catching up with me. Saturday morning I was really hung over, and then Saturday night… well you know… I don't think being outside in the rain helped anything. I'm just really drained, and my throat is killing me."

Guilt spread quickly through me. _Had I been the one to get her sick_?

"Bella, I am so sorry..."

"Edward, it wasn't you, okay? Seriously, I had forgotten how you tend to overreact… a lot." I heard her snort out a raspy giggle.

"Alright. I understand. Can we possibly reschedule? I mean…I just…" Not knowing what or how to say, "I just really want to see you, again."

"Well… I really want to see you, too. I just don't really feel like letting you see me right now. If I feel better tomorrow, I'll be catching up on work that I missed yesterday, and Friday is girl's night with Angela."

"Do you go out with Angela every Friday night?" I was generally curious, plus, now that I was back, I wasn't sure how I felt about her partying so much. I understood that Bella had a small drinking problem, but I wasn't sure how bad it actually was. Only time would tell if it was a major problem, and maybe things would be different now that we were back. I didn't want to bring it up though, especially since she was just starting to let me back into her life.

"Not every Friday, we just try and go out at least two Fridays a month."

"I see, so… I guess just call me, when you would like to get together again. If you need anything, Bella, don't hesitate to call me. I mean it; I'll be there whenever you need me." I wanted to ask if I was at least allowed to visit while she was sick, but I didn't want to push my luck. If she wanted my company, she would ask me.

"Okay, thank you, Edward, can I ask one favor though?" _Anything, my angel._ "Can you ask Alice if she would be able to come by later? I just need to talk to her, and I don't have her number." I could hear the apprehension in her voice, and I wondered what exactly she needed to speak with Alice about. It was clear that whatever it was she did not trust me with it, and I couldn't say that I blamed her. I had burned that bridge, and I would do my damndest to rebuild it, one way or another.

"Of course, I'll let her know. Get better, Bella, and hopefully I'll be talking to you soon." I said, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice.

"Bye, Edward." I heard the line disconnect, but I couldn't bring myself to take the phone away from my ear.

_Honestly, Edward, I have no idea what she wants._

I hadn't even noticed that Alice was in my room, and for a second, she had actually startled me. Alice thought that was highly amusing.

_Sorry… well, actually, I'm not. It's not very often that I can sneak up on anyone._ I could hear her laughing louder now.

"No problem. How much of my conversation did you hear?"

_None, I just saw that you wanted to talk to me about going to see Bella. So, here I am._

"Bella's not feeling well, so she had to cancel our date tonight. She wanted me to ask you if you could go by her house. She has something that she wants to talk to you about."

_Did she say when I should go over there?_

"All she said was that you should come by later. Don't forget to give her your phone number as well. She said that she didn't have it, and I just want to make sure that she always has a way to get a hold of any of us at any time."

_No worries, I'll make sure she has all of our numbers, just in case._

She turned to leave, and I was left alone with the stone silence of my room.

Alice left later that afternoon and didn't return until the following morning. I could tell that they had had an important conversation, and clearly they did not want me involved in it. Alice's thoughts were so locked down that I couldn't even tell if she was having a vision or not, which was definitely new.

"Alice, is everything okay? How's Bella?"

"She's better; she just wanted to catch up since we really haven't had much time together." Her words veiled something, but I couldn't tell what.

"You're sure? What's going on, Alice? I can tell you're hiding something from me. Has Bella changed her mind about wanting me around?" She hesitated, firmly keeping her block in place.

"I'm positive, she's better, and Bella has not changed her mind about you. She just really needed to talk… with a girl." Alice was still completely shutting me out and being insanely cryptic. It was beyond frustrating.

I didn't want to get the run around any longer, so I decided that I just needed to get out of the house so I could think without any interruption.

I moved without consciously thinking about where I would go. The need to run superseded everything at that moment. When I snapped back to reality, I found myself in the forest, outside of the high school. More specifically, I was now discreetly hidden in the trees directly outside of Bella's classroom.

I could see her clearly through the windows, and she looked rested. Her voice, however, still sounded like she was straining.

I was still so amazed at her transformation. It was going to take a long while before I would be able to replace _my_ sweet Bella with this _new_ Bella. The one thing that didn't change was the fact that she still held me within the palm of her hand. She was like a magnet that pulled me to her.

I observed her for the rest of her school day, only leaving when she finally shut off the light to her classroom.

I didn't want to press my luck by following her home. I decided it was better to just go home and wait.

I could see the house coming into view as my phone vibrated in my pocket

"Bella?"

"Hey, Edward, I just wanted to call… and say hi."

I could hear the nervous tone in her voice and wondered what the cause of it was.

"Is everything okay? Did something happen with Jacob?"

"No…no, nothing like that, everything's fine. I just hadn't talked to you and… I missed you."

"I missed you, too." I couldn't say that I was surprised by her admission, but I was happy to hear it just the same.

"Strangely enough, I actually figured that you would have come by… like old times, but you never did. I mean, I know I said that I needed time, but I guess… old habits die hard." Her voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper, like she was ashamed to say this to me.

"It's been hard to stay away, but I wanted to honor your request. Bella, I just… I hated that it was Alice that you wanted and not me. That sounds so selfish, but I just don't know how to get back to what we were… what we had. I don't know how to make things better. I just want them to _be_ better, desperately." I didn't want to seem needy, and I was emasculating myself, as it was already, by whining to her about choosing Alice over me. I just didn't know how to handle this, and I didn't want to do anything that could possible jeopardize any part of our relationship that we could salvage.

"Edward… I just needed to spend a little bit of time with Alice. I know it's only been a couple of days since you've been back, but I have only really seen her when I came to your house. You weren't the only one that I lost… and Edward… I guess… I just still carry you in my heart with me at all times, so I thought that one night would be okay. I didn't think it would bother you this much." I could hear the hurt in her voice. Why did I always hurt her?

I felt like such an ass. Here she was just basking in the fact that we had returned and I was selfishly upset that she hadn't picked me first. Especially with the way that Jacob had acted. She certainly did not need another man disappointing her.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to make you feel bad or uncomfortable. It's just… now that I am back, I just want to spend as much time as possible with you, as much as you'll allow. I'm being ridiculous, and I certainly don't want to upset you further."

"No, Edward, it's fine, really. It actually makes me feel good to know that you care so much. I think it's just going to take some time for us both to work through our baggage. Eight years is a long time for a human to gain all kinds of baggage. Anyway, I also called because I wanted to see if Saturday was okay for us to reschedule our date?"

"Saturday would be fine. Are you still going out with Angela tomorrow?"

"Yeah, and actually, Alice and Rose are coming with us as well. Alice and I figured that since Angela had seen you guys already that it would be okay if they saw her and Rose, as well." This wasn't a huge problem, since the girls could dress older than their respective ages, but there couldn't be too many more people that noticed our return. We had been careful already not to alert anyone in town of our presence; it would raise too many questions.

"That should be fun for you ladies to catch up," I said softly, trying again to keep the hint of sadness out of my voice from her all too observant ears. She would feel badly, and I didn't want that for her.

"You know, the club in Port Angeles is really nice. You can accidentally run into all kinds of people there." Was she hinting at something?

"Really, like what kind of people?" I wanted to make sure I understood what she was implying.

"Well, I mean, you guys could certainly have a boy's night out. Since there aren't many places to go, it would only seem logical that you would, maybe, end up in the same place." She was playing coy with me, I loved it.

"Well. that sounds like an excellent idea. I think I am definitely ready for a boy's night out. Maybe we'll run into each other, but if not, I'll see you on Saturday. I'll pick you up around ten. Does that sound okay to you?"

"That sounds great, Edward. Talk to you later? Good night."

"Good night, Bella"

When I heard the phone disconnect, I fought back the wave of emptiness that plagued me when I could no longer hear her voice, but the memory of her playing with me in hopes that we would run into each other tomorrow evening, were ammunition enough to flood my heart with happiness. Tomorrow I would see her, and I would start making up for lost time.


	15. Connected

**A/N I would say that I was sorry, but I think most of you would still be mad at me. I have really been trying and that's all I can say. I would have loved to have been able to keep to a schedule, but unfortunately, my life can't even keep to a schedule. I promise to try and be better.**

**Thank you again to my beta, Breath-of-Twilight. She is the best. If you haven't checked her out, then you are missing out.**

**I also want to thank coldplaywhore. She was awesome enough to offer me some suggestions, and ultimately making my stuff so much better. At least I hope she thinks so. **

**Thanks to my pre-reader, iharkcom. I'm glad you are willing to help me, thanks girlie.**

**The song for this chapter is Meet Me Halfway by Black Eyed Peas.**

******Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 15

Connected

BPOV

What was wrong with me? Why didn't I just come out and say that I wanted him, in any way that he would have me? I had completely given up on going slow. The kicker was, he hadn't even caught on to my hints.

I moved upstairs to get ready for bed, and as I passed my bedroom, I heard a clicking sound coming from inside. At first I thought that it must be the tree limbs tapping the window from the wind, but as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, I heard it again. The taps were fast and three at a time.

Standing in my underwear and t-shirt, sans bra, I grabbed my curling iron off of the vanity, hoping that I could at least beat someone with it, and made my way back into my bedroom. As soon as I turned the corner into my room, I could see Edward crouched down in the tree, waiting for me at the window.

The smile that crossed my face was wide. I had forgotten how good it felt to see him in this familiar situation. It reminded me of years before, spent together in this very room, cuddled on my bed.

I dropped the curling iron and ran to the window. I threw the window open and backed away to let him in.

Once he was standing inside, he looked up at me, and the expression on his face was priceless. After all the nights that he spent with me, prior to his return, he had never seen me without clothes on. The night he returned to me was the first time, but the lights were off. Even with his heightened vision, we were both too distracted by our reunion. It was almost comical seeing his eyes wide and his jaw slack at my lack of clothing.

"Hello… Edward, are you in there?"

As soon as I spoke, he seemed to snap out of his trance, and his eyes met mine.

"Yeah… sorry about that… you just… Wow."

"It's really okay, Edward. Would you like me to put something else on?" I said with a smirk. Regardless of how much of a gentleman he was, he was still a man. I could see how I affected him, his erection prominent in his pants, and it made my skin warm and tingly. From the moment I met Edward, I wanted some kind of tangible evidence that I had some affect on him, and now, here it was. With my extremely limited experience, I felt quite proud of myself.

"NO… no, I mean, unless you want to." If he could have blushed, I think he would have. Obviously, even though he was about one hundred and seventeen years old, he still had some of the mentality of a seventeen year old boy.

"I'm actually comfortable, so I don't think I will. What are you doing here?" I asked, playing coy.

"Well… I got to thinking after we got off the phone. I know you said that you wanted to take things slow, but… it sounded like you might…want to see me?" He sounded like he was asking me if indeed he was correct. I actually liked seeing Edward like this. Awkward, unsure, and insecure was a far cry from the way he used to be with me.

"You caught that then? Edward, when it comes right down to it," I let out a huge sigh, "I just want you in my life and as close as you'll allow me. We can talk about everything later. Tonight, I just want to be with you. We don't need to express all the things that we're feeling, unless you want to show me… physically." I didn't break eye contact with him once. That was definitely a surprise for me. I wasn't bold by nature, and I felt a little out of my element. I knew that this was a direct result from my insecurities. I just wanted to be enough for him, this time.

His expression was blank, and I couldn't tell what was running through his mind. It was times like this that I wished that I was the mind reader.

Without another word, I turned away from him and went back to the bathroom to finish up getting ready. As soon as I was done, I walked back to my room, flicking the light off as I moved toward the bed. Edward had taken off his jacket, shoes and socks, and was lying on top of the bed with his eyes closed and his hands on his chest. If it hadn't been impossible, I would have thought that he was actually sleeping.

I climbed on the bed, lying down beside him. I didn't know whether it was okay for me to touch him, so I just lay there, watching his features in the soft glow of the moon light.

Slowly, he turned his face towards me and opened his eyes. He studied me, and then a smile graced his lips. Without another thought, I slid my leg over his body and eased my way on top of him. Looking down at him made me feel bold. My mouth descended on his in a slow and steady kiss.

His hands moved from his chest to the backs of my knees. They were so cold, as usual, and caused goose bumps to rise on my skin as he trailed his fingers up the backs of my legs, to where they finally settled on my thighs.

Our kisses were slow and sweet. It felt like we were making up for lost time, and the raw intimacy weighed heavy in the air.

I could feel the heat rising in my body and the unmistakable tingling sensation deep in my stomach. I started to grind my hips on top of his, feeling him harden beneath me.

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around being with him. The heat that radiated off of me, in waves, seemed to warm his ice cold body. So much so, that I barely noticed the temperature difference.

Rising up, I grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it up and over my head. Edward stilled, and I watched as his eyes drank in my naked chest.

"You are absolutely the most beautiful creature I have ever seen," he breathed before grabbing me by the back of my neck and bringing my mouth down upon his. His hands moved from the backs of my thighs to caress my back.

Feeling his hands on me was completely overwhelming, but I craved more of his touch. It felt like fire was consuming me, and I wanted to burn. My breathing picked up, and I was trying to hold back moans of pleasure. I didn't want to seem desperate, but I just couldn't hold back. I moved my hands from the sides of his face and grabbed him by the wrists to move his hands to my breasts. Edward's lips immediately stilled against mine, and I wondered whether or not I was moving too fast for him. My doubts were doused when I finally felt him gently squeeze. It was all the encouragement that I needed.

We continued to touch and kiss, but I wanted more, needed more. Edward must have felt the same way, because before I had a chance to react, he had flipped us so that I was on my back and he hovered just above me.

"Bella, I…"

"Shhh, Edward. I want this. I hope that you want this. You know that we work, that you won't hurt me. Please, let's not over think this."

"Of course I want this; I just don't want to go in a direction that we aren't ready to go in. I understand that we've done this before, but that was under very different circumstances."

"Edward, what did I say about over thinking? I spent eight years wishing you were around. That I could touch you, hold you… I promise, we'll talk, just not right now."

His mouth descended on mine again, and I could feel his fingers slip into the sides of my underwear. My heart started to pound erratically with excitement. Slowly, almost painfully, he slid them down my legs, without breaking his lips from mine. He tossed them off the bed and swiftly took his clothes off. He was perfect. His skin was the palest of white, and he was muscular, but not overly so. He was perhaps the most perfect being that I had ever seen. Lying back down on top of me, I could feel his muscles flex, from what I could only assume was so he didn't press his weight into me.

I waited for what felt like forever, but was more like a few seconds, before I nodded for him to continue.

He kissed me deeply, passionately, and I felt like I was being consumed by him. He pulled away, leaning back so that he could look at me. His gaze was burning with intensity, and it felt like he could see all the way into the deepest depths of my heart. He reached out to touch the expanse of my neck, running his fingers down my sides, brushing against the sides of my breasts. It felt like he was worshipping me, and I wished that it had always been like this.

He leaned forward again, but this time he took my breast in his mouth. I gasped in shock at the sensation of his cold tongue lapping at my warm, taught peak. He moved to my other one, showing it the same attention. He worked his tongue over and over, driving me into a frenzy of lust.

After he lavished both breasts with attention, he focused on my stomach, peppering it with small kisses. He looked up at me from under his eye lashes, and in that moment, I had never felt more loved. Without breaking eye contact, he continued his exploration down until he reached the backs of my knees. Softly grasping them in each hand, he hitched my legs up around his waist. He looked back at me and I knew, we were both ready.

He slowly eased himself inside me. I hadn't remembered that it felt this good. We were connected, and it was so intensely intimate. Coming together over and over again, trying to love away the years of hurt and regret. Like this one act would be the glue that would mend all the shattered pieces back together.

Our movements quickened, and pleasure bubbled up inside me, until I was so full, I wasn't sure I would be able to handle any more. I was gasping and holding tight to him, as if he was my only life line to reality, when my release wracked through my body. I shuttered wildly and then was utterly spent. Seconds later, he followed, spilling deep inside me with the most delicious sounding groan.

I felt like my barren soul had finally connected to something. He didn't believe that he had a soul, but I knew otherwise. He was my soul mate, my equal. Vampire or not, there was no denying that we were meant to be a part of each other.

The next morning, I was running late for school, and Edward was being very attentive, trying to help me get out on time.

"So… I might get to see you tonight?" I asked hesitantly. If he hadn't caught on to my hinting on the phone, I figured that this would be a definite direct approach.

"Yeah. Actually, I think that's the plan. We were just going to happen to be in the same place that you girls were." I could tell that he was a little uncomfortable admitting that to me. He didn't want to hover over me, and he certainly didn't want to push me farther than I was ready to go. I was extremely happy that he was trying to play by my rules, but I also just wished that things could be easier. It was unrealistic, but it was the truth.

"Well then, I guess I'll see you tonight," I said as he walked me out, watching me lock the door before he walked with me to my car with his hand at the small of my back. I wasn't ready to say good bye, but time wasn't allowing me very much leeway, so I leaned into him and kissed the bottom of his chin. As I drove away, I could see him still standing at the curb watching me.

The day seemed to move faster from that point. I was so busy that I had no time to think about last night, Edward, or Jacob, for that matter. Before it could really register, I was standing back in my room debating on what to wear, waiting for Alice and Rose to show up, and eating the lunch I was unable to finish earlier in the day.

They didn't keep me waiting long. I knew Alice wouldn't be able to resist throwing in her two cents on my outfit for the evening, so it didn't surprise me one bit when she had a shopping bag in her hand as she came in the front door.

"Bella, are you having trouble finding something to wear? You're in luck, I just happened to find this outfit, and it would look perfect on you," she said with a glint in her eye. She must have had a vision, and knew all along that I wasn't going to be able to find something to wear. She already wanted to get her way.

I smiled at her. I didn't realize that this was something that I really missed about Alice. But I knew how it was just one of the ways that she showed me that she cared.

I set the bag of clothes on my bed and proceed to pull out a pair of electric blue pumps, dark blue skinny jeans, and a draping black halter top.

I quirked an eyebrow at Alice.

"What? You don't like? I've seen it and it looks fabulous on you, so no complaining." I missed Alice so much, and in that moment, it really hit me like an anvil. I walked over to where Alice and Rose were standing and threw my arms around them both.

"Thank you," was all that I was able to say. I think they both understood. It wasn't just about the clothes, or the fact that they would be going out with me tonight. It was the fact that they came back, and I was truly thankful for that.

I released them and started shimmying my ass into the skinny jeans. Once I was completely put together, I stood in front of the mirror admiring how the clothes complimented my curves.

"You look beautiful," Rose said.

I must have looked a little bit shocked because Rose laughed, loudly.

"Don't look so surprised, Bella. You're hot; I was just stating the obvious."

We didn't hang around my house for too long, opting to get a head start on our girl's night. I called Angela, and she agreed to let us pick her up early.

I had decided to tell Angela that she should go ahead and eat with Ben instead of going out to dinner. She was surprised, only because it was our regular girl's night routine, but agreed. I just wanted to make it easier on Alice and Rose.

Angela was coming out the door as we pulled up. She knew that Alice and Rose would be coming with us, but she still looked a little shocked when she saw them for the first time.

"Alice, Rosalie, it's so nice to see you again. Wow, you guys haven't changed a bit." I choked, trying to mask the giggle that was threatening to slip out.

I looked at Alice in the rear view mirror. She looked happy, and so did Rose. Tonight was going to be a great night.

No sooner had I thought the night would be great, it decided to take a massive nose dive. We parked the car on the street and made our way into the club, and I immediately noticed some girl's from the reservation. Upon finding a table, I noticed Jacob standing with Haven and some of his friends. They all turned to look at our table and Rose and Alice visibly stiffened. Great… this was just what I needed on the one night I had been looking forward to letting loose.

"Is that Jacob Black?" Angela asked.

"Yeah, that's him." Angela turned to look at me.

"I thought you guys were friends?"

"We were… we are, it's just that we had a fight recently and I don't really want to have to rehash it with him tonight."

"What did you guys fight about?" she asked curiously. I knew Angela was just trying to be a good friend. I had been an emotional cripple for the last eight years, so she hadn't seen me like this, especially having a disagreement with someone that she counted as one of my closest friends.

"I'll go get some shots," Alice said, slipping away from our table.

We sat there in uncomfortable silence until Alice came back with our shots. There were four on the table, and I wondered what Alice and Rose planned on doing with theirs. I swiftly took their choice away from them, when Angela wasn't looking, and downed all three in rapid succession.

"I need to go talk to Jake, I'll be right back." Alice and Rose didn't comment, and Angela went to the bar to get another drink.

"BELLAAA…" Paul bellowed. From the looks of it, they all had had a few already and were just short of obnoxious.

"Hey, Paul, how are you? I haven't seen you in awhile." I could see Jacob and Haven watching me from the corner of my eye.

"I'm good, see you're hangin' with the leec… Cullen's again." He thought I didn't notice his slip of the tongue, but I wasn't the one who'd been drinking for awhile already.

"Yeah, they've recently come back to town." I didn't owe them any other explanation. Especially since Jacob was intently listening to me talk.

"Hey, Bella, you wanna dance?" Paul asked.

"Sure, let's go." The shots were starting to kick in, and I was feeling a little bit more relaxed. Paul was my friend. Not like we were that close, but I knew him through Jacob, and that, in turn, made him my friend. He was nice to me, and at the time, that was the only prerequisite for my friendship.

We moved out onto the dance floor and began to move around in sync. Paul moved into me and put his hands on my hips. He was dancing behind me, brushing too close every once in awhile. I hadn't really noticed it being inappropriate in any way, so I moved with him, feeling the music move through me. I closed my eyes and let his hands dictate my movement. They moved from my back to my stomach, pulling me tight against him.

Paul was a friend. For the years that the Cullen's were not around, Jake's friends took me under their wings. I didn't find anything wrong with Paul's actions, but when I chanced a glance back at our table, Rose and Alice looked livid. Suddenly, I could feel the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

"If you value your hands at all you will remove them from her waist this instant." The voice was smooth and cold and could only belong to one person… Edward.

Oh shit… this was exactly what I wanted to avoid.


	16. Truths

**A/N Well I don't know what happened, but I had a whole author's note up here, and it didn't even post. LAME. Anyways, I was just wanted to apologize, my real life kicks my ass sometimes, but I'm doing the best I can.**

**I wanted to thank all of my readers. Seriously, you guys have stuck with me, and you have no idea how much that means to me. I only hope that I don't let you down.**

**Breath-of-Twilight, you are my girl, thank you for being my rock.**

**The song for this chapter is Pieces by Dan Powell**

**I also participated in Breath-of-Twilight's Countdown to Halloween. You can check it out at:**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6326403/1/Countdown_to_Halloween_II_One_Haunted_Hallows_Eve**

**I also started a new story that I have had 5 months worth of updates done way before I started Here With Me. I will be posting every two weeks, and I started posting last week. It's called, All The Loves Of Our Lives, and you should check it out if you get a chance. You can find it at:**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6359350/1/All_The_Loves_Of_Our_Lives**

******Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns all of the Twilight universe. The story line is mine. Please do not steal what isn't yours. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 16

Truths

EPOV

As Emmett, Jasper, and I walked into the club, I immediately knew that something was off.

There were voices and thoughts coming at me from every direction, but Rosalie and Alice's were louder than the rest.

_He had better get his hands off of her before Edward sees. He's gonna absolutely tear him apart. God, I can't wait, maybe he'll let me help. These mutts fucking stink. I don't know what Bella sees in them, anyway. I would have thought she would have better taste than that, _Rosalie thought.

_Edward, I know you're here. Don't over react, even though I know when you see for yourself, you'll want to_, Alice pleaded.

I suddenly saw through Alice's thoughts what she was talking about. There, on the dance floor, was my Bella, with one of Jacob friends wrapped around her backside.

All I saw was red.

There, in front of everyone, was Bella, who was blissfully unaware of the vulgar faces that her dance partner was making behind her back. I could see that he was trying to grind himself into her backside, and she was allowing it.

Without being aware of my movement, or who was watching me, I was suddenly standing in front of them. I couldn't see anything but the scene before me.

"If you value your hands at all you will remove them from her waist this instant," I said without a hint of emotion in my voice.

Bella had been looking towards Alice and Rosalie when her head snapped back towards me. A look crossed her face that I couldn't identify, before a look of terror and panic etched across her beautiful features. She immediately shrugged out of his grasp before flinging herself towards me, clutching desperately at my shirt.

"Edward, calm down… Edward, please, it's not what you think. I was just dancing with Paul, and well, he's just my friend, and it didn't mean anything. Please don't be mad at me, Edward. Please…" she pleaded with me. Little did she know that it wasn't her that I was angry with but the mutt that was humping her leg.

Paul, being a wolf just like Jacob, knew exactly what I was. In fact, there seemed to be six others, including Jacob that knew what I was. From their thoughts I gathered that they had expected me to come here, and had been waiting. They were here to pick a fight, and that's exactly what I wanted to do… fight.

"You have a problem with Bella dancing with me," Paul said provokingly. I was visibly upset, that much was clear, but his thoughts were malicious, and when he thought of Bella, they were sexually graphic in nature. He was clearly trying to provoke me into attacking him first. I clenched and unclenched my fist, and I could suddenly feel the presence of my brothers behind me.

"There a problem here, Bella?" Emmett asked calmly. It was always eerie when Emmett was calm, because when someone he considered to be his family was in danger, he was beyond lethal.

"It's fine, Emmett, I swear. Please, just let's get out of here. Really, there's nothing to be upset about. Edward… please… please, just come with me. I don't want to be here anymore."

I looked at her and could see her pleading with her eyes. It would end badly for everyone if we did indeed fight. There would be casualties, and no one could guarantee who would come out the victor. I was confident in our vampiric abilities; however, without knowing what the wolves were capable of, there was a distinct possibility that someone not fighting would be hurt. Bella's life wasn't a risk I was willing to take. My family wasn't a risk I was willing to take.

Without a word, I pulled Bella into my embrace, slightly lifting her off the floor, as I strode out of the club. From my family's thoughts, I could tell that they were getting Angela safely out of the club behind us. I could have cared less about anything other than making Bella safe.

Before my family made it outside, Jacob came charging out of the club.

"Hey… Cullen. What do you think you're doing? Bella, you don't have to go with this possessive asshole. Come on… come back inside with me, you don't have to take his shit." I could hear the hate in his voice.

"Jesus, Jake. Did you ever think for a fucking second that I want to be with him? Don't come out here to pick a fight when you know damn well I want to be with Edward. Can't you just cut me some fucking slack? You have Haven. You know that Edward is all that I have ever wanted, and yet, you feel like you have some hold over me. Let me make this perfectly clear for you, Jacob. I love Edward. I love Edward with everything that I am, and everything that I will be. He has, and will always be my life.

"Where do you get off thinking that I would be upset with Edward, after what just happened in there? Paul overstepped. He was clearly trying to pick a fight. Don't you see, Jake? Not everything is Edward's fault."

"You so easily forget what he did, Bella. Are you so blind that you can't remember what he put you through? You could have anyone… he's no good for you. How many times do I have to tell you that you were better off without him?"

"Seriously, did you think I would just be happy by myself for the rest of my life? I was never going to be happy without Edward, Jacob. Never. No matter what you want to think." Bella was furious. Seething and shaking, I could see that she was barely keeping it together.

"Bella, I…"

"No, let me stop you right there, Jacob. This is not about you. Not everything is about you. This is about the life that I want, no matter what your opinion on the matter is. If you can't accept this, then that's just too fucking bad. I don't want to see your face again, if you can't accept Edward. He is my life. He has always been my life. Just because you don't want that to be true, doesn't make it so." Bella was quiet now, but anger still radiated off of her. I loved that she was still willing to stick up for me. After everything that I put her through, she still believed in us. She still believed in me.

"Bella, I don't want to lose you as my friend. I just can't watch you go through anything like before, again. Bella, what he did nearly killed you. I just can't do it. I cannot be there to pick up those pieces. There won't be anything left, you'll just shatter." Jacob dropped to his knees in front of Bella, and his shoulders slumped. I could tell that she was breaking him. I knew what that felt like. Although it may not have been in the same context as myself, I could still recognize the emotion behind it.

Bella had apparently been pushed to her breaking point, as well, and walked toward Jacob hugging him tightly to her. I had never realized how large Jacob was until that moment. On his knees, Jacob stood as tall as Bella.

My family came walking out of the club, with Angela in tow, looking at Bella curiously, then at me. They were all very curious at what had transpired here, but no one was willing to interrupt the moment between Bella and Jacob. They did, however, all look to me for assurance. I nodded my head solemnly, and that was enough for them.

"Bella, is everything okay?" Angela asked meekly.

Bella pulled away from Jacob and looked at her long time friend. "Yeah, Angela… I'm okay. I think I've had enough tonight, though. Edward, will you take me home?" Bella glanced in my direction and tipped my head toward her.

"Rosalie, Alice, we brought Carlisle's car, why don't you come with me and Emmett, and we can take Angela home." Jasper suggested. Saying it out loud was more for Angela's benefit than anything. My family knew I needed to be alone with my Bella.

Angela slowly approached Bella and Jacob, hugging her friend tightly to her. Angela leaned in to whisper in Bella's ear.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I don't want to leave you with him if you're not ready." Angela was just trying to look out for Bella, even though she didn't need to. She didn't know that yet. In fact, I was worried that Bella was not aware of that, either. We would need to discuss our relationship, very soon.

Bella smiled weakly at her friend, still holding Jacob to her chest, and said, "I'll be just fine, Angela. I promise I'll call you as soon as I get home, and then we can talk more tomorrow. I have a feeling that I'll need it."

Bella released Angela and looked back at Jacob.

"Please…please, don't make me choose, Jacob. You have been my best friend for so long, I don't want to lose that. Just don't make me choose," she whispered. I knew what this was. This was her way of telling him, that if he wanted to maintain some relationship with her, he would not make her choose. She would choose me. The thought made me beyond ecstatic. No matter what, I knew now, we would be okay. Whether it took a day or ten years, we would make it.

I wanted forever.

However, forever may be too much to ask at this juncture of our story. After we talked, this was definitely something that I wanted to know. How would we proceed from here? Did I want to change her? The answer to that question was yes. I just wasn't sure how to broach the subject with her. I was afraid that she would have changed her mind. That she would be furious with me for leaving, if ultimately, I wanted to change her, anyway.

Jacob looked up at Bella with tears in his eyes, and then settled his gaze on me.

"Alright… I won't make you choose. You won't lose me as your friend. I just don't want to see you hurt again."

_Because so help me god, Edward, I will destroy you. You understand? I am only doing this for her. Make no mistake, if you so much as hurt one single hair on her head… that's all it will take,_ Jacob thought, never breaking eye contact with me.

"Thank you," Bella whispered.

A woman with long, dark hair came walking hesitantly out of the club. She was fairly tall for a woman, with light brown skin and lean muscular arms. She was actually quite pretty, and then it dawned on me that this was Haven. She surveyed the scene before her, and her features softened. Her inner turmoil over this situation had drastically increased since we had returned. She didn't know who we were, but guessed correctly, assuming that we were indeed the infamous Cullen's.

She slowly approached the love of her life and his best friend, careful not to upset the precarious situation that we all found ourselves in. Jacob was volatile, and she was well aware of that fact, especially when it came to Bella. She had seen him fly off the handle so many times. Memories flooded me of the times that she had seen him lash out. Mostly, they were all related to Bella. Haven knew that Bella was an extremely important part of Jacob's life. That was why she never pushed him to let Bella go. She tried to push back her jealousy, because deep down she wanted Jacob to let her have every part of his being. There would always be one part that would not belong to her, but to Bella.

"Jacob…" she said, tentatively testing to see if he would know she was here.

Jacob released Bella and stood, striding over and pulling Haven's body to his. Bella looked so small standing there watching the couple, and I could see a glimmer of what the last eight years had cost her. No matter how I wanted to chalk it up in my brain, I had left her totally and utterly alone, with no one to confide in and no one to relate to. Jacob was the closest thing that she had, and he had another.

"Bella…" I said. I knew she knew I was still here, but I just needed to remind her; to let her know that I wasn't going anywhere, again. She glanced back at me and smiled. Turning back towards Jacob and Haven, she shyly waved good-bye to them, and then walked back towards me. I reached my hand for hers, and she grasped mine tightly between her clammy hands. This was one of the many times that I would have given anything just to be able to know what she was thinking.

We walked back to her vehicle silently. She allowed me to open the passenger door for her. As soon as we were back on the highway, headed toward Forks, an uncomfortable silence weighed heavily in the air. I hated that she was my one silent mind. I wanted desperately to know what she was thinking. Had I overstepped tonight? I didn't feel like I had, but I didn't know where we stood, so ultimately, I was still flying blindly.

Bella sighed, "I forgive you, you know?"


	17. Exception

**A/N Thank you so much for your patience, and continuing to read. I really am trying to be better about updating this story, and thank goodness I didn't make you guys wait as long this time. This is an important chapter, and also the turning point for our favorite couple, so read, and enjoy, and let me know what you think. Good or bad, your reviews mean so much to me.**

**Breath-of-Twilight, I love ya, dearly, thank you for being my rock and the best beta in the world.**

**The song for this chapter is Exception by Paramore**

**I also participated in Breath-of-Twilight's Countdown to Halloween. You can check it out at:**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6326403/1/Countdown_to_Halloween_II_One_Haunted_Hallows_Eve**

**I also started a new story that I have several months worth of updates done way before I ever started Here With Me. I will be posting every two weeks. It's called, All The Loves Of Our Lives, and you should check it out if you get a chance. You can find it at:**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6359350/1/All_The_Loves_Of_Our_Lives**

******Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is a goddess and she owns all of the Twilight universe. The story line is mine. Please do not steal what isn't yours. No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

Chapter 17

Exception

BPOV

"I forgive you, you know?" The words were out of my mouth before my brain could catch up to what I had actually said. Edward turned slowly toward me, and his expression was unreadable, yet his eyes glistened. It looked as though he might weep, but since that was impossible, I wondered what he was feeling, what I was seeing in his eyes.

The haze of alcohol that had started to set in when I was dancing with Paul had since disappeared. The adrenalin I had coursing through my system during the confrontation with Jake had flushed my system, and I was now stone cold sober. Sitting in my car, like this, reminded me of another important conversation that we had had. It was just like the night I found out Edward was a vampire. Years had passed, but my feelings never waned, if anything, they just grew stronger.

No matter what Edward had ever done to me, I was always prepared to forgive him. Whether he thought he had a soul or not, I knew that I was his soul mate. Not only that, but there was something built into our chemistry, our physical makeup so to speak, that both of our hearts recognized. It was ingrained in every one of our cells. We were meant to be, mentally and physically, in every way. I was made for Edward, and he for me.

It had been silent in the car for a few minutes, but we hadn't made it very far out of Port Angeles when I knew I was going to have to be the one to initiate this conversation.

"Why did you do it, Edward" That was the question that had plagued me the most. I had always been a little bit insecure, but I had believed that Edward loved me. When he left, he shattered the confidence that I had in him, in myself, and most of all, in us.

"Honestly, at the time, I thought that I was doing what was best for you. I have always wanted the best for you, Bella. I love you more than I have ever loved anything. You have to put yourself in my shoes for a minute. If the roles had been reversed, what would you have wanted for me? A long and happy life… children, a chance to grow old with someone, those are the things that I have always wanted for you, Bella. I had to be realistic. I was never going to be able to give you those things. It killed me that I couldn't be the man that I needed to be for you.

"Over the years, I have questioned my actions so many times, Bella. I can't even begin to count. Ultimately, it came down to the fact that I never gave you a choice. I never gave you the option to make your own decision. I never took your wants and needs and desires into account. Bella, I promise, I won't ever do that again. If I took anything away from this experience, being away from you, that would be it. All I ever wanted was you." Tears were streaming down my cheeks after is confession. I truly had never thought about it that way. Since there wasn't anyone other than Jake to talk to about the Cullen's, I had to keep so much bottled inside. He told me that I wasn't good for him, but in reality, he thought he was no good for me.

"Edward… why wouldn't you just talk to me about it? Why did you do something so drastic that you had to have known was going to hurt the both of us?" I was trying to wrap my head around the things that he was saying, but I just didn't see why this little bit of common sense failed him.

"I wasn't meaning to be so dramatic, but I couldn't see any other way at the time. I knew that you were still young, and that I had been your first love. I mean, it was the first time that I have ever been in love, too, Bella. It's not like either of us had that much experience in the matter.

"Things may have played out differently, had Jasper not come after you on your birthday. I wanted to be so angry with him, Bella. I felt like he had put us in a position that gave me no other choice than to leave you. Obviously, I know now that Jasper wasn't the one that needed to be blamed. It was me, Bella. I'm the one at fault for all of this, for your heart ache and theirs, as well as my own. I should have really thought about what our relationship was going to mean for not just us, but for my family, as well. Even though we don't feed on humans, it doesn't mean that it's not a temptation. It may sound cold, but it was unnecessary for me to bring you into our family when I had no intention of changing you. Jasper's reaction to you that night was his natural reaction to the situation. I was asking them to go against their nature, more so than by just denying them human blood.

"Bella, before you came to Forks, we spent as little time as possible around other people when we weren't at school. Obviously, Carlisle is the exception, but he also has a few hundred years on all of us. Don't misunderstand my words, Bella; I trust my family around you, implicitly, but that doesn't mean that I should have been selfish enough to ask them to be as understanding as they were. I hadn't even really realized that I was lonely until I met you. Even though everyone in my family was mated, I was perfectly content. You know that changed when I first came in contact with you.

"These were all the things that were running in my head up until the point that I left you. I know it was rash, believe me, my family sided with you. You'll never know how much what I did to you that day, absolutely destroyed me."

"What did you do? I mean, where did you go? Did you stay with your family?" I didn't want him to have been off by himself, but knowing Edward, that's exactly what he would have done.

He was quiet for awhile, and I wondered if he was censoring what he was going to tell me.

"When I walked away from you, I walked away from everyone. To be completely honest, and against my better judgment, I honestly contemplated ending things for myself." He paused for a moment to let me absorb the gravity of his words. He had wanted to take himself away from me, in more ways than I could grasp at the moment.

"I wandered for a long time. I'm not exactly sure where I went, but I fed enough to be around humans. I checked in once every couple of months with Esme. I'm sure that Alice kept tabs on me as best as she could in order to assure everyone I hadn't done anything rash. I've never really asked her about it, though. I just needed to keep moving, or I would have surely come right back here. All I could think about was that if I did that, then I had put everyone through all that pain, all the hurt and anguish for nothing. The pain that I had surely inflicted on both of us would have been for nothing. At least, by trying to stay away I was giving you a chance. I wandered around like I was in search of something, but in the end, it was just for something to keep me from coming back to you.

"After a few years, Esme, Carlisle, and Alice had chipped away at my resolve enough to talk me into coming home. By that time, I was somewhere in Portugal, I'm not even sure where, and I caught the first flight back to the states.

"When we left Forks, the rest of the family headed to Alaska to be with our friend's, the Denali's. After they convinced me to come back, they left Alaska, and met me in Hanover. Instead of High School, we all enrolled in college courses, and for the most part, kept to ourselves.

"I hadn't really realized until that point, how much you had actually affected our family. Bella, don't think that they didn't love you. They loved you as if you were one of our own. The truth of the matter was that I didn't realize the depth of their love, because I was so consumed with how I felt about you.

"You left deep, permanent marks on each of us. Carlisle and Esme lost a daughter. Alice lost, not only a best friend, but a sister, as did Rosalie. Jasper and Emmett lost a little sister, and they always felt very protective of you since the fight with James. It killed Emmett that he couldn't save you from the pain that we inflicted on you. Jasper continues to this day to chastise himself for your birthday. He would like us all to believe that he has moved on, but every once in a great while he'll let his thoughts slip. I'm shocked at the amount of guilt he still possesses, and how he battles with it to this day.

"You also don't know how Rose really feels about you. How when we left, she was nearly inconsolable. She was always jealous of you and your mortality. The fact that you were able to have children and a family, made her, on more than one occasion, green with envy. After we left, Rosalie had a realization. From what Alice told me, and what I heard from Rose's mind when I returned to the family, she realized that even though you could have those things, that without me, you would never be truly happy. I knew that Alice must have seen some things about your life, and shared your unhappiness with Rose. It made her think about not having Emmett in her life. She couldn't even fathom life without him.

"Alice must have spent a lot of time talking with Rose about you. When I came home, Rose always had you on her mind. She was constantly wondering about how you were doing, if this was how well I was fairing. She saw that I was half the man I was before I had met you, and I wasn't getting better. She made her own assumptions about you, but tried as hard as she could to keep thoughts of you to herself.

"After we finished school, we moved on to Montana. We had only been living there for a little over a year, when we decided that it wasn't the place for us. We pressed on West, and finally settled in Vancouver. You pretty much know the rest from there."

We were quiet for awhile, and I watched as the rain streaked down the windshield. It was so dark outside, and the forest was so dense that it was like we had been transported into our own world, shut off from every one and everything. Edward sighed, bringing me back from my musing's.

"Bella… can I ask you something?" Edward was quiet, waiting for me to answer.

"Yeah… you can ask me anything. I think if we plan on moving forward, we need to get everything out on the table, don't you?" I didn't want him to think that this was just a way for me to grill him. I had changed, and I was sure that he wanted to know about my life while we were apart.

"Okay… thanks. I really just wanted you to tell me what went on the last eight years. I know you told us a bit when we met as a family, but I assume you left out some information. I just want you to be completely honest with me. I feel like sometimes you hold back because you don't want to hurt or offend me. I can take it, Bella." Edward wouldn't look at me. I could tell by his expressionless face that he was steeling himself for whatever I was about say. I knew this would be extremely hard for him to hear, but he needed to hear it all. I was tired of hiding this part of my life. I could be more honest with Edward than I could be with even Jacob. I needed to purge, and this was my opportunity.

I was quiet for awhile, trying to properly figure out how to word this the fastest and most painless way possible. It was the darkest years of my life. There was no way to sugar coat it, and I decided there and then, that no matter how hard it would be for him to hear this, he needed to know it all, down to the last painful detail.

"I stood in the spot you had left me in for only a few seconds before I took off after you. I'm really not sure how long I wandered around looking for you, but it had to be at least several hours. I eventually just laid down, ready to give up. I really didn't have much fight left in me after I realized you weren't coming back. Honestly, I didn't care where I was, or if anybody could find me.

"My memory of that night is fuzzy at best. Like I said, I was ready to just give it all up. I vaguely remember someone carrying me out of the forest that night, and lots of people around me, but I couldn't tell you what they said or what was even going on. The doctor checked to make sure I wasn't hurt, but I wasn't able to answer his, or anyone else's questions. You had literally taken every last bit my humanity with you." I waited, hoping that I wasn't pushing him away with my honesty. I looked over at him, and noticed he wasn't breathing. He glanced in my direction, and I could see the pain in his eyes, but he nodded for me to continue.

"I totally shut myself off from that point on. I still didn't talk, because I didn't have anything to say. I barely left the house, and at one point, Charlie called the doctor to make sure that I didn't need to be committed."

"Where was Renee?" he asked.

"Charlie had her come a week after that first night, but I refused to go with her. They thought that if I left, it would be better for me. They had made the decision without talking to me, so when she tried to physically make me leave, I lost it. The break down was so bad that she left, afraid that I wouldn't stop unless I was sure the threat of them making me leave was far away. It did, too. Once I was sure that they couldn't take me away from the place I felt closest to you, I got a little better. Renee and I were never close again after that. I spoke to her every month or so, but when Charlie died, we stopped talking all together.

"Charlie hated that I held out hope you'd come back. He tried not to voice it as much as possible, but I could see the disappointment reflected in his eyes with every year the past that you still hadn't come back. I was basically a shut in, but you took my reason to live, so that's the only way I could cope with it.

"Jacob started coming around more, a couple of weeks later. I'm sure it had a lot to do with Charlie's insistence that I needed to get a life, and get out of the house, but either way, it was nice to have some company sometimes. He started getting me out more, but he knew that he was only a patch over the gaping hole you left. It was precariously placed over my heart, and a few times, it managed to get ripped off all over again.

"The first time that I found out Jacob was a wolf was the first time that patch got ripped off. You were the stuff of myth and legend. I just had a really hard time dealing with the truth after the initial story about the treaty. It was so reminiscent of finding out that you were a vampire. It destroyed me all over again. Once Jake figured out how to put me back together again, we steered clear of anything that intentionally would remind me of you. We did a pretty good job, but I couldn't shut out _everything_ that reminded me of you. It was always the little things. Flowers that looked like they belonged in our meadow, or a car that was similar to yours, there were still things all over that constantly reminded me of you.

"Jake never pressed me into a relationship other than our friendship. I knew that he wanted to, especially when some of his other pack members started to imprint. He would look at me in a way that made me feel like he was ready to ask for more, but I would deflect him by telling him how great of a friend he was to me. It was a little over a year after that he had managed to get me out of the house and living as close to a normal life as possible, when the second time the patch got ripped off came to happen.

"I remember that day so well," I thought back to that day as I looked out at the black forest. It wasn't a day that I thought about often, but it was essentially the day that I lost the second man in my life. "Jake had taken me to a bonfire in La Push. We had been to them a few times, but that day, just being around him was strange. It was like there was an electric charge in the air, like when we were getting ready for a thunderstorm. We walked up to the crowd gathered in front of the fire, and that was it. She was standing directly across from us, and obviously she was new, because I had never seen her before, but everyone said that she was Paul's cousin and she'd just moved here. It was like it was only the two of them and the whole rest of the world had faded away as they looked at each other. It was like the way you and I used to be together. Jacob was so changed by her that he didn't even notice when I left, only to sit in my truck for three hours as I worked through a massive panic attack. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for Jake, but at the same time, I was so jealous that he was going to get his happy ending and I wouldn't.

"Things were never the same between us again, and I didn't feel like being a third wheel with the happiest couple in the world. Charlie could sense the shift in me right away, because I started staying in again. I went out with Angela occasionally, but even that wasn't very often since she had been spending so much time with Ben. After that, I pretty much just focused solely on school.

"I did really well in school, too, both high school and college, and really the only other person I spent time with other than Charlie was Angela. She was there for me when Charlie died, and I will never be able to repay the kindness that she showed me. Billy, Jake, and Haven came around as much as I would allow them, but it was still too hard to be around them for any length of time, because when they weren't reminding me of you, they were reminding me of Charlie.

"There's not much more to tell after that. I finished school, and started teaching at the high school, and I was content with just going through the motions of everyday life. I didn't know what else to do, Edward. I honestly, every single day up until the day you came back, wished that I could at least see you again. I never believed for a minute, though, that I would actually see you, much less eight years later. I'm older, Edward. I'm not the same girl that you fell in love with. I said that I forgave you, and I meant it. For me, you are the exception to all the rules. Knowing that you always did really love me, burns me inside, how could you let me believe that lie? I understand your reasoning, but, my life wouldn't have been quite as broken if I had at least felt that I was loved. That I could be loved, and give love in return. I have spent the last eight years thinking that I had made up what we had in my head.

"It was so bad that there were moments that I wanted to end it all, Edward. I'm not proud of that, but you left me shattered. The only thing that I can say now is, I can't ever risk it… don't ever do that to me again."


	18. End

**A/N Hi *waves and then ducks under my desk*.**

**I know, I know, I cannot say sorry enough, and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it.\. Since October, life has been insane. Between holidays and birthdays, work and babies, I just do not have a spare moment or any free time. **

**First and foremost, I want to thank those of you that have stuck with me. I know that this has been slow going, but I really appreciate all of you more than you know. Your reviews and PM's made me hold out hope that at least some of you would finish reading this story through to the end. **

**Now, contrary to the title, this is not the end. It actually signifies a totally different end. I'm not really sure how many chapters I have left, but I'm thinking at least five. Sometimes, it takes longer to get there than expected though. It may be more, but, we are getting closer to the end. **

**Breath-of-Twilight, I love ya, you know the rest. That's all that matters. Thanks, chickie.**

**The song for this chapter is To Make You Feel My Love by Adele**

**For those of you that read my other story, All The Loves Of Our Lives, will most likely post next week. I had written 9 original chapters of it, but, because it was the first thing that I wrote, well, let's just say that it needed and overhaul. I promised that I would update it every 2 weeks, and I was on schedule until this last update. It's really the same problem that I'm having with this story. I just have a total and complete lack of free time until after the holiday's.**

**www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/6359350/1/All_The_Loves_Of_Our_Lives**

******Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is a goddess and she owns all of the Twilight universe. The story line is mine. Please do not steal what isn't yours. No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

Chapter 18

End

EPOV

I felt sick. There were literally no words to describe the feelings that were hammering through my body. It was like a hurricane with gale force winds, churning and threatening to overtake me, her last declaration caused me to feel like I was losing complete control over myself.

How could it have come down to that point? She had actually contemplated ending her precious life, all because I had been so, so stupid. Leaving her would be something that I was going to force myself to pay penance for the rest of my existence. If I had left her shattered, then her possible suicide would've nearly annihilated the soul that she claimed I had. It would have annihilated me.

"Bella, I could sit here and apologize to you forever, for everything. I could tell you that I am sorry. I could beg you, on my knees, and it would never be enough. Never. The things that I put you through and the emotions that you suffered because of my actions are unforgivable.

"This is what I am asking you, though. I know that you say that you forgive me, but somewhere deep inside, you won't be able to truly forgive or trust me fully. As long as you are willing to let me at least try, that's all that I can ever hope for. That's more than I should even be asking you. But, if you wanted me to beg at your feet every day of forever, I would do just that.

"You have to know that you mean more to me than anything in this world. I don't even have a sense of self preservation when it comes to you. I should have never left, Bella. I know that now. What do they say? Hindsight is twenty twenty. I regret so many things in my life, but the biggest regret of all was leaving you. I love you, Bella. I have always loved only you. I will _always_ love only you."

Silence hung heavily in the air. I knew what I had said wasn't enough. There was nothing that I could ever say that would make up for what I had done. Now, it was going to be up to my actions.

This was it. This was the end. I would not drag either of us through this anymore. She had said that she forgave me, and that would have to be enough for now. I would work hard every day to rebuild what I broken. I was confident that, in the end, we would be stronger. No moment taken for granted.

I had already decided that if she wanted to be changed, I would do it. No matter how hard it would be. Her happiness would come before anything else.

She remained silent, but moved her hand to rest on my thigh as I drove. The feeling was indescribable. I moved my hand from the steering wheel, and grasped her small hand in mine. I had missed the way her warm hand felt in mine. Even though I had been with her twice now, and nothing would ever compare to it, it was the little things that I cherished most. Hand holding, her sweet lips on mine, and the feel of her in my arms, these were the things that I missed immensely while away. I would make the most of every single moment.

As we neared her home, I wondered where we would go from here. Would she want me to go? Would she want me to stay? I wasn't sure either way, but I decided it was best to prepare myself for some sort of rejection. I just didn't want to move too fast and push her away. I craved every moment, and I had an infinite amount of time. The only problem that I would encounter tonight would be my need to hunt. That was rectified easily enough, though. I would wait until she was asleep to leave and return before she even had a chance to miss me.

I pulled into the driveway, turning off the car, and waiting for a clue as to what she wanted me to do. She sat there unmoving for a few seconds before turning towards me. Her eyes bored into mine, their chocolate pools vast. I found that I wanted to drown in them and discover all things that hid in their depths. She finally opened her mouth to speak, only to close it again. I wanted to ask what was running through her beautiful mind, but her quiet voice finally broke the silence.

"I want you to stay. I want you to lay with me so that I can feel you. I need your arms around me, Edward. I need to feel connected to you, like the way it used to be. Would you do that for me?" The confidence in her voice was something new. Surprisingly, this was the sexiest that I had ever seen her. Confidence, even at a minimal amount, suited Bella well.

"Of course, anything you want. I would love nothing more than to hold you." I smiled at her. The feeling was so foreign, because I hadn't really smiled in years. It felt good, no, it felt phenomenal.

We exited the car and made our way into the house. After locking up, Bella grabbed my hand and led me to her room.

"Will you excuse me for a moment? Some things never change, still need those human moments," she said with a small smile. She seemed more like the old Bella now than she had since we returned. It felt so good to just be back in this moment, even if it was fleeting.

Bella turned and left the room. Once I was by myself, I readied the bed, bringing extra blankets out of her closet. As I made my way back to the bed, my foot caught on a loose floor board. Immediately realizing what I had just stumbled upon, I knelt down and pulled up on the loose board.

I hadn't seen the objects inside in over eight years. Pictures, trinkets, and even the CD that I had made her for her birthday were all still nestled inside. I had just started to remove the items when I heard Bella gasp. She walked slowly toward me, kneeling down, never taking her eyes off the objects in my hand.

"Were those beneath the floor boards?" she asked quietly.

"Yes," I whispered in response.

"Edward, what were they doing under my floor boards?" She still hadn't looked up from the items, and I could feel my anxiety building over her reaction to the answer I was about to give her.

"I put them there… eight years ago. I didn't want to completely take them from you, so I just placed them here for safe keeping. At the time, I had no intention of coming back, so, I didn't want to cause you any more pain then I knew you would already be in. These things were important to you. I just figured that there might come a day when you would stumble upon them, no pun intended." She finally looked at me with a small smile turning up the corners of her lips.

Bella settled on the floor and took the items from my hands setting one at a time on the floor, before reaching in and retrieving the rest. Her fingers lightly grazing the photos of us almost reverently, I noticed wet spots on the floor planks. She sniffled and then looked up at me. I expected to see her anger, resentful maybe, but instead, she just looked sad.

"I missed us like this," she said.

"I know. I missed us, too. I wished so much that I at least had a picture of you to carry with me." I didn't know what else to say to her.

'Did you not think that I wouldn't want something to look at either? I would have given anything just to look at a picture of you, to listen to my lullaby… anything. These were all happy memories for me. I would have rather had one minute in your presence, than for it to be like I had never known you. It almost felt like I had made you up entirely in my mind." She sniffled again as the tears continued to stream down her cheeks.

I expected her to push me away, to need a moment to herself. Instead, she moved over and climbed in my lap as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I pulled her closer to me, basking in her warmth, intoxicated by her smell, and overall, absolutely overwhelmed at her nearness.

The nights that I was most alone, memories of holding her always got me through the darkest nights. Knowing that she was allowing me back into her life was something that I had written off as impossible. Now, with the both of us sitting her on her floor, I knew that I had been completely dishonest with myself, my family, and mostly, Bella. I always would have come back. I would have cracked if Alice hadn't asked to come back to check on her. It was just a matter of time.

Bella continued to cry, silently sobbing into my shirt, when I decided that I wanted to move us off the floor. I slowly stood, with her still in my arms, trying not to jostle her too much. I gently laid her on the bed and went back to retrieve the extra blankets. As I climbed onto the bed next to her, she immediately wrapped her arms around my waist as I spread the blankets on top of us.

I was obviously ice cold, but under the weight of the blankets, coupled with Bella's body heat, I would eventually start to warm slightly, but not enough to spend the entire night next to her. It gave me an idea, but for now, I made sure that the majority of the blankets were on top of her before pulling her closer to me.

It was well after one in the morning when Bella finally fell into a deep sleep. She would occasionally shiver from the difference in our body temperatures, and every time I would pull a little farther away from her.

Around two o'clock, I decided that I needed to go hunting in preparation for our date later in the day. I had promised Bella that I would not leave her all night, but I would hardly be gone, and I knew that she wouldn't fault me for hunting. It wasn't like I would be doing anything but wishing that I was back in Bella's bed with her.

I swiftly left her house, moving through the forest near her house. Within thirty minutes, I had taken down two deer and a mountain lion. I was full, near to bursting, and it would be at least a week and a half before I would need to worry about feeding again.

I ran as fast as I was capable to get back to Bella's, and remembered that there was something that I wanted to look for when I got there.

As I was covering us up earlier, an idea struck me. I wondered whether or not Charlie had owned an electric blanket. I don't know why the idea hadn't struck me before, but that would ensure that I could hold my Bella, and not risk her freezing in my embrace.

I locked the front door behind myself, more for the act of, as opposed to actual security reasons, and then I moved to the hall closet to see if it contained what I was looking for. I searched through the blankets that were inside and came up empty handed. Since I had looked in Bella's closet earlier, the only place left was Charlie's old room. It made me slightly uneasy to enter, feeling a little disrespectful since Charlie hadn't particularly liked me very much. I had to keep reminding myself that he was gone, and no matter what, he would want Bella to be happy. If Charlie had still been alive, I would have done anything within my power to earn my way back into his good graces.

Charlie had always been someone that I had the utmost respect for. He was a good man, and he had done an excellent job with Bella, even though he wasn't present for much of her life. They were so alike in so many ways. I hoped that Charlie would have eventually forgiven me like Bella had. That was something that I would never have the peace of mind of knowing, but as soon as Bella went back to work, I planned on visiting Charlie's grave. It was the only thing that I could think to do. I just needed to do something, and my options were limited, very limited.

I opened the closet, noticing first the uniforms hanging perfectly in it. I was struck with such grief of which was so unexpected. I hadn't been aware of my mother's passing due to my illness. We had, however, both been very aware when my father succumbed to his. I remember wondering what we would do without him, and then realizing that it was going to be up to me to take care of my mother. We both became so ill, and only after my change did I truly get to grieve for their losses. The one consolation was that I had Carlisle. He helped me, not only adjust to my new life, but also to come to terms with the way my old life ended.

I thought about all the things that Bella had told me just a few hours ago. She didn't even have the luxury of a Carlisle to lean on. I just wanted to take all of that pain away from her and carry the burden myself.

I tried to clear my mind and focus on the task at hand. I checked the shelves, and there, sitting on the middle shelf, was what looked to be a brand new navy blue electric blanket that hadn't even been taken out of the package. I quickly grabbed it off the shelf and returned to Bella's room.

I quietly took it out of the packaging and plugged it into the wall. I wasn't sure how hot the blanket would get, but turned it on high to get the optimum heat from it. Bella hadn't moved from her spot on the bed that I left her in. I didn't want her to get too hot, so I moved several of the blankets from earlier off of her warm little body.

Normally, or at least when we used to lie together, Bella and I would lie side by side. I had yet to actually cuddle with her. I wanted to spoon with her and feel her back pressed into my chest, pulling her close in my protective embrace. I wanted to be her shelter, and this little blanket was going to help me achieve that.

I picked her up, being as careful as possible not to disturb her sleep. She didn't have to tell me that she hadn't had a good night sleep in eight years; I could see it on her face. The couple of nights that I had spent with her, she was restless. I could see in her physical appearance that my absence had taken a toll on her, not only emotionally, but physically, as well. I planned on doing anything and everything to get her back to being as healthy and happy as she could be.

I whipped the blanket out over the entire bed, making sure to cover her entirely. Since we would have a constant radiant heat, I decided for the first time ever that I would lay with her in just a shirt and my underwear. Once I was ready, I slipped in behind her, careful not to move the bed much. She must have noticed my absence due to the lack of chill in her bed, and she quietly giggled.

"You know, I wouldn't have known that you left me had you not felt like ice when you snuck back in bed," she said as she turned towards me.

"I know, sweetheart. I decided that I should go hunting before our date later today. Then, I got a genius idea to warm the both of us with this electric blanket, if I don't say so myself."

She giggled a little louder now, clearly more alert than a few seconds ago.

"Now why didn't we think of that before?"

"I have no idea. But for now, I'm glad we have this one little thing to help us out." I smiled at her. She looked so beautiful. I hadn't truly realized until now how much I missed these little moments with her.

She started to close her eyes again, but before she fell asleep, I decided to whisper something to her in the hopes that she would rest easier with something to look forward to.

"Get your rest, my beautiful Bella. Tomorrow, I'm going to take you somewhere special, and I want you well rested so that you can fully enjoy it."

Her eyes popped open one more time, and she smiled a gentle smile at me, "I'll do that. Now come here, I missed you." She rolled over and snuggled back into me.

Without another word I wrapped her in my arms, indulging in something that I had withheld from myself for so long.


	19. Happiness

**A/N So… I know, I am total fail, BUT, I do have legitimate reasons. It's been so crazy for me, and at the end of last year, I wasn't even sure that I still had a job. I still do, but it's for a different employer, and it's been a really good thing. It's kept me insanely busy, and I have been trying so hard to get this out for you. I do apologize profusely, and I have missed each and every one of you, and I thank you so much for sticking with me and my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter and that it isn't a total disappointment after all this time. **

**Also, it looks as though there is only going to be a few more chapters before this is over. At this point, it looks like it's only going to be 2 more.**

**I want to thank my beta, Breath-of-Twilight, who is one of my biggest supporter. She helps me out so much with all of my writing, and at this point, I couldn't do it without her. Thank you, chickie, you know I love you.**

**I also am involved with her Countdown to Vday The Misplaced Love Letter. You can check out the countdown and all it's wonderful writers at www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net / s / 6618121. This has been such a great countdown, and Breath-of-Twilight has again outdone herself with the caliber of writers that she included. My one shot is called Of Bookstacks and Hockey Pucks.**

**If you haven't already, you should check out my other story, All The Loves of Our Lives. I'll be working on that one once this one is finished. I can guarantee you that it won't be a long wait for the last chapters of this story. So I'll shut up and let you get to it.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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Chapter 19

Happiness

BPOV

I hadn't slept that well in so long. It was clear that Edward's presence in my life was as essential as air or water. I truly needed him to survive. Before, when he was gone, I would have felt so weak thinking of him in that regard. Now, the heart wants what the heart wants, and there would be no more denying that for either of us.

When I finally awoke, Edward was still laying next to me, completely still. It always amazed me that he could just _be_ for hours and hours while I slept.

"Good morning, my sweet. How did you sleep?"

"Well, I was warm, and cozy, and I slept phenomenally. I don't think I've had such a good night sleep since you left, and maybe not even before that."

"That's good to hear. I could tell you were in a deep sleep. You didn't even have anything to say," he sniggered.

"Finally. I'm glad I was quiet for once, less embarrassing for me." Even in my embarrassment, it was nice to joke freely with Edward without all the baggage the always accompanied our relationship. Even when we were first together, our relationship was so intense. Everything was so new and scary for the both of us that I don't think that either of us truly enjoyed the others company. These were the things that only time and age could make you appreciate.

"So, what are we doing today?" I was genuinely curious about this. He said that he was going to take me somewhere special. I had an inclination of where that would be, and I truly hoped it was what I thought. It was a place that I hadn't been to in so many years. A place that had been so special to Edward, and in turn, was special to me.

"And ruin the surprise? Never," he joked. It was so nice to just be free; free to joke, and free from the burden we had both carried. "Why don't you get ready? I'm going to go and finish up on a couple of details for today."

I just smiled at him as he kissed me on the nose got out of bed. It was strange how I was so used to him being cold, but aided by the electric blanket, he had felt just as warm as I was. When he left the bed, I even felt the loss of his warmth. As I watched him put all of his clothes back on, I was overcome with happiness. I never thought I would be back to this point, and now that I was, I never wanted to leave.

Once Edward left, I quickly jumped from my bed. I had no idea what I should wear, but I definitely needed something warm. Autumn leaves were falling, and so was the temperature. If I was going to be anywhere outside, I would need sufficient layers.

Locating a pair of jeans, thermal, and jacket, I quickly undressed and made my way into the bathroom. Taking the hottest shower possible and even taking time to shave, I was out and ready within an hour of Edward's departure.

It seemed as if I had only been waiting for a moment before I heard a familiar car pull into the driveway. Looking out the living room windows, I was hit with another wave of nostalgia. Sitting in my driveway was the Volvo. The very same car the he had in high school. The smile on my face grew so large, and I suddenly couldn't wait to get this date underway.

The knock at the door drew me from my internal musings, and I was surprised that Edward hadn't just come in the house since he was staying with me just hours before.

I moved to open the door, smoothing my shirt over my curves before presenting myself to Edward. I still felt in some strange way that I needed to be my best for him. He was always so perfectly put together, and somewhere, deep inside me, I was still that self conscious, awkward teenage girl.

Edward, as usual, looked breathtakingly handsome. Noticing that we had at least both dressed casual, I felt relieved that I wouldn't need to change.

"Are you ready?" It was such an open ended question. What was I ready for? The date, the rest of my life, eternity, it didn't matter. I was ready for it all.

"Yes."

Edward took my hand in his and led me back to his car. Once I was settled into the passenger seat, Edward quickly moved to the driver side, starting the car and shifting it into gear before I could get my seatbelt fastened.

We drove in silence, and I finally welcomed a moment to just be with Edward. There were so many things we could talk about, but I just wanted to revel in his presence. With my hand in his, we drove until we came to a familiar trail head. I looked at Edward, and he was looking at me with a contemplative expression on his face. I felt like he was trying to gauge my reaction, and I certainly didn't want to disappoint him.

"Are we really going there," I asked.

"Only if you want to. I wasn't sure if you were ready to come back her, but this place was so special for us, I just had to try. If you'd rather…"

"No, this is perfect. I would love to go there with you. After all, if was your special place." Exiting the car and helping me out, Edward started down the trailhead with me in tow.

"Don't we need to get anything from the car?"

"No, I took care of that this morning, with a little help from Alice. She wanted to help so badly, I just couldn't tell her no. It's not just you that I need to make amends with. I did my family a disservice, as well, and I need to try and at least make it right. I'm sure they would disagree now that you're back in our lives. They have always been so forgiving, but I just wouldn't feel right without at least trying to earn back their love and respect." Edward scooped me into his arms and continued walking, our conversation was apparently making it hard for me to talk and walk at the same time, my slow pace holding up our progress.

"Earn it back? Do you honestly think that they don't love and respect you since you left?"

"I honestly don't know. For the most part, they try and shield their thoughts from me, taking great care in only letting through the mundane. I never want to pry, and honestly, I wish I could stay out of their heads. I just don't want there to be too much resentment. I deserve every bit of ire they have for me, and I just want things to be better. I miss my family, but I brought this on myself, so I understand."

"Have you ever actually talked to any of them separately?"

"Not completely. I've just been so focused on you; you're my number one priority. As soon as I feel like we're secure, I'm going to do everything in my power to make it right with my family, no matter what I have to do."

"You won't have to do it alone. I'll help you. Surely, if I can forgive, so can they. Although, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

"I'm not sure about that. They may be able to shield their thoughts, but they can't hide their emotions from Jasper, and in turn, he can't hide them from me. I've felt there disappointment, anger, rage, and resentment. It's lessens a little every day, but I don't want there to be any there. I want to have each family member back, the way things were between us, before we left. They'd finally accepted my love for a human, totally and completely, and within mere seconds, I had shattered all of it. For each of them it was different. Carlisle and Esme were without a daughter. Emmett and Jasper were without a sister and a friend. Alice, well, she lost her best friend and sister. Even Rosalie, even though she may never actually admit it, loved you. She could put up a good front that she didn't want to you around, but she could never ignore the affect you had on our family. You had brought us together in a way that made us complete as a family."

"And do they still feel that way about me?" Edward looked at me for a moment, as if to gauge if I was serious or not.

"Of course, they still feel that way about you. They never stopped loving you. They never stopped hoping and wishing that I would change my mind. Even when I wasn't with them, I knew how they felt, Bella. Not a day went by that I didn't feel the same. I battled with that decision everyday that I was away from you, every day. You may have thought that I was able to escape my feelings because I wasn't near you, but if anything, I carried them like an anvil around my neck. I wanted to suffer. I wanted to be punished for ever hurting you. I just… I never meant for any of this to happen, Bella. I never meant to become part of your life, and effectively ruin your humanity."

"You didn't ruin my humanity. I just changed my wants for how I wanted my life to play out when I met you. If anything, I was just happy that you existed in my life, at all. I don't think that you ever felt the gravity of my feelings for you since you couldn't get it straight from my mind. I've always felt like the fact that you had lived so many years made you feel like you were capable of making decisions that me, as a young adult, wouldn't have been able to make. The way I always saw it, though, was that you were just as young as me; you never really got live _your _life. I know that you had seen things and done things that I could never even imagine, but Edward, you never had a true relationship before me. You'd never had to make the decisions and think of someone other than yourself before in an actual relationship. I just wanted to be the one to make my own decisions. Just so you know, I won't ever let you do that for me again." I smiled at him, hoping to lighten the mood. He was looking at me with intensity, but quickly gave me a small smile when he saw I was giving him a hard time.

I hadn't noticed that we'd stopped, but when I turned to look at where we were, my breath caught in my throat. The scene before me literally took my breath away.

It was our meadow; the same beautiful oasis that Edward had finally decided to truly open himself up to me. It was the place that we discovered our love for each other for the very first time. Unlike the spring meadow that I remembered, with colorful wildflowers and green grass, this place was different. The grass was no longer green, but brown. Leaves littered the open area, and the change of season was definitely apparent here.

As my eyes scanned the area, I noticed a tent had been pitched near the center of the meadow. It was one of those heavy duty tents, complete with a smoke stack for a stove. The front was open and the door flaps of the tent were drawn back and inside it was like a room from a house. The floor was covered in carpets and on top of that was different types of fur rugs and mass amounts of large pillows. Lanterns hung from the ceiling of the tent, giving it a soft, warm glow. There was a short table near the front covered in food and a variety of drinks.

I was absolutely speechless.

"Edward, what is all this?" I was unable to keep the awe from my voice.

"This, my dear, is just a little something that I thought would be fun for us to do. Ever since you agreed to go on a date with me, the wheels have been turning in my head to try and come up with something that would be special for us.

"This meadow holds a special place in my heart. When I brought you here for the first time, I was so beyond nervous for a multitude of reasons. This was a place that I hadn't ever shared with another soul, a place that belonged to only me. I had decided to share that little piece of me with you, and that terrified me. There were so many reasons for me to not let you in. I couldn't do it, Bella. I couldn't then, but I can now. Everything I am belongs to you, because you hold my heart. You have from the first moment I saw you.

"I wanted to make sure that we weren't interrupted and that I would have you totally to myself. You know, I didn't even let Alice come here to set up with me. I told her what I wanted, she formulated it in her mind, helped me get the necessary things, and I did the rest."

His confession shocked me. I couldn't believe that he hadn't shared this place with his family. It made me feel so special that this was a part that only belonged to us. I was slowly, but surely, beginning to believe everything that Edward had to say. It didn't negate everything that we went through these past years, but I was starting to see that in some strange way, I had grown from this entire experience.

"This is amazing, Edward, absolutely amazing."

The smile on my face must have been a relief to Edward, because as soon as he looked into my eyes, a brilliant smile came across his face. I realized that Edward was still holding me, and in that moment, I never wanted him to let me go again.

Slowly, Edward walked to the tent. Once we were just inside, I couldn't believe how warm it was. Setting me on my feet, I looked up at Edward, and the love that radiated from him, shook me to my core.

"Edward," I breathed quietly.

"Yes?"

"I have to ask you something."

"Anything, Bella."

"What do you see happening between us?" I had to know. I had to know if he truly meant that he was going to accept me for his eternity. I had my plans, and thankfully, I was going to have help. If Edward would accept me, willingly, then I was going to make that decision for the both of us. I would rather know that he wouldn't be angry with my decision, but I wouldn't live without him anymore.

"Bella, you're my forever. Whatever you want, it's yours. I was a fool to deny your feelings, thinking I knew what was best. Clearly, we both know that I don't know what's best, for either of us. I want to have you in my arms for eternity. That is what I want, Bella."

My heart was close to bursting from happiness that I hadn't felt in years.

I looked around the tent, feeling a little hungry for the first time since yesterday. I moved to sit on the ground by the table that held food and drinks. Edward stood in the doorway, watching me as I perused the spread before me. There were fruits and cheeses, bread with oil and vinegar, and a bottle of champagne that was chilling in an ice bucket. I looked back at Edward, cocking my eyebrow at him.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I asked jokingly.

"That wasn't my intention. However, I felt like this was a celebration of sorts, so I prepared accordingly. If you look under the table, I also provided fruit juices and bottled water. I just wanted to give you as many options so that we could spend the most time out here together. There are meats as well in a cooler with the other drinks. I just want you to be comfortable."

"I think you successfully did that. Looks like you've covered all the bases. So, what were your plans for the day?" I was truly curious. I just wanted to spend the entire day with him, just being happy and content for once.

"I was actually thinking that we could spend some time just reconnecting. I know that we've talked, but we haven't just spent time enjoying each other. I've missed you. Not just as the love of my life, but actually conversing with you. Talking about things that make you happy, things that hold your interest, just the way things have changed for you over the years. I knew a shy young girl who loved to read and just wanted somewhere to fit in life. I know you aren't that same girl anymore, so, I want to get to know you all over again."

I was sort of speechless. I couldn't believe that he had thought of everything. How could it have been that I never thought of either of us changing over the years? I was a very different person compared to the girl who moved to Forks from Arizona. I had thought that I knew who I was, but really, I hadn't even enjoyed my own company when Edward left me. In some strange way, we both would be getting to know who I was again.

We talked for hours. The sun in the sky had beamed brightly on one side of the meadow, and before I knew it, was already setting past the trees on the other side. Not much had changed for Edward, knowing that I hadn't missed huge life changing events with him made me feel slightly better. The same however could not have been said for him. He was so sad that he'd missed both my high school and college graduations. He wished that he could have been with me when I finally had to purchase a new vehicle, extremely happy that I no longer drove the old, red Chevy.

We talked about his family and how he hadn't spent a lot of time in their company. The fact that everyone was coupled off was another thing that reminded him of me daily. He said that even though they weren't intentionally trying, it felt as though it was flaunted in front of him to prove a point, that he could have been happy in a couple, as well, but that he'd thrown that away. I knew that wasn't the case, but I understood exactly what he meant. I had also felt that way at times with Ben and Angela. No matter how hard I tried, they served as a constant reminder that no matter what, I would always be one half of a whole.

We discussed my studies and what made me want to be a teacher, especially coming back to work at Forks High. I was honest. I told him that I wanted to stay here because it was what kept me close to his memory and Charlie's, the two men in my life that had meant more to me than I could even bear. There was no place in the world that even appealed to me. I think that I held out hope, somewhere deep inside of me, that Edward and I would be reunited. I wouldn't get my hopes up, but it didn't matter, because he was with me now.

As the light slowly faded outside of the tent, the setting felt extremely intimate, more so than it had when we first arrived, and I was becoming quite overwhelmed. Things started out slowly with Edward and me giving each other sweet kisses as he held me close. Our kisses became increasingly more passionate, until we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and our clothing started to hit the floor. We made love, slowly, passionately, for most of the evening. There was definitely a time or two when we came together and it was frantic and wild, wanting nothing more than to derive pleasure from each other in the most primal way.

Sometime after we had made love so many times that I had lost count, I was sated and completely content. I started to think about my conversation with Alice. It felt like it had been weeks before when it had only been days. After my conversation with Edward earlier in the evening, I knew that it was time to start planning with her. What I had decided may have been rash, but I wasn't going to risk losing what had just come back into my life. I wasn't going to chance that he could change his mind. Alice had already agreed, and she'd even managed to keep it from Edward. After tonight, I wanted to start the rest of my life, my eternity with Edward.


	20. Details

**A/N Hello. I am a total fail, and I am completely sorry about that. The creative juices nearly ran dry, and unfortunately, it had to be here at the end of the story. I hope I haven't lost all of you but I understand if I have. It's been a long time. I suck... I have missed all of you, though, very much so. Please let me know whether you're still with me or if you want to me kick rocks. **

**One more chapter after this one.**

**I want to thank my beta, Breath-of-Twilight, who is one of my biggest supporter and closest friends. She helps me out so much with all of my writing, and at this point, I couldn't do it without her. Thank you, chickie, you know I love you and I can't wait for you to get here.**

**The song for this chapter is Breath In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney. Sorry I forget to put that on when I first posted this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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After that day in the meadow, Bella and I started to fall into a domestic routine. She would go off to work, and I would stay at her place, cleaning the already immaculate house and preparing meals that I knew Bella would love, just so I could take some of the pressure of everyday life off of her. It was something I thoroughly enjoyed, and had even enrolled in online cooking classes to further my knowledge of the food I would never eat. The only thing that I needed was to see the expression of happiness on my Bella's face to know she appreciated my effort.

We'd discussed a few things about what was in store for our future, but for now, the plan was for her to finish out the school semester; and that was what we would be focusing on. We'd decided that it was best to say that she was offered a job overseas teaching, and that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that she would have to start at the first of the year. This gave her enough time to notify the school so they could start looking for her replacement without blindsiding them. She was so faithful to her coworkers and her students that I could tell it was hurting her to have to do this to them. This also gave her time to tie up any loose ends in Forks, personally and financially. Angela was being told the same story; however, Bella was skeptical that she would even believe her.

I told her so many times that she didn't have to give anything up yet if she didn't want to. I'd waited all these years to be with her; I wasn't about to go anywhere without her. I could tell she was still a little hesitant when we discussed leaving Forks, and I worried that, until we discussed everything, there would be this wall between us. I wasn't so naïve to think that we were back to being perfect. I knew I'd made a mistake that would haunt us for years to come, no matter how much I wished it wouldn't.

The one thing that we hadn't discussed was her change. She hadn't brought it up even once, but I knew it was something that she'd wanted before I'd left her. Now that we were back together again, I had figured she would've wanted to talk about when it would finally take place. I'd started to mention it several times, but she would quickly change the subject, instead talking about mundane things that she still needed to get done. Her evasiveness left me feeling anxious and confused, and my family just shrugged it off whenever I brought it up.

None of my family let on that they had spoken with Bella about the subject of her change. They all seemed surprised that it wasn't the first thing Bella and I discussed, since there was no plan on us ever being apart again. Alice, on the other hand, was blocking her thoughts; and when the subject was broached, she'd leave the room saying she had something to do. I wasn't sure what to make of her strange behavior, but it was obvious that she was privy to something that I wasn't. I hated that she felt the need to hide things from me. Alice and I had always had the closest bond, and now, it felt as if she was pulling away from me.

I tried to speak with her about it, but since she could see me coming, her answer would always be the same; I needed to talk to Bella myself, and it wasn't her place to tell me anything. At first, she wouldn't even tell me that much, but I'd been persistent; and she finally decided to tell me to go straight to the source. She wouldn't break her promise to Bella for anything, including her relationship with me.

I wondered just how long Alice had been keeping secrets from me. It seemed like she'd been blocking me for weeks, but I'd just chalked it up to a greater need for her own privacy. It wasn't like I was intentionally picking through my family's thoughts; it was more like listening to a busy café, even when everyone was quiet. We'd been living this way for so long, no one actually cared that I could hear everything anymore. I didn't care either, and for the most part, was able to tune the majority of it out.

Days turned into weeks, and soon, I found myself basically moved into Bella's home. It was so easy to be with her. I found myself anxiously waiting everyday to wrap her up in my arms as soon as she walked through the door. My family didn't let me monopolize her the time entirely, though. We'd get together with the whole family at least once a week. On several occasions, we went on double dates with Emmett and Rose or Jasper and Alice, or even as one big group.

Family nights were surprisingly fun. It was so wonderful to see everyone get to know the new Bella. She had blossomed into the most amazing woman, and I burned with pride that she was mine once again. They all discovered things that they hadn't known about each other previously, and I could see the bonds between them grow stronger by the minute.

Esme and Bella had become so close. I could really see how wrong it had been to keep the two apart. I was like seeing a mother reunited with her lost child over and over again. What Renee lacked, Esme made up for in spades. The light in Bella's eyes was starting to come back, and I had Carlisle and Esme to thank for that. Bella had essentially been an orphan for years, and the sadness that she was alone in the world weighed heavily on her shoulders. My parents treated Bella with so much love and compassion, feeling the need to make up for their painful absence. It wasn't that they felt obligated; they just loved Bella with all their heart and soul. She was the missing piece of our family puzzle.

Rosalie and Bella had even started to become closer. It was surreal to watch them become like sisters. Rosalie was a fierce protector of the people she loved, and Bella had never been in that category before. But now that she was, it was quite unsettling when Rosalie directed her anger at me. From time to time, she would snap at me, mumble that I was being a complete idiot, and shake her head in disgust. I had no clue what was wrong with her, what had caused her to be so irritated with me, but I knew it had something to do with Bella.

Eventually, Rose started blocking her thoughts from me, as well. Around the same time, Bella began being rather evasive. It was then, I knew I had to sit her down and talk to her. Something was definitely going on that I wasn't privy to. My family and the woman I loved more than life itself were desperately hiding something from me, and I was honestly beginning to worry about what it could be.

With but a week left at Bella's job, she was out, celebrating with Angela and some of their human friends. I knew this was going to be one of Bella's toughest goodbyes. Angela had always been there for Bella, and if I had one wish for her, it would be that they could always be friends. I didn't know how we would work that out, but I was determined to figure out some way to keep them close. It was important to me because I knew it would be important to her.

When Bella was out, I decided that it would be a good time for me to get my thoughts together. I wasn't really sure how I was going to broach the subject of her evasiveness but I knew it was time. The more I thought about it, the more I decided it had to be about her change. In the back of my worrisome mind, I was sure Bella had decided she no longer wanted that and had confided in Rose and Alice out of fear of telling me. I prayed that that wasn't the case, but she was the only one who would be able to put my mind at ease.

It had only been four hours since Bella had left by the time I heard her car coming down the street. I didn't want to seem over eager to see her, so I forced myself to stay planted in the living room until she was close enough to the door that I could open it before she would have the chance.

"Did you have a good time, tonight?" I asked as I pulled her into my arms.

"I did. I really needed this time with Angela. I feel like there are so many things stacked against our friendship, and I just wanted to reassure her that I would still keep in touch even though I would be far away."

I noticed that she a purposefully dodged the fact that there was a possibility that she would be changed. What could possibly be a bigger problem stacked against them than her being a vampire?

"Are you going to see her again before we leave?" I asked softly as she slowly unwound herself from my arms.

"I'm not entirely sure. She and Ben were planning on going on a vacation over the holidays. Since there's only a week left before winter break, I just don't see when we'll have the time. Maybe, though. I'd certainly love to see her again."

This time, she lowered her gaze and walked right past me, effectively ending our conversation. I wasn't sure how to begin the conversation that I had been thinking about while she was gone, but now seemed like as good a time as any.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure. Is everything alright?"

"I'm not sure, actually. I've noticed that something's off with us lately. I wasn't sure exactly when it started, but it seems to me that it wasn't too long after we came back.

"I'm obviously not stupid to think that everything would immediately be perfect between us, but I feel like you're keeping me at arm's length all the time. Like you're afraid to share yourself with me again, and I don't mean in the physical sense.

"I feel like you're hiding from me in the emotional sense. Every time I try to talk to you about our future you completely shut me out. I've expressed to you how much I want you to join me in this life. That, to me, means that I would change you anytime that you would like. But Bella, you have to know that I've noticed you avoiding this. I'm not going to push you, but if you feel like telling me, I would really like to know why you're choosing not to discuss this with me."

Bella stood there in front of me, just out of reach, stone still. Her eyes were lowered, and her breathing was increasing; and I could feel her apprehension like a thick cloud in the air. We stood there, for what felt like hours, before she sucked in a deep breath and looked me straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry you feel like I've been avoiding you. I thought I could do this on my own, but clearly this is something that I shouldn't have kept from you." Her chin started to quiver and tears welled in her eyes.

Her words were like a blow to my soul. She had been keeping secrets from me. She didn't trust me, and likely, it would be a long time for me to earn back what little trust she'd had in me.

I needed to sit down, so I slowly moved to the arm chair and sank into it with my head in my hands. What could it possibly be that she'd kept from me?

Bella didn't move towards me, instead, she moved to sit on the bottom of the staircase before she started to talk in barely a whisper.

"I wasn't sure whether you would try to keep me human. I couldn't run the risk of you changing your mind and leaving me, again.

"I approached Alice and asked if she would change me once I got my personal life squared away."

My head whipped up and our eyes locked. She had tears streaming down her cheeks, and I could hardly bear the pain that I saw within her eyes.

"I couldn't risk losing you again, Edward. It would kill me. There is no doubt of that. You and your family, aside from Ben and Angela, are really the only ones that mean anything to me in this life. I know that I can live without this human life, but I can't possibly be without your immortal one. Alice agreed that if this was what I chose then she would do whatever I wanted. I guess the guilt she felt leaving overrode her common sense and I took advantage of that, but I'm not sorry.

"For as long as I can remember, you've been on my mind. I've thought about you every day since the day we first met, including the years when you weren't here. All I could think about since you've been back is taking that step, making sure that you could never take yourself away from me again.

"This all sounds completely crazy now that I'm saying it out loud to you. Looking at your face while I tell you this makes me feel like complete shit. I don't want you to hurt, Edward. I've never wanted to do anything that would cause you physical or emotional stress. I know what my change would do to you. You would worry and fret, and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it to make it better for you. That thought killed me.

"I feel like we're so fragile still, that one wrong move from me will cause this little bubble we're in to burst. I don't want that, Edward. I just thought that this was the only way. I'm sorry."

I could hardly believe my ears. She was doing this for me because she thought that this would be the easier option.

"Why, Bella? Why wouldn't you have at least talked to me?"

"Because, Edward, it's not like you given me options before. You've always made all of my decisions when it came to our relationship, and I wanted to take the initiative. I wanted my decision to count for once."

This was not the way that I had wanted this conversation to go. Not in the least. She'd already made so many decisions, and now, she was discounting my opinion. Not that I didn't deserve every last thing she'd said, but I was hoping that we could start anew, the right way. This was definitely not starting out the right way. This felt like we were taking leaps backwards.

I didn't want to run away from this problem, yet, I felt like I just needed to distance myself from her a little bit. Just to get some clarity of mind. After everything, this seemed so irrational to me, on both our parts.

I moved to sit on the sofa, but still wanted to face her. I wanted to her to see how clearly I meant everything I was about to say.

"Bella, do you realize that by making the choices that you have, you have essentially done the same thing that I did? You've totally cut me out of a decision that will affect my life as well. I know this makes me sound like a hypocrite. I know that, obviously, my choices drove you to make this decision."

I hesitated, just for a moment. I wanted what I said to marinate in her mind. I was trying to gage her mind set when she dropped to the floor in front of my knees.

"Edward…"

"No, Bella, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I just want to move forward. I hate that we continually have to go back to this. I love you. I love you so much that there are no words to describe what exactly you mean to me. We can't keep doing this. We can't keep going back to this place. All I want to do it go forward with you. We need to do this for us. Tell me what we can do. Tell me what you want _me_ to do. Bella, I'll do anything… anything you want."

She sat there looking at me, and I truly worried that she'd still deny me. Her hands slowly came up to my chin, cupping my face between their warmth. My eyes met hers as tears flowed freely down her face. She was choking back sobs and my heart broke, because once again, I was the one that made her cry.

"Edward, I'm in this with you. I want you to do it. Honestly, that's all that I've ever wanted." Relief flooded through me at hearing those words from her. Maybe she wasn't doing this out of spite or distrust, which would mean there was hope for us yet.

"Okay, then how would you like me to handle this? I would prefer that we not make too concrete of a plan. I would actually like it to feel right for the both of us."

"Sort of like spontaneously? In the moment?" She weighed this thought for a bit before she beamed a large smile, and I knew we'd be okay.

"I only have a week left that I am obligated to complete. So you're telling me that it could happen any time after that week?"

"Any time that we feel is right. That seems, to me, to be better than any plan that we could come up with on our own. Let's just let it happen. But, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, anything you want to know."

"How? How were you planning to carry this out with Alice? I mean, it all makes sense now that it's out in the open. I'm just wondering what you both had planned."

"You mean she didn't let anything slip? At all? Not that I thought she wouldn't keep this secret when I asked her to, but, I just thought that there would have to be a time that she let something slip."

"Not really. I mean, the fact that she was hiding something from me started to become more and more obvious. She usually has her reasons if she doesn't want me to know something. This was just the first time that she tried to keep me out for so long. So, are you going to tell me what the plan was?"

She blushed and looked away for a moment, just long enough that she reminded me of the girl I left years before for the first, real time since I came back.

"We were going to go to Seattle," she said in barely a whisper. "Our plan was to make everyone think that we were going Christmas shopping and we would do it in a hotel while we were there."

I was absolutely taken aback by this information. How could they be so reckless? How was it possible that Alice would risk changing Bella in the middle of a metropolis? Once Bella was changed, how did she think that she was going to be able to get Bella out of the city? I was so angry with them both for being so reckless. The best thing that I could possibly do was to leave it alone. Anger would get me nowhere, and at the end of everything, I was the one who would bring my love into this life. Trying to make them understand what could have happened would just cause more fighting and less trust, both I couldn't afford.

"I'm glad that you're letting me do this. I want this tie to you, Bella. I want to be the one."


	21. Tie

**A/N I can't believe that it has all finally come to an end. I would like to apologize for how long it took for this story to become complete. It has been very trying at times, and, with little kids who require constant attention, it has been a struggle to find a good time to write.**

**I have to thank my beta, Breathoftwilight, first and foremost. If it wasn't for her, I'd be lost most of the time. She is one of my closest friends and I love her dearly.**

**I want to thank coldplaywhore all of her support. She interviewed me last July and has stuck with me through this little story and I am so grateful to her.**

**To smokefairy, you're the best cousin a girl could ask for and you've supported me through it all. Thank you :) **

**And to my readers, especially the ones that have stuck by me from day one on into my other stories, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I always try and strive to give you my best and I appreciate all of your feedback, both positive and negative, more than I could ever express in words.**

**I have never begged for reviews, but I would really appreciate your feedback since this is the last chapter. It would really mean a lot to me. The complete button has now been pressed. I hope you enjoy the conclusion.**

**The song for the last chapter was Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney, I forgot to post it with the last chapter.**

**The song for this chapter is You've Got The Love by Florence + The Machine.**

******Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 21**

**Ties**

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe what I had done. I admitted to Edward that I was going to have Alice change me. I thought I could be strong enough to keep this secret from him, but in the end, I didn't think I truly would have gone through with it. I felt a ridiculous amount of relief that he was going to be the one to change me and that he would forgive me for what I was planning. Thinking hard about it while watching the pain it caused Edward; I guess I hadn't really thought of any repercussions of my actions.

I had been trying to reconcile this decision for weeks, anyway. I felt like I stood to lose too much if I had asked Edward to change me, and that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. With my back against a wall, I made a decision that I should have made _with_ my partner. When push came to shove with Edward, I never knew what his reaction was going to be. To say that I was surprised that he wanted me to allow him to change me was a huge understatement. Especially when he said that _we_ would let it happen when it felt right.

When he had pointed out that I had essentially done the same thing to him that he had done to me, it took me back a bit. However, the longer I thought about it, the irony was not lost on me, and I was deeply disappointed in myself. He was so understanding about all of it, but I just couldn't keep my tears at bay. He held me for a long time and comforted my fears, assuring me that this was all new for both of us and we'd make it work. No matter what, we were in this together, forever.

We had been getting along so well for awhile and I just couldn't believe how it was starting to feel like he had never left, but I couldn't help but worry that I had now set us back a bit. The tears in my soul were starting to mend, and it was thanks to my amazing man. I didn't want it to end. If we were both willing to make it work and communicate there would be nothing to stand in our way.

Angela had met with me several times over the last week of my employment at Forks High. I loved her with every fiber of my being. She had truly been there for me when I had felt the most alone. If there was one person that I was going to miss, it would be Angela.

Edward had mentioned that he was going to figure out a way that we could stay in touch with each other. I loved the idea, but I couldn't figure out how I could do that without disclosing my true nature. Angela could handle it, but in any case, I knew she wouldn't believe me; and I wouldn't risk the Cullen's in such a way, either. I figured that it would be enough to at least write her letters occasionally. I wouldn't be able to send pictures but was definitely not opposed to writing her letters or emails. In the long run, it would probably be easier to keep secrets from her if I didn't have to hear her voice.

My replacement came in the form of a sweet, middle-aged woman named Beatrice Winter. Bea Winter was single and had come to Washington and Forks, more specifically, for this job in particular. It was bittersweet meeting her, and then introducing her to my students. I was at least comforted by the fact that they would be left with such a nice teacher.

Bea shadowed me for the last week, and I got to spend quite a bit of time with her. I found out that she was still staying in the Forks Motel and had yet to come across a place to rent. Knowing what I did of her made me confident that this would be the perfect person to take care of mine and Charlie's home. I wasn't sure how long she would want to stay but I felt like she would be a perfect tenant, and I would even have the added benefit of being able to check in on the student's occasionally. I wasn't sure quite how to bring it up to her, though. When the opportunity finally arose, three days after our initial meeting, I jumped at the chance to ask her.

"I just can't seem to find a place to live in town. There have been a few places between here and Port Angeles, but I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to travel very far to school. I would really love the opportunity to be able to walk to school sometimes, especially on warmer days."

I had to hold back a chuckle.

"Bea, I hate to be the one to tell you, but, there aren't going to be many of those days during the school year. I don't know how much research you did before you took this position, but it rains here, a lot."

"I know, but I just really love to be outdoors so this may take some getting used to if I can't be out all the time."

"Well, no worries. It does let up occasionally. As long as you aren't opposed to some wet hair you should be fine. I'm actually a jogger. I don't jog to work or anything, but I still manage to do it almost every day. Even in the rain. So, you said that you wanted to be able to walk to work? I just might have the perfect thing for you."

I proceeded to fill her in on my home, telling her that there was a chance that I wouldn't be back for quite a long time. I hated to see the house vacant without any kind of life in it. The house and the town of Forks was my last tie to Charlie, and I wasn't so readily willing to give that up completely.

Bea was so excited and wanted to come over to see it immediately. I had to put her off a little bit, saying that I had other places to be and things to take care of. My main concern was being able to make sure that Edward wouldn't be home when she wanted to look at the house. The Cullen's had managed to staying relatively hidden the months that they had been back, not once really showing their presence in town.

When I arrived home after my talk with Bea, Edward and I decided that the next day would actually be a good time for her to come over. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett had already planned on an early hunting trip and they weren't to return until later that night. Edward needed to hunt regularly in order to keep fairly full. His thought was that if he was constantly full then when it came time to change me there would be less temptation. I don't know how true that would be, but it couldn't hurt. Not that it would matter in the end anyway. I was going to be changed, one way or another, by the man I loved with my entire being.

The next day, at school, I informed Bea; and she was ecstatic. The day passed swiftly, and before I knew it, I was giving Bea the grand tour of my home.

It was hard having her in my home for a multitude of reasons, the biggest being that she would have been perfect for Charlie; and it made me sad to think on what they both had missed out on. It also reminded me that I would soon be leaving and that this house would no longer be the one that I went home to at night. This house harbored so many memories, both good and bad, and was the one place that I had ever ventured to actually call 'home'. The more I thought on it, though; Edward was my home, too. More importantly, where he was would forever be the only place I ever wanted to be.

After spending the next hour with Bea, she was more than ready to sign anything in order to move into this house, even going so far as to ask if she could paint walls and make improvements. I was happy to know that the house would be taken care of. I also planned on reimbursing any money that she spent on renovations and keeping her rent low since I would be totally unavailable to her in the near future, only reachable by telephone or through the mail.

With the lease agreement signed and the last glass of wine gone, I wished Bea a good night and then curled up on the couch to wait for Edward. It had been such an emotional day that I didn't even wake up when he walked through the door. Only when he held me in his arms and walked us to our room did I even stir.

"How was your hunting trip?" I asked, trying to make casual conversation with him since I hadn't seen him since early this morning, before I left for my jog.

"Uneventful, if you don't count the fact that Emmett plays with his food too much. Rosalie is going to have his hide when she sees the new clothes she just bought him are destroyed."

I couldn't help but laugh. I knew it wasn't about the clothes. It was just, more or less, that Emmett was careless and she hated that he really had no regard for himself, even if he was nearly indestructible.

"How did your meeting with Ms. Winter go?"

"It was great. This house is perfect for her, and she wants it so bad."

"But? I can hear it in your voice, Bella, you're upset."

"It's not that I'm upset, per se, it's just that having her here in this house reminded me of Charlie so much. They would have been perfect for each other, but I can't dwell on it since it isn't something that I can change."

"No, sweetheart, it's not. I'm sorry that it was hard for you, but I'm glad that she's come into your life. If for no other reason than the fact that she will be taking care of this little bit of Charlie for you."

And that was ultimately what it all boiled down to. Bea was going to be taking care of the last tie I had to my father, and that made me very happy.

After stripping each other of our clothes, we made love slowly, and then Edward held me tight against his chest.

My last day at Forks High was definitely a sad one. All of my students presented me with gifts, flowers, and cards. I was so touched that words couldn't describe my feelings. Even Bea presented me with a small, personalized pen to take with me abroad. I was so touched that I couldn't keep the tears from silently falling down my cheeks. After the last student left campus, the faculty also gave me a going away party. Each teacher and administrator that I had ever worked with all bestowed a small gift to me. I was overwhelmed, to say the least, and was surprised at the amount of well wishing that they were giving me. Even Mike came to wish me well and somehow managed to contain his usual antics.

That night when I walked through the door, Edward was waiting for me with dinner, a glass of wine, and thousands of little tiny candles all over the living room. We made love again, right there in the middle of the living room, surrounded by all these little points of light. It almost felt like we were suspended among the stars.

The next morning, I headed to meet Angela for our last morning coffee we would ever have. As far as everyone knew, I would be leaving the following day to get myself situated after the long Christmas holiday. I didn't want to be hanging around when I could be starting the rest of my life at any moment. Besides, everyone else had families to spend Christmas with. Now, I would, too.

I thought a lot about how things were coming together on that last drive to Port Angeles. I was honestly scared to death about my change, but at the same time, I was more than ready. I knew that my place was with Edward, in his world; it always had been. I could not muster a shred of guilt over what I was about to embark on. If Angela knew what I was actually going to do, I think she would have been supportive. Having known the Cullen's, she would have to have known that my place was with Edward, no matter what that entailed.

Coffee was strained, but only because we were going to miss each other so much and it truly felt like we were saying good bye. When we were finished, neither of us was in a rush to leave. Finally, Ben called and said that they had a dinner they needed to get ready for in Seattle. Angela didn't want to leave but I convinced her that I would call her all the time. I hadn't known where we were planning to go, but Edward told me that they got me a cell phone from the UK so that any caller id would show that I was actually across the Atlantic.

With a heavy heart, I said good bye to the best friend that I ever had. We cried and held each other before finally letting go. As I watched her drive off, it truly, finally felt like this was all actually happening. I got in the Jeep, which I had decided to sell to Bea, as well, and headed over to the Forks Motel so that I could leave her with the car and house keys.

All of the Cullen's were packing up the entirety of my little house, including all of Charlie's belongings and storing them for me at their house. I decided that since I never actually planned on living in the house again that I should clear it out completely. I had directed Edward to the things that I wanted to take with me, and both he and Alice promised to make sure that they were left out. After stopping for gas, I made my way to Bea, leaving my car and all the necessary documents pertaining to the house and all of my contact information. Her plan was to move in the next day and it was easy to see her excitement bubbling at the surface.

It struck me that she would be essentially living the life that I would have had, had Edward not come back. It was strange to see her so content, but the fact that she didn't have an Edward meant that she had no idea what she was missing.

I left her and decided that I would just jog home. It could very well be one of the last times that I was going to be able to do that. Another realization hit me; the last bit of business that tied me here had been severed. I was now free to follow my heart.

When I finally returned home, Edward was waiting for me on the front porch. He almost looked older in a strange way and I couldn't help the surge of excitement that course through me at the adventure that lay ahead of us. I held all the love from this one amazing man and it made me deliriously happy.

I walked into my little house and was surprised at how empty the place seemed. I was leaving almost all of the furniture, save a piece or two that were sentimental but other than that it was like the place seemed like we hadn't lived there.

"Jacob came by," Edward said from behind me, catching me completely off guard. I had totally and completely forgotten about Jacob, Haven, and Billy. "I told him that you were with Angela and I would have you call him when you got back."

"You spoke with him? What did you talk about?"

Edward laughed, making me wonder what I was missing.

"Yes, Bella, I spoke with him, and we were civil. He just really wanted to see you. Apparently, he heard about you leaving and knew that it had something to do with us. We had quite a nice talk, actually. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement, but Jacob can be quite agreeable when he finally realized that you were happy."

"You guys had a nice talk? Are you serious? I mean, I'm glad, it's just, are you serious right now?"

"Yes, of course, Bella. I was actually going to suggest that you go to see him before we left but he showed up here and we talked before I had the chance. I told him that I thought you'd like to be able to say goodbye to him in person, but he was worried that you wouldn't want to see him."

"Of course I'd want to see him. Jacob is like family. Why would he think that?"

"Well, it could be because he said that he didn't want to talk to you again. He was really worried about that. I don't think I've ever seen Jacob so apologetic. Come to think of it, I haven't ever seen Jacob as anything but angry because of us. So, it was a quite a change."

"So, I should go, right now? Do you think he'll be okay if I just show up?"

"I definitely think it would be okay for you to show up. He just thought it would be easier for you to just talk to him on the phone if you were still upset with him."

"Why are you so okay with this?"

"Because, Bella, you're with me. The least I can do is support you when you have to say goodbye to the only family you have left."

I was so surprised how well this was all going. It felt like I was missing something, but may, we really were growing as a couple, and maybe, Edward really was just trying to be supportive. I didn't want to think about it too much, so I took it for what it was, Edward trying to be the man he thought he needed to be for me.

"Do we have anything else that we need to do here? The place looks great, Edward. I can't believe you guys got this done so fast."

"It was nothing; we really enjoyed it, actually. It was the first time that we've worked together like a family in so long, a little over eight years, to be precise." A small smile tugged at the sides of his mouth, and he looked heartbreakingly handsome.

"Eight years, huh? So tell me, did everyone feel this way?"

"Yeah, they all did. They're so happy, Bella. So happy that you're back with us, back where you belong."

"Can I use the Volvo? I promise I won't take too long."

"Of course. I'll ride with you to the treaty line and then I'll meet you back at the house."

"Okay, I just want one last look around."

I moved around the empty space, seeing my home for possibly the last time, at least for a really long time. I climbed the staircase, not really knowing whether or not I would be strong enough to look in our empty rooms. But that's what they really were, empty rooms. Charlie wasn't here anymore, and being here wasn't going to bring him back. Seeing his bed without the sheets or bedspread made my heart clench. I hadn't really spent much time going into his room after he died. It was too painful, and I just missed him so much.

I felt Edward wrap me up in his arms.

"Shhh, I know you miss him. It's going to be okay, Bella. I know this is all overwhelming, but I promise it will all be alright."

I hadn't even realized that I was crying, but the tears were starting to dampen my shirt. I hadn't allowed myself to really grieve for my father, partly because I was still grieving Edward and the other part was because I just didn't want to accept that he was gone.

We stood there for possibly another ten minutes, until I got myself together, and then slowly walked out of my little house, leaving one final time and not turning back.

I drove Edward's car and pulled over a few feet from the treaty line.

"I promise I won't be too long."

"Take all the time you need. I'll be waiting for you at home."

He exited the car and disappeared into the trees.

I pulled back onto the road and descended into La Push, wondering what would greet me when I finally pulled up to the Black's home.

Jacob stood in front of the house waiting for me when I pulled up.

"I didn't know if you were going to come," he said as I got out of the car.

"Of course I'd come, Jacob. You're part of my family. I had to say goodbye."

His face fell, but he moved closer to me and wrapped me in his huge embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry that I said so many awful things to you. I just wanted you to be happy and safe, that's all. That's all I ever wanted, Bella, you have to know that."

I could feel the tears on my face, and I wasn't sure whether they were his or mine. I was just happy that we were here, together, at least one more time.

"I could never hate you, ever. Don't you ever think that."

We reluctantly let go and Jacob led me towards the house. Billy looked up from his arm chair as we entered the house, and Haven was on the couch. The television wasn't on, so I could only assume they were waiting for us to come inside.

"Bella, it's so good to see you. How have you been?" Billy looked a little uncomfortable, and I could only imagine that it was due to my choice in life path.

"I've been good. You guys?"

"Everything's been good here."

It was awkward and quiet for a few minutes, but Haven broke the silence and we all fell into a somewhat comfortable conversation.

We talked for an hour before Jacob cleared his throat and addressed the elephant in the room.

"So you're really leaving? I mean, that's what Edward said this afternoon." Jacob seemed hesitant to broach this subject, but it was time.

"Yeah, that's the plan. I promise to keep in touch, though. I know how you guys feel about…"

"No, Bella, it's not the same anymore. We've all talked about it, a lot, and we just want you to be happy. We may not agree with the path you've decided to take, but after Charlie died, we didn't think we'd ever see you happy again. I can see the light back in your eyes. Jacob spoke with Edward today. He seemed to be very amicable, and Jacob found that surprising. Not that the Cullen's have ever been anything but civil with us, but, we do know that there was increased tension when you became associated with them. I was adamant that Jacob try and keep you from them. For that, Bella, I am not sorry."

Billy stopped and his face looked like he was deeply contemplating what he would say next.

"I saw what your life was like when the Cullen's left. I also saw what happened when Charlie died, and truthfully, I thought we might lose you. I have been worried about you for many years now. I made a promise to your father that I would do anything that I possibly could to help you if you needed it. I see now that the best thing that I could do for you would be to support your decision. You have to make us a promise, though. You have to promise that you will keep in touch with us, someway, somehow. We just want to know that you're okay. Even if you can't come back and see us, just let us know that you're happy and safe."

Billy had never really spoken so candidly with me before, and it was making my already emotional state hit a fever pitch.

"I can do that. I promise, no matter where I am, I will keep in contact. I love you all so much and you have been my only family now for some time, as long as you're okay with it, I'll contact you all the time." The tears were streaming down my face now, and looking at the three other people in the room, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

"What about Renee?" Billy asked.

"She hasn't been a part of my life for a long time. I don't intend to let her know where I am. If she ever tried to contact you for information on me, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell her anything. I don't owe her a thing, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not her daughter anymore. She hasn't shown any concern for me since well before Charlie died."

"We promise we won't tell her anything," Jacob stated bluntly. He was just as angry with my mother as I was. He saw what she did to me first hand and apparently wasn't about to let it go, either.

I was so thankful that I was there and able to say goodbye to the Black's. They would never know what kind of gift they had given me. It was the first time that I would be separated from someone who meant so much to me that I was able to give a proper goodbye to.

"Well, I should be getting along now. We still have a few things to do before we go, so…" I stood up, not really knowing what else I should say, or do for that matter. Haven stood up first and embraced me.

"You know, if something happens, you're always welcome here with us. I truly hope that you find the happiness you so deserve."

"Thank you, Haven. I really mean it. You're so good for this family. I wish you all the best."

I moved next to Billy. He always seemed too grand, even confined to a wheel chair. I loved him like a second father.

"You take care now, you here. Don't ever forget how much we love you… ever." He squeezed me tightly to him, the smell of his flannel reminding me of Charlie. I knew he would be happy for me, too. In a way, I felt like he still was watching over me.

Jacob slung his arm around my shoulders and walked with me out to the car.

"I'm going to miss you so much, you know that? I'm so sorry, Bella, for everything. I just wanted what I thought was best for you. I was too pissed to see that my way wasn't necessarily the best way for you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. I love you, Jacob Black. I always have loved you, you're family to me. I know what you were trying to do and I don't hold that against you. I won't."

We stood there hugging for a few minutes when Jacob reluctantly let me go.

"You take care now, and don't forget to call. I love you, Bella."

"I won't. I love you, too, Jake."

I got in the car and didn't turn back as I drove out of La Push, away from my old life and towards my new one. I was just anxious to get back to Edward.

The Cullen's' house seemed empty when I arrived; walking in the front door to an empty house.

"They all went hunting," Edward said from the top of the stairs.

"Hey, I thought you couldn't read my mind," I said with a smirk.

"I can't. I just figured that you would be wondering why the house seemed so empty. Come here."

Before I realized what was going on, Edward had me in his arms and we were in his bedroom. The overhead lights were dimmed and there were candles blazing everywhere. I could hear Claire de Lune playing softly in the background and was immediately taken back to one of the first times that I had ever been in Edward's room.

"What is all this?"

"Just a little something to celebrate the rest of our eternity together, I wanted to start off on the right foot. Everyone went hunting, but I know it was more so that we had our moment alone."

We swayed lightly back and forth to the music. I was still reeling from all that had happened in the last six months. I couldn't have been happier, though, with how it all turned out.

I couldn't help but think that I was the luckiest girl alive, and that was my last coherent thought as a human.

Before I knew what was going on, Edward had sunk his teeth deeply into my neck. I had never felt so connected in my whole life to anyone as I was to Edward in that moment. I expected to feel dilapidating pain, something similar to what I had felt when James had bit me, but instead I was just numb, I couldn't feel a thing except for the rapidly fluttering beat of my heart.

Everything around me was in a black haze. I could vaguely hear Edward's soothing voice, softly calling out to me, but it felt like I was in this massive void. I knew that this was supposed to be excruciating, but all I felt was euphoria. I was painfully happy. I wasn't sure of time or place. I had no idea whether I was out there floating for minutes, hours, or days. I was briefly aware that I should be feeling something, but was unable to muster even the slightest bit of anxiety. I smiled softly, or at least I thought I did. I only knew that whatever was happening wasn't half as bad as everyone made it seem, and even had it been, it all would have been worth it tenfold to spend eternity with Edward.

My bliss began to fade, soft light seeping into the distance, pale white morphing in to pale red, until it was a blazing inferno right before my eyes. My skin heated up and I felt like I was simmering from the inside out, definitely not unbearable, but uncomfortable none the less.

Suddenly, as if everything had just came back into focus, bright light seeped through my closed lids. I slowly opened my eyes and was instantly greeted with a soft golden pair of eyes that looked like I had never truly seen them. They were brighter, more vibrant, with flecks of charcoal in them. I had never been so happy to see them in all my life, and looking deeply into them, I knew I was home.

"How do you feel? Is everything alright?"

I knew I should try and put into words that last bit of memory I had, but I could only form the necessary words that I desperately needed to get out.

"Everything will always be alright, as long as you're _here with me_."

* * *

**_Thank you for reading :)_**


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